Usually when the end of another year draws closer I get a little nostalgic and just want to take long walks in the rain, watch the sunset, do all kind of movie stuff that I imagine is what life should be like. This year is different though, which is strange since I turned twenty and that's the end of an era isn't it? I haven't celebrated my birthday due to lack of time but also, perhaps mainly, because I don't want to acknowledge the end of my childhood. I like being a child.

Still, looking back, perhaps I'm finally coming of age. Which is also something typically part of what I imagine part of what life should be, this moment that you realize that this is it and you're ready to jump and just do. It hasn't been that clear, though, but 2007 has brought me a lot of excitement and changes and responsibility, and isn't responsibility the sign of adulthood?

I think before 2007 my life could be divided into three parts: school, the internetz and music. And I think they were of equal size, or maybe music was a bit larger than the other two. And I thought I was there, you know! I thought I made it, I was smart and talented and not too ugly and everything was fine and I was on top of the world, kind of.

This year has brought lots and lots of studying, but also lots and lots of other things. The student board, which I've told you about before, but also some other things like - you know how before you go to college you can visit colleges or sometimes they'll come to you to persuade you and things like that? I organize these things with a team of about 20 others for my university. I'm even on the front of this years brochure (in GREEN mind you, it's very ET-like). And besides that I'm also setting up a show for children aged 12-14, to teach them about computer sciences and mathematics. A real show that'll be in theaters and stuff, which is so much fun to do! I guess I just got involved in... things.

And it's all been asking a lot of me which is just fine - I'm not complaining! But my typical week consists out of going to university from 9.00 am 'till 17.00 pm. During lunch I usually have a meeting with either the board, or the people from the show, or sometimes with teachers or boards from other universities or even the local politicians. And then in the evening there are more meetings, or I'm teaching high school students, or about once a week I'm meeting up with a friend, and if I'm not then I'm catching up with my studies. The ending of this year doesn't feel like the end of anything at all, really. Or perhaps I'm just too busy to notice.

Sometimes I wish I could just hang around in pyjama's for a whole day again and do absolutely nothing but then again, I'm so happy that I always have something to do.

Anyway, I'll be teaching fulltime next week from January 2nd 'till January 7th and after that there are three weeks filled with exams so I won't be on for a while. Happy 2008 in advance to all of you, I hope you'll all have fun eating and drinking and being and go easy on the champagne!

Taken from K, arrivee - would you fill this out for me? And you know, add the "why's" if you feel like it.

if i were a month, i would be:
if i were a day of the week, i would be:
if i were a time of day, i would be:
if i were a planet, i would be:
if i were a sea animal, i would be:
if i were a direction, i would be:
if i were a piece of furniture, i would be:
if i were a sin, i would be:
if i were a historical figure, i would be:
if i were a liquid, i would be:
if i were a stone, i would be:
if i were a tree, i would be:
if i were a bird, i would be:
if i were a tool, i would be:
if i were a flower/plant, i would be:
if i were a kind of weather, i would be:
if i were a mythical creature, i would be:
if i were a musical instrument, i would be:
if i were an animal, i would be:
if i were a colour, i would be:
if i were a vegetable, i would be:
if i were a sound, i would be:
if i were an element, i would be:
if i were a car, i would be:
if i were a song, i would be:
if i were a movie, i would be directed by:
if i were a book, i would be written by:
if i were a food, i would be:
if i were a place, i would be:
if i were a material, i would be:
if i were a taste, i would be:
if i were a scent, i would be:
if i were a religion, i would be:
if i were a word, i would be:
if i were an object, i would be:
if i were a body part, i would be:
if i were a facial expression, i would be:
if i were a subject in school, i would be:
if i were a cartoon character, i would be:
if i were a shape, i would be:
if i were a number, i would be:

You don't have to do them all (actually, you don't have to do anything at all, of course) - just pick those that speak to you and that you would like to babble about.

( mine, then )

I used to have these dreams, you know. Bright and shiny and full of colour, dreams of my future and what I'd accomplish, what a difference I'd make, how amazing I'd be. Secretly I'm kind of a megalomaniac.

I used to be really, really good at things, too. Top of my school, great musician, pretty girl. But it never really felt as if I did something. I just, I've got a really good memory, and music, that's just a talent, and looks that just what I was born like. Everything I've accomplished until now in life seems so insignificant because it just came to me. I've never have had to work for something in my life.

And now I'm here, at university and I think, I really do think I'm doing what I love most but, god. I could never have imagined how hard this is. I don't think I ever in all earnesty did know how it is to not understand something instantly. To study something for hours and hours and still not get it.

My mom says we all reach our ceiling at some point in life and it's the strong that break through and become succesfull. I want to be strong and break through so I can fly out to the sky but there are moments that I try to tell myself I can't, that this is my final ceiling and that this is all I'll ever be.

I don't want this to be everything I'll ever be. But I also wish life could be easy again.

And I've said this so many times before but everytime I think it it feels more real to me; all I did uptill now was just practice for the real thing. This is the real thing, here is my place and now is my time! But what if I've missed my train already?

I wish I wasn't so afraid of missing things so I could enjoy more of the view.

This is for all of you, whom I consider close to my heart.

I'm jealous of you, for you seem to take life into your own hands. I look at you and I can see that you have gone beyond dreaming, imagining. I look at you jumping higher than I ever dared, going further than I ever looked. You are working hard to reach what you want and dream of, and it seams unreal that I, who have never considered myself a dreamer, am now left behind dreaming while you are moving forward and almost, almost there.

I'm proud of you. Proud because I've seen you grow and flower like the cherry blossoms do in spring. I remember when we first met, it seems years ago and perhaps it was - I remember you being so imperfect and charmingly so, but you seem to have concquered - perhaps not all but at least most. You're closer to adulthood than I ever felt! You've become beautiful.

I fear you, for you seem to see right through me. There are parts of myself I'd rather not let you, who mean much to me, see. I'm not pretty inside and out, but I'd like to think you think I am! Do you - have I been able to blind you? I'm thankful for your efforts to look beyond the surface but honestly, I wish you weren't as perceptive as you are. You pinpoint the parts of me I worked hard to cover up and sometimes, even forgot existed.

I admire you! So much, you don't know how much I admire you. I have never in real life encountered anyone as kind as you, as willing to put time and effort in another human being, as able to be vulnerable. I've thought many times that I used up all your good but it never seems to come to an end. You are amazing, amazing. You're so good - I don't think I knew what it was to be a good person before I met you. You are my idol, in more ways than I myself understand sometimes.

I'm thankful for you. I think you've made a wonderful, exciting journey and I'm thankful you chose to share it with me. I hope you'll share more with me in the future. You've played a big part in my own growth, even if I haven't really grown that much. You were my sunlight, in a way, and I thank you with all my heart.

And I wonder, could I have been your sunlight, or am I just being vain?

I like Livejournal.

I really, really do and I've never had any problems with it. oceana_ basically lists why I like Livejournal so much - her last reason being the main one - LJ genuinely tries to make us happy. Real hard. And sure, sure, sometimes they don't listen but hey, it's just people behind the scenes, isn't it? Maybe the one handling the abuse report regarding the suspended fanartists was in a bad mood or had an extraordinarily strong opinion about the matter or whatever. It's just people.

Look, I'm not angry with LJ. I'm not involved with Scribble It out of spite or anything. Frankly, I think a lot of us are overreacting like crazy. Two people have been suspended, not 92374932749374. Those people did post artwork that, to make an understatement, was far from mainstream. And it's only been a week. With a weekend inbetween. Who knows, maybe LJ is working really really hard behind the scenes to make us happy again and at the same time not to get themselves into legal trouble.

Despite all of this, I am in favour of moving out. I agree with all of you who say that a fen-run site is going to run into the same legal issues as LJ did, and I agree that it'll be troublesome, money-wise, time-wise, everything-wise. And no, it won't be perfect and no, things won't run as smoothly as LJ does right now but hey - we're new you know. LJ wasn't quite like blogging-heaven when it started out.

But I think, what a fen-run service offers is solidarity. Possibly we'll come to a point when again, users will be suspended or whatnot, but I believe that a fen-run service would communicate whatever they could to their users because fandom wouldn't target their own. And in that same light, I believe that as opposed to what is happening here, users and organization could and would form one front.

I believe firmly that with a fen-run service, both users and organization would always do what is best for eachother. Because they have the same objective! And LJ and fandom don't - LJ's objective is m-o-n-e-y while fandom's is, well I guess right now it's freedom or something but it definitely is not money. And regardless of everything, having the same goals can go along way.

With all this happening, I think the one thing I've learned is that fandom is a beautiful place. I think it's amazing that people from different countries, of different ages, fen of different shows and books and whatnot are all pulling together supporting all of us because I don't think I ever realised how much fandom really means all of us.

Coming up next - thoughts on the structure of Scribble It. Stay tuned!

Well. I finished it.

I'm not writing up a review or, you know. Telling you the good parts or the bad parts because it's been written down more articulately than I ever could.

It's just that, despite all my pretensive down-to-earthness about it all, I guess it's true that I too sort of, grew up with Harry Potter. He came of age simultaneously almost, and he's the kind of good we'd all like to be, is he not? And it's - I mean, following HP was so different from sticking with a tv-show. There's the same suspense and unraveling of theories but, there are gaps of years rather than a week between installments. We have had years to read and re-read, find every tiny hole, every tiny hint, every tiny wink in some direction, even if it wasn't even put there intentionally. There was room for expectations to be built higher than I, or perhaps anyone, could ever have imagined.

I was so anxious to read the last book, and at the same time I didn't really want to read the last book because despite what you think of it, anything JKR writes is defined truth in this universe. Even if you don't like it. And that sucks but it's what pulls us in at the same time, isn't it?

I mean she isn't exactly the greatest gift to literature but that's okay and we knew it all along. But reading DH wasn't like reading any book, I didn't admire her language or flow or just skill at writing. I think that's the strength of her books - the story is strong enough to make us forget how imperfect her writing is.

And it's okay that way.

There was just something definite in reading the last one. Not the end of "an era" per se, as I've read some of you experienced it but more like - you know, when the movies came out I never wanted to see them because I felt they would kill off my own imagination. This wasn't really killing off my imagination but we've all become attached to some characters - I certainly have. And there's an image in my mind of how they would act, where they're from, why they are the way they are and of course, the image is never the same as JKR's image of them. Not completely. And others may be disappointed in JKR but for me it was - I was disappointed in them. Or I rejoiced at noticing that they're better than I imagined. JKR was never once in my mind and I can only admire her for despite all her flaws, she managed to pull that off.

I guess I'm kind of sad now because there's always a sadness to endings and there'll be no suspense, speculation, evolving theories now, not like there were before because this time, we'll never know if we're right or not. This is all the truth we'll ever get and I don't think I'll ever get enough of truth.

But it's been good, hasn't it?

I don't think I've ever in my life felt so, incredibly dumb. Stupid and dumb and ignorant and just so very. Blonde. Like a playboy bunny. Nice looking furniture. Pretty wallpaper. I'll just shut up because at least I can't say anything stupid that way.

Jesus. Did I just become dumb or did they become smart and when did it happen, how did I miss it, this?

I quite enjoyed being intelligent, really.

I think internet popularity works much like popularity in life offline, except that it moves in slow motion.

I've changed my stance on internet life versus life offline so many times now that you might doubt my sincerity but I'm not being insincere. I'm learning and trying to view more nuances. My opinions change all the time because new information comes in. It isn't a sign of insincerity or weakness or whatnot. At worst it's a sign that I used to be uninformed and at best, I like to believe that at best it's a sign that I'm willing to see the error of my ways.

I know that some of you, perhaps most you, of us, that we're not big on social contact offline. Perhaps that was the reason we went online in the first place, it certainly was for me. We often have this, this thing that makes us different - for me it was that I'm ugly and tiny and a mix of cultures, for you it might have been something else and I don't mean this as an offense but, I truly believe that there are few people who actively live online and are not outsiders in one way or another. We come here in search of something we can not find offline that all others can. And perhaps that's what bonds us, that we're together in our disability to find friendship or love or appreciation of self-assurance or whatever, whatever it is you crave for.
( Read more... )