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Thursday, November 1st, 2007
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3:08 am - Boo!
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| Monday, October 22nd, 2007
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9:39 pm - Quick Pic of the Munchkins
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| Sunday, October 21st, 2007
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12:11 pm - *Yawn*
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What Subversive Alternative Paradigm Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com |
| You scored as Spiritualist You are a Spiritualist. You are most at home in the subtle realms of existence, and since you can't be there all the time, you communicate with spirits regularly to keep at least one foot on higher planes. As you progress, more and more of your interaction is based on planes other than the physical, and while this can draw strange glances from those who overhear, for the most part you are able to blend in and go unnoticed. It's a shame, really, because you have depths therefore unseen by your peers.
Spiritualist |
| 100% | Mystic |
| 85% | White Lighter |
| 85% | True Alternative |
| 65% | Aimless Eclectic |
| 55% | Magician |
| 50% | Discordian |
| 45% | Otherkin |
| 45% |
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, October 19th, 2007
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11:04 am - This Week....
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- We found out Alex is incredibly close to weighing ten pounds (9 lbs 13 oz). Yay, double digits!
- My ex (name withheld because I'm feeling merciful) drunk dialed me at 2 in the morning and expressed a desire for breast milk. I must not be jaded anymore, because nothing used to surprise me, but that did.
- Jeff got hired at IBM. Yay! Employment is good. Let's hope this job is less flaky than the last.
- Brit went to the doctor and is in the process of getting preventive treatment for her migraines. She has to get a CT scan first, followed by an appointment with a pediatric neurologist. I'm so sick of doctors I can't pass a health clinic without cringing... However, these appointments at least have a point. I'm sure she'll appreciate being able to lead a relatively pain-free existence again.
- I've found myself frequently worrying about how I'm going to juggle everything once I start my next classes (on Monday). One way or another, I know that I'll find time for everything, but I shudder at the prospect of going back to work as well.
- I've lost three pounds. Don't ask me how. Although I've worked out daily (with the exception of yesterday because I was too tired), it seems a bit excessive. Not that I'm complaining.
current mood:  tired
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 13th, 2007
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1:08 pm - Day One...
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So I finally figured out my postpartum weight, and surprisingly, it's not too bad. The diabetic diet must have kept me in check (that combined with the daily exercise). However, I still have some work to do. The c-section has wreaked havoc upon my abs, and from experience, I know that it will take at least a year (if not more) to get those back to their prepregnancy state. Instead of pouting about it, I've decided to be proactive and do something.
So today, I did twenty-five minutes of cardio, and twenty minutes of Pilates. Considering this is the day after I got the all-clear from my doctor, it's a good start. I have a feeling my abs are gonna be on fire tomorrow, as they've had a five-month break from any kind of challenging activity. Everything that used to be easy is back to being just a wee bit more difficult than I remember it. If nothing else, that means I won't have to expand my DVD collection for awhile. However, it's kind of annoying, too. (I worked hard to be able to do those exercises easily.)
Since Alex needs boobs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I can't really modify my diet much. I'm trying to stick as closely as I can to my pregnancy diet, but the Oreos are far too much of a temptation. Now that I know they're not going to put me into a diabetic coma, I can't seem to stay away from them (particularly late at night). Once they're gone, I'm switching to popcorn.
I will get my body back, dammit, and sooner rather than later. So sayeth the Chris.
current mood:  determined
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, October 12th, 2007
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12:18 pm - Coming Out Day
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According to my ex-girlfriends, I'm not straight.
According to my ex-boyfriends, I'm not gay, either.
I'm still an equal-opportunity lover. That being said, I'm perfectly content with the person I'm with. Love you, Jeff. :)
current mood:  amused
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 11th, 2007
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11:55 am - Drama, Drama, and More Drama....
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The last several days have been completely and utterly exhausting. Despite the fact that I have gone completely out of my way to make sure that Brit is provided with opportunities to grow and thrive, an environment that isn't full of negative influences, and plenty of love and guidance, she's managed to wander off the path and do the wrong thing anyway. Without getting into too many details, let's just say that she did something horrifically stupid and irreversible that will not only impact her now and later, but impacts others as well. I will have enough respect for her privacy to not babble about what exactly she did, but I'll hint around by saying that the mere thought of her actions makes me nauseous.
Situations like these are great at making you painfully aware that, no matter how positive your intentions, it only takes a split second to f%*% it all up. I'm also uncomfortably aware of the fact that my daughter is old enough to make decisions that can easily put her into adult situations for which she is entirely unprepared, whether she believes so or not. The last week has inspired rage, guilt, sadness, regret, and a whole host of other emotions. I've managed to get through it without smoking (or killing anyone), which is impressive. Much of the time I've been pushing my personal feelings aside in order to do what needs to be done. What exactly has been done? Well, I've had to deliver bad news to another parent, set up and hold Brit's hand through a couple of doctor's appointments, deal with the police department, talk to CPS (it's routine, but still disturbing that I even have to speak with them), and set up counseling for her. Considering all of the above, I ought to make an appointment for myself as well. So help me God, if she puts me in this position again, she's going to her father's for awhile, and he can try and straighten her out. I *think* she regrets her actions, but it's hard to tell, since she tends to not show negative emotions very easily. She has her walls, and they are highly effective at masking her emotions when she wants to hide.
Let's hope that she's been scared into the realization that she's not as mature as she thinks she is...
current mood:  blah
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 6th, 2007
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12:42 pm - "Baby Brain" is....
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Fumbling around the kitchen and nearly brewing a pot of formula instead of a pot of coffee... yum.
current mood:  confused
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, October 5th, 2007
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8:47 pm - One Whole Lunar Cycle Old....
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Today Alex is officially one month old. As of yesterday, he'd gained almost two pounds since he'd been home (and that's factoring in the weight he lost initially). We celebrated by going out and getting pictures done. Originally, the shoot was supposed to be Alex and Brit, but Brit was exhausted, so instead we had some "mommy and me" pics done. This was actually a good thing, since we had virtually no pics of the two of us together that I liked. I either looked drugged up, was blinking, yawning, or both, or they were just horrifically unflattering. I'm pleased to say that these pics turned out wonderfully. I'll post a couple when I get them back (some time around the 17th).
In other news, some sixteen-year-old guy is hanging out with my daughter. I have not had the time to process this yet, as he only recently (as in an hour ago) introduced himself. I hope Brit doesn't get too fond of him, as it is likely that I will have to scare him off shortly. (Of course, if he's still hanging out with her in front of the apartment when her father shows up to pick her up in half an hour, he can handle it. That'll be fun to watch.)I'm really going to have to get better at thinking on my toes, or she's going to eat me alive in her teenage years.
Also, I can't wait to be able to think clearly again. I don't remember communication ever being such a tiresome task....
current mood: tired
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| Saturday, September 29th, 2007
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5:51 pm - Welllllll Fuck....
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I have no pants.
It has come to my attention that none of my jeans or other pants (other than yoga pants) fit anymore. Ironically, the diabetic diet ensured that my waist stayed the same size. However, the slicing and dicing that facilitated Alex's grand entrance into the world also created an unsightly bulge just over my brand new oh-so-pretty scar. (I'm assuming that it's pretty because all the nurses kept commenting how Dr. Wright did such a wonderful job on it.) So basically, after exercising daily throughout my entire pregnancy, I am more toned than I was to start out with, but my abs are fucked. JOY </sarcasm
In more positive news, I may actually get to make it to family dinner tonight (if I can find something to wear). Alex got all his crying-for-no-reason done before 6 PM, which means that I may be able to take him out and about this evening. Woot. :)
Chris
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| Wednesday, September 26th, 2007
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4:34 pm - Adventures In Mommyhood....
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For those of you who are wondering, my entries will eventually not all be about the baby... but for now, they are. I can't help it. He's my new obsession. :)
That being said, I think we may have broke him. He's three weeks old today, and all he's been doing is whining, crying, and being awake....
Wait. Let me revise that. He's asleep right now. This is, I presume, because it's daytime, and he should be awake. Instead, he's decided he's a nocturnal creature and that it's better to be awake at 4:30 in the morning than at 4:30 in the afternoon. Needless to say, I'm not exactly thrilled with this recent turn of events.
I'm noticing that this whole process (of raising an infant) is not, as I thought it would be, easier the second time around. I presumed that, having done all this once before, it would be like riding a bike. Once you know how, you're set for life. But this is not the case at all. If anything, taking care of Alex has been more difficult (mentally, mostly) than taking care of Brit ever was. This is not because Brit was necessarily "easier". It's just... different. I think that, having had Brit at sixteen, I was probably not as aware of the magnitude of the responsibility that comes with taking care of a creature that is, basically, utterly dependent on you for survival. (It sounds dramatic, but it's true.) Knowing what I do doesn't make it any easier to take care of him. Actually, it makes me a lot more nervous, and nervous is not necessarily a positive thing.
I'm going to assume that everything I wonder about and am thinking is perfectly normal for someone who's just spent 13 years without an infant around. I find myself thinking, "Am I doing this right?" quite a lot. I'm also paranoid about whether *insert new behavior or noise here* is normal and whether he's okay at whatever moment. I haven't reached the point of checking him out to make sure he's still breathing multiple times a night, but I suspect this is because he doesn't sleep very often, so I'm too exhausted to compulsively check.
The bumpy start didn't exactly help with my paranoia. The jaundice and weight loss set the mood, and I seem to have taken it and run with it from there. Now I'm worried all the time, which is, frankly, exhausting in and of itself. The prospect of doing schoolwork on top of the aforementioned stress is slightly terrifying. I keep reminding myself that I'm doing fine and that Alex is fine, but when he won't stop crying, it gets difficult to accept that babies just do that sometimes. Sometimes it almost seems like I take his fits of colic as a personal failure. Jeff, of course, knows better and seems to take everything in stride. I'm almost jealous, but I realize that I'm incredibly lucky (and so is Alex) to have him around.
Maybe this is just a postpartum thing. Certainly, my hormones haven't gotten back to regularly scheduled programming as of yet. I know this, because I keep losing track of what I'm saying halfway through a sentence. Luckily, I'm no longer bursting into tears for no apparent reason, causing me to start laughing while crying, causing my daughter to look at me like I've lost my mind. However, there is only so much nervousness and apprehension that can be normal, and the fact that I felt almost none of it last time around doesn't alleviate any of my concerns.
Don't get me wrong. I love Alex, and I don't regret a thing. I know that I'm blessed and that this, too, shall pass. It's just that I've never handled uncertainty well, and I seem to be dwelling in a state of near-permanent uncertainty lately. It's not exactly comfortable. I'm just waiting for some kind of confidence to kick in... At this point, Jeff and Brit seem to have more of it than I do (which I almost feel guilty for, as illogical as that sounds).
Hm. I didn't mean for this entry to sound so depressing. Things are not actually bad. I guess I just needed to get some of the emotional baggage off my chest. Hope I didn't bring anyone down!
current mood: confused
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4:31 pm - Pics of the Kiddies
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| Thursday, September 20th, 2007
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2:11 am - Munchkin(s) Update
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Brit got more A's than she did C's on her report card. Yay! (She'd do even better if she didn't skip homework because--as she says--it's too easy.) This means that I don't have to resort to threats and bribery yet. I just have to harass her on a daily basis. Woot.
Alex is still a cute little creature (and is finally gaining some weight). ( Here are a couple of pics: )
current mood: tired
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| Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
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2:44 pm - A Very Quick Announcement
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I am finally home from the hospital, with a new baby in tow.
Alexzander Gregory Collins was born September 5, 2007 at 12:57 PM. He weighed in at a very healthy 7 lbs 13 oz. and was 19.5 inches long. He is absolutely gorgeous and doing well. I'm doing well, too but have developed a bit of a cold (and of course, am still recovering from surgery). I'm thrilled to be home and up and moving around again.
Jeff has been absolutely amazing with Alex and with my occasional hormonal outbursts (which have been less frequent since I've gotten some sleep). He is truly wonderful...
And now I'm off to feed the little creature. Pictures will be posted at some point in the near future.
current mood:  happy
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(11 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 1st, 2007
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5:15 pm
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Once again, it's been Forever since I've bothered to post. But once again, I have a good excuse. This one involves a few months of nausea and exhaustion interspersed with bouts of emotional upheaval and an annoying need to urinate every 15 minutes. On a positive note, I no longer have to do fun stuff like invest in feminine products or use birth control. I'm saving a lot of money on cigarettes (it's been over a month since my last one, and I'm happy to report that no one was killed as a result of my decision.... probably because I was too nauseous to be sociable, and thus, had no one to arouse my considerable ire). Jeff got snapped at a few times, as did Britany, but for the most part, I handled it well. This is because I slept through most of the withdrawal process.
So we got an ultrasound on Monday. It's an interesting looking little creature right now (I only say "it" because I don't know whether we have a boy or a girl yet). Its head is hugely out of proportion to its body, which I was told is not an indication of a disproportionately large and impressive brain (dammit). The little tyke will apparently grow into it, much like I'm managing to grow into clothes I thought I'd permanently retired. (I managed to get knocked up after losing 15 - 20 pounds; my timing is, as always, superb.) S/he's a jumpy little fetus, as indicated by the several rounds both the doctor and the technician had to employ in order to pin down a heartbeat or a good picture. (I need a scanner, so I can post the first picture. Not sure whether s/he's smiling, but it looks entirely possible that s/he's doing a little jig for our entertainment.) It's apparently inherited my family's penchant for creating mischief, which means I will have my hands full for the next... oh... 18 years (not that Brit doesn't keep them full enough already).
Despite the fact that this pregnancy was definitely not planned, I'm still excited about being a mommy again. It's definitely not a job for the faint of heart, but I feel up to the challenge (even if the symptoms are kicking my ass... considering the pain in the ass this pregnancy is, I'm thinking it's gotta be a boy... I felt like doing cartwheels and going on hikes the entire time I was pregnant with Brit. Only a boy could wreak such havoc, no offense to anyone reading this. :) The fact is that I wanted to have another one anyway, and I didn't want to have one after my mid-thirties, so... as people so often do, I got what I wanted, even if it wasn't exactly the way I had it planned.
I wonder if my sudden enthusiasm for anything Spiderman has anything to do with this pregnancy.... or I could just be nuts (please don't confirm that; I'm hormonal and might cry). :-)
current mood:  content
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| Friday, October 6th, 2006
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12:35 pm - You would think....
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that moving to Nobletucky with a new boy, a new job, and a new ...life basically would keep the old questions out of your head. Not really. In fact, there's more space for that kind of particular torture here. I keep looking around at the (uncluttered) apartment, thinking, "what am I doing?"
Last night someone looked me in the eyes and thanked me for teaching them not to take people for granted... it almost made me cry, not because it was some wonderful sentimment, but because I recognized it as an acknoledgement of how I try to live my life. People are wonderful and terrible, and every minute with them can go either way. I keep looking for the wonderful, because you never know how long the terrible will last. In my experience, it's never as long as the wonderful. Some things ring truer than others, and when you look at it objectively, most people are inherently good, in all their weakness. You recognize your own weaknesses in theirs, and then it is simply impossible not to forgive. At least most of the time...
All of that being said, sometimes I find it impossible to sleep, knowing that I can piss words out of my ass, and I'm not putting them anywhere important. I give more people far more credit than I could ever give myself. Maybe it's the Catholic upbringing, but I still find myself in the middle of that whole ring-around-the-finger-wanting-another-baby fantasy once in awhile. More and more, I also find myself wondering what the fuck I'm doing, or not doing more accurately. I'm a good mom. Great. Beyond that, I'm a lot of little things that get acknowledged once in awhile, often enough for a clear representation of such things to bring me to tears.
I'm still at the same impasse I've been at for years. I toss and turn wondering which fucking way I'm supposed to go........... am I taking myself for granted?
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| Saturday, September 9th, 2006
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7:14 am - Life in General...
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It occurred to me that I haven't really written about life since I've moved, and since it's been nearly a month, perhaps I should. So I will...
All in all, life's been good. We got moved in before the munchkin started school, we're mostly unpacked, and Brit got her birthday at King's Island (thanks, darling), where we discovered that we're both coaster freaks. I'd post pictures, but the scanner's not hooked up yet. She's doing good in school, but dear god, she is turning into such a little teenager. Frightening. It's funny how while she was growing up the fact that I was young was a benefit... it doesn't matter now. The way she sees it, I'm her mother, I'm old by virtue of the fact, and she knows infinitely more than I ever could. I suppose I was the same way around her age... I'll have to wait another 10 years for the "Okay, I was wrong.... help" speech. She'll have to bump her head a thousand times beforehand, half of which the time I'll cry for her. Until then, I'll just have to keep giving her advice she doesn't want to hear, thereby making her path just a little bit easier. Parenting a teenager is an absolutely thankless job. She fucks up occasionally, but for the most part, I'm proud of who she's becoming, and that makes it all worthwhile. I will say this, though. Some days are better than others. She's doing good, but right now, I have to parent a day at a time.
Jeff and I are doing well. Occasionally, I get tongue-tied when I want to thank him for being as..... well.... I guess understanding as he is. Granted, he knew I had a daughter and she could be occasionally be much like her mother coming in, but I'd expected more setbacks than what I'm getting. So far, the two of them seem to giggle at each other more than anything else, which is interesting. I keep waiting for the other foot to fall, but it doesn't. It seems the two of them might actually like one another...
The only real setback has been that I had to put my cat to sleep yesterday. After talking to my family members, and a vet via family members, we came to the conclusion that she was just not going to make it. Jesse was almost 15 years old, and so it didn't come as a surprise. It was still not a fun decision to make... but I don't think it ever is. From her symptoms, I'm fairly certain she was dying of feline leukemia. It had set in over the last few weeks, and at first, I thought she was just stressed over the move. After a certain point, there's nothing you can do but choose to let the cat die peacefully. So that's what I did.... She will be missed.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
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5:05 am
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| Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
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5:21 pm
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Just stopping to wish a very blessed Lammas to those who celebrate it. May all your harvests be bountiful.
And now, back to packing. I can't believe how much shit I've acquired over the last six years. Need more boxes. Need more trash bags. Need more TIME.
Fourteen days and counting...
current mood:  busy
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| Saturday, July 22nd, 2006
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1:25 am - Have I mentioned lately that the munchkin Rawks?
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Brit:"Soooo, Mom... I have a question."
Me: "I have an answer."
Brit: "I want a real answer, though."
Me: "That sounds dangerous.... go for it."
Brit: "I was just wondering... how are you going to afford moving, getting all of my school stuff, and birthday presents?"
Me: "Hmmm... it's a good question. But you shouldn't worry about it. I'll figure it out."
Brit: "I could have a late birthday."
Me: "I think not... but have I told you lately how awesome you are?"
So yeah, I'm back to bragging. I thought it was incredibly sweet of her to offer... even though there's no way in Hell she's going without a b-day celebration. I thought about surprising her and taking her to King's Island, but I'm not sure that can be managed as her birthday is a week after the proposed move-in date. But I haven't completely given up on it, either. I'll just have to wait and see what I have to work with in August.
As of now, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can get in the apartment by the time school starts. What the leasing office has ominously termed "phase one" is now complete. That means that they have all the paperwork they could ever possibly need, and short of giving me an IQ test and an anal probe, there's pretty much nothing about me that hasn't been revealed for their deliberation. The fact that a "phase two" exists makes me considerably nervous, considering the hoops I had to jump through to get through phase one. But I was assured that phase two is more passive. It simply involves waiting. I'm fairly certain that it also involves a certain amount of prayer (as in "please, dear Goddess, let them call me back and tell me the apartment's mine right NOW" or "please, no more paperwork, or my head will simply explode"). For now, my nerves have been soothed by the leasing agent, who used words and terms like "promising", "so far so good", and "soon". I like that last one best.
At least I have work to keep me from staring anxiously at the phone. Speaking of, I work a double tomorrow, which means... sleep is good. Got entirely too little of it last night, as I drank entirely too much coffee for my own good and then walked around at work all day like a zombie. Since when did coffee cause hangovers? Hm.
current mood:  hopeful
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