mr. monkeybottoms' wild ride of wacky funtime reading

Hey suckers! I have had one heck of a busy, crazy whirlwind ride of a year.  I keep meaning to post but then more crazy whirlwind things happen and I get all busy and stuff. It sucks cause then I'm doing stuff and not updating and then I think "hey I should update" and then I fall asleep cause I'm exhausted. But I will try to do a quick catch-up:

So, a while ago I was having a craving for something yummy. I was in Shopper's Drug Mart picking up a few things and I saw these:

I bet you are all thinking, "I wonder what mr. monkeybottoms did for Halloween this year. I know it was months ago but dammit, I just can't stop wondering!" Well wonder no more, friends!

I was told that we could dress up at my new bookstore job, which made me kinda excited. Cool! I could walk around in something besides the stupid black vests they make us wear. Trust me, no one looks good in those things. So I thought and thought about what I could be for Halloween. I thought and thought again. Then I thought some more. Then I had a drink of milk because milk is yummy and nutritious. Then I thought about it again.

Okay, all of that is a lie, I really didn't think about it all that much. Oh, but I did drink the milk. I love milk.

Oooh boy, was I ever excited about my costume on Halloween morning! I got all ready and drove to work, giggling the whole way. When I walked in most everyone didn't know who I was, which amused me to no end. My costume was really funny! Kyle's girlfriend Rachel squealed and laughed her ass off when she saw me, which was a good sign.

( Read more... )

When I was 13 I got a Vikings jersey for Xmas from my Mom's long-time then-boyfriend Neil. Neil was a great guy who was fun and thoughtful and caring and I adored this jersey.

Unfortunately my Mom broke up with Neil so it was not to be, but I remembered him fondly. For years I would tell Kevin about the awesome Vikings jersey I'd gotten for Xmas and how I wore it all the time and how I loved it and how great my Vikings jersey was.

Recently, while looking through some old pictures I came across a photo from the very Xmas I got the Vikings jersey. "Kev! Look! Here I am in my Vikings jersey!" I said happily, holding it up.



KEVIN: That's not a Vikings jersey. That's a Chargers jersey.
ME: What?! But...
KEVIN: Remember Kyle's favorite team? The Vikings? How his jersey is purple and not blue? And the logo is a Viking?
ME: Um...
KEVIN: They don't have lightening bolts on their jerseys. How could you not know that?  Why would you think that was a Vikings jersey?
ME: Because! It was all...Thor...throwing down lightening bolts from Mount Olympus and...stuff...
KEVIN: *ignores the Mount Olympus error* I can't believe that all this time you've been telling me about your Vikings jersey and it's a Chargers jersey.


Suffice it to say that everytime we all watch the Vikings on Kyle's new big-ass flat screen LCD or HD or whatever it's called TV I turn to him and say, "Hey, did I ever tell you about my Vikings jersey?" And then he just makes a face.

The best reaction to this picture was from my little brother who wrote: "Why did you get the bad-ass Vikings jersey? Meanwhile im dressed up as a SAILOR! Y - M - C - A ! Where the heck do you get a sailor suit anyways? Steal it from a movie set?"

Hahaha! Also, be advised that the year was 1983 and everyone had stupid giant glasses like that. In fact, my next pair after those were even bigger. Sweet.
 

Hey, you know how sometimes stuff says stuff on the labels of stuff but you don't really think that's what it means and then it turns out it totally meant what it said on the label? I'm not talking about how those potato chips say they may cause 'anal leakage' and then you totally turn into some kind of crap factory. Anyone can make that mistake once. Not me though.

I mean something more along the lines of the big, beautiful chicken I bought from The Superstore today. Now, on one hand I love The Superstore because it is a one-stop shopping destination with great prices and beautiful produce. Seriously, that produce just begs for me to fondle it. Who can refuse a little apple fondling? Not this cat. BUT, on the other hand, The Superstore makes you bag your own groceries and then they insult you even more by making you pay for the bags too. Of course you can always bring your own bags from home and recycle and keep the Earth green and eat granola and drop acid and hugs trees but what do I look like, some sort of hippie? I don't think so. Mostly I'm just forgetful. I have a lot of Superstore plastic bags in my kitchen drawer.

Oh...right, back to the chicken. I was shopping with Nanny and we were perusing the meat department (hehehehe. That sounds pervy) when I got all excited about the big, beautiful roasting chickens they had for only $8. "Hey Nanny! Check this out!" I called to her and held up the package. "This chicken has the feet on still! How cute!" It was cute, oddly enough. Well, it was to me anyways. Funny, adorable little naked chicken feet. I looked at the label that proclaimed, "chicken with head and feet". I looked, saw the feet, saw the neck, thought nothing more on the subject. We're having chicken soup tonight! Yay! I like soup!

That night I started the soup. The girls were all in the living room, which has a good view to the kitchen. Thinking myself clever and witty, I held up the chicken by the feet. "Hey girls! Check this out! The chicken still has it's little feet on!" I cried, waving the bird about slightly. They all looked and made adorable little 'ew' faces.

"Mom! It's dripping on the floor!" D1 pointed out. I looked down to see it was indeed doing just that so I chucked it into the sink for its rinse before it went into the stew pot. And that's when I saw it.

Now, I'd just like to point out that most things do not bother me about food or carcasses. Skin? Yummy. Fat? Mmmm. Bone? Good for gnawing. I can cut up a chicken or carve a turkey no problem. Kevin can't even eat a chicken thigh because of the bone. I have to carve the chicken and hide the bones before he comes into the room or he will be ill. His whole family is the same way, the weirdos. But me? It's all good. Until...

I looked into the sink. I mean, really looked. "OH MY GOD! IT'S STILL GOT IT'S HEAD ATTACHED!!!!!" I screamed.

The girls all shrieked. "What??"

"THE HEAD! THE HEAD! OMG IT STILL HAS A HEAD! IT'S STILL ON!!"

All four girls (B1 and B2's best friend M was over, as she always is. She's pretty much my 4th daughter) ran into the kitchen to see, which made me panic even more. A few months ago B1 and the best friend M decided to go all vegematarian and it was the most confusing time of my life. Puberty? Pregnancy? Math Exams? Nothing compared to trying to get those two 13 year olds to eat SOMETHING, ANYTHING with protein. And now they were mere steps away from seeing a dead chicken laying in my sink, looking at me with it's accusing cold, blue eyes. I saw another go at the vegetarian thing looming on the horizon.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T LOOK!" They all ignored me and clamored close. "DON'T LOOK! DON'T LOOK!!" I thrust my hand towards the sink, sort of like I was covering the chicken's line of sight. Like that would somehow help.

The room filled with screams of, "OMG! OMG!" as they peered in the sink at the limp little chicken. "It's head! OMG! It had eyes!" Lots of giggling and screeching. And so forth. I'd like to say I wasn't screaming too, but....yeah. It was all just so exciting!

"What? Why? Why would they sell the chicken like that?" D1 asked as they all scurried back to the safety of the living room.

"Well...the label said 'with head and feet'. But..." I couldn't keep a straight face. "I didn't think they meant it! I saw the feet and I saw neck...I just thought they meant...lots of neck. Not...you know. HEAD. WITH EYES! EYES LOOKING AT ME!"

This started a bunch of screaming and laughing and so forth. My own eyes slid back to the sink where the pair of blank and yet strangely sinister eyes gazed back at me. Well! I'd had enough of these shenanigans. "Okay! I've had enough of this!" I announced, once again grabbing the chicken by it's little feet and plopping it soundly on my cutting board. "I'm chopping it's little head off."

More squeals and shouts. I ignored it and cleaver-ed away. One stroke and bye-bye birdie. I also took off the feet, for good measure.  I wanted to add them to my chicken stock pot as I've heard they are full of flavor but god forbid if Kevin found out. He'd never eat the soup if I did. The girls all chimed in that they couldn't either if the feet were in it. It's not like they'd STAY in there, it would only be for the stock.

Wusses.

Okay okay, I'll post, I'll post! :-)

Well, fall is once again here which brings the monkeybottoms' family into another cycle of fruit flies. Ah, what a magical time of year this is! How I love it! Those teeny tiny wings, the little beady eyes, the smell of KONK, the not being able to get rid of the little bastards. It's all so wondrous.

We've been fighting the losing battle for a bit now thanks to a lovely bunch of bananas. That's the thanks I get for trying to force some potassium into the girls, I suppose. Thanks for being a good mother, monkeybottoms! Thanks for NOTHING. I swear to god, these fruit flies are going to be the end of me. Kevin is, of course, grimly carrying on with the struggle by being all anal and demanding that there is never a hint of garbage in the can at night and telling us to rinse our dishes and all sorts of crazy stuff. Then he sprays the KONK. I super hate that smell now. Errrgh.

Of course we go to sleep and get up in the morning and go to work and when I get back I discover that one of the twins has left a half-eaten bowl of Cheerios on the kitchen table and the fruit flies are having a jamboree in it. Seriously, a milky bowl of Cheerios is like a friggin fruit fly fertility clinic. Sometimes I forget something too, like the orange sucker from Halloween. I was entertaining myself by letting the dogs lick it on and off throughout the evening while I read my latest book. Whoops! Then I blame it on the girls. Hehehehe.

Hey, remember when I said I hated the smell of KONK? Guess what? I found something that smells worse, like SKUNK. Or, even worse than that, skunk that was sprayed right in your dog's FACE. Yes, poor little Blue got sprayed right in front of our steps. The bratty skunk was looking for garbage. I TOLD Kevin that our dogs didn't eat the neighbour's garbage yesterday but no, he blamed them and cleaned it up. Haha! Chump!

Poor little Blue though. She was so sad. Her little eyes were red and she ended up throwing up twice. Buddy got some on him too, but not nearly as bad. I Googled for a recipe and Kevin and I ran to Shopper's Drug Mart for peroxide, baking soda and dish soap. Kevin insisted on apologizing to EVERY PERSON IN THE STORE for the way we smelled. Thanks Kev. Please, bring more attention to us. But I guess I liked it better than having them all talk about how much we reeked and what a bunch of freakazoids we were and god, why don't they take a BATH?

Blue was so sad she just crawled right into the tub when I told her to, and then she just stood there while I rubbed the mixture into her fur. I wiped her eyes with water a lot and she really seemed to like it. They felt hot, and so did her mouth. But she wasn't teary and they weren't really red anymore, so that was a good sign. Then for good measure she got a dump of tomato juice. I don't think it did much. The other stuff helped. Buddy got the same treatment but he wasn't nearly as passive. He has these long, delicate little deer-legs and he finds the bath tub a slippery place. He fell down once and I felt so bad for him! Klutz. The bathroom was a total disaster area, especially after Buddy panicked, jumped out of the tub and shook, spraying peroxide-baking soda-soap mixture everywhere, making a towel fall into the bucket of peroxide mixture, making me lunge for it and at the same time making me drop the shower hose, making water spray EVERYWHERE, making me scream for Kevin and in general, making the night suck just that much more. It also made me get a nice bumpy peroxide rash on my leg for a while, but it's gone now. Hey, why is my skin all white there? Hmm.

My entire house smells horrid. We have bowls of coffee grounds everywhere, and some of vinegar too. I keep spraying Oust air cleaner but it's no match. The dogs smell much better but not 100%. It is way past my bedtime.

BUT: On the plus side I think the smell killed all the fruit flies.

So many questions and no answers to be found. I know this is a beauty pagent from the 80's. I know the woman's name is Stacy Hedger. But what I really want to know is: WHY?

Ok...I guess that I only have one question, not many.

The bookstore has seven computers scattered throughout the store. When one of us see someone trying to use the old, slow, shitty things we are supposed to go offer our help. Not because the computers suck balls but because we are supposed to be like, helpful and stuff. It's pretty hard to be helpful when you are working with the crappiest computers in the wold, but whatever.

One time I spotted a man typing on one of the center isle computes and came over.

"Hi! Can I help you with your..." I trail off as my eyes fall on what he's typed in the search bar: 'How to make your marriage work with your transgendered spouse'. Wow. He, of course, is not pleased that I have shoved my way into this rather personal moment and pretty much tells me to get lost. I do, happily. Now I couldn't care less if you are living with a shemale or a he-she or a furry but if you are going to be all offended when an employee comes to help you and sees what you are looking for then how are you going to manage to pay for it? The hell.

The next day...yes, the next day...I do the exact same thing. Only this time, as I trail off my eyes read, "Herpes" and the middle-aged woman is much nicer. She told me about 10 times how she was so embarrassed but she needed a certain book that she heard about on the Dr. Ruth show. That, and that her ex gave her herpes. And she would have searched for the book at home but her ex also took the computer. This made me mad and I said, "He did that AND he took your computer!? That's bunk!"

That afternoon I walked up to an old man typing away, read, "Lesbians", did a U-turn and walked away. I'm not that retarded.

Oh! But the best search ever? 'Teen sluts'. I don't know who typed that because he was already gone when I came up to the computer. Hey, jackass? This is a bookstore search, not the interweb.

Yes, it's stupid and yes it's simple but that is what makes it brilliant.

Kevin was watching SNL and he said, "When SNL comes on again at 12 you have to watch this digital short. It was written, directed and producted by mr. monkeybottoms. It is SO YOU."

And then I watched it and I laughed and laughed and laughed. And then I laughed some more. "Full recovery!" "Zombie dance!"

Rachel and I are going to do the zombie dance at work tomorrow.

Hi suckers! How have you all been? I've been massively busy and feel kinda bad for neglecting you so much lately. Or do I??? Yeah, I do. Kinda.

Ok, so what is new? I have SO MUCH to tell. Hmmm. Oh, I know, I have a new job! Yes, I left my office. I didn't have all that many tales to tell you about my office, but my new job involves me working in a large Canadian bookstore that I shall not name by name but let's just call it...Lisa S. No wait, that's too obvious. L. Simpson. There are lots of people coming in and this means I now have lots and lots and LOTS of stories to tell you. Whoot! Stories! And I get to work with Kyle and his girlfriend Rachel! Whoot! Kyle and Rachel! Good times.

My job involves me walking around the store and being my usual awesome self and helping people find their books and so forth. How can this go wrong, you say. Here's an example:

It is the end of my shift on a Friday, the end of my first week. A young man, about 19-20ish, comes up to me and asks for the music section. The entire right side of his face is covered in a massive purple bruise that wraps down to his chin and half of his upper lip, which is noticably swollen. As I lead him to the section I think to myself, "Self." I say, "Self, you need to work on your walk-and-talk skills. Make small talk." So I turn to him, motion towards my own face in example and ask, "So what happened?" I get ready to hear an exciting tale of fighting. Perhaps with roundhouse kicks to the face.

The man is visibly unhappy with me. "It's a birthmark." Sullen.

Yikes. I nod. "Ah." Save this conversation! my brain shrieks. I blink. "...do you get asked that alot?" is what I come up with. Smooth. I mean, c'mon! It's not like he isn't USED to the birthmark.

He scowls. "No." Short and unimpressed. Well, there is no saving this NOW.

I shrug and grin. "So. Just me then? Excellent." And I lead him to his book, hand it to him, and call it a day.



Tomorrow: How I learned to read what people are searching for on the store's computers before I asked if they needed any help.

Hey kids, it's No Pants Friday! And tomorrow is Justin Timberlake Falls in Love With Monkey Day. Yes, I am going to see him in concert. And yes, I am going with my youngest twin daughter B2. Shut up! I probably won't be the only 37 year old Mom with her 13 year old daughter at the concert because JT is made entirely of Awesome Deliciousness. Mmmm, awesome deliciousness. So delicious.

So, I have this problem with my pants. They keep falling off in front of Justin Timberlake! Haha, no no, that's not true. I have that issue that many girls have when they bend over or crouch down and suddenly there is all this ass cleavage everywhere. I can't help it! I have to wear the lower cut style of jeans or the waist is up to my ribs and I look like I'M FIFTY! I'M fifty and I like to KICK, strrrrrretch, AND KICK! Anyone ever see that Molly Shannon bit? It's hilarious. She hosted not too long ago and did that character and at one point she hiked up a leg, gestured to her crotch, pulled her pants up tight and showed off her camel toe to the world while saying, "I like to call this my Desert Rose!" Freaking brilliant. Seriously! I could see her vag! *wipes tear*

So what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my ass. I bend down, panties and bum everywhere, and then Kevin says, "Jesus, get that under control." And then I am sad. At least I am not wearing a thong and doing it on purpose. OR AM I!! No. No I'm not. I was just kidding there.

So anyways, in conclusion I am going jogging.

My Nanny and Grandpa could be the stars in a sitcom. It would be called, "Oh That Nanny!" and there would be hijinks and nutty misunderstandings and mistaken identities and a laugh track. It would premiere at number 40 on the charts and then quickly get cancelled, but then people would discover it and it would become a cult favorite.

Here's one scene: I'm having dinner with Nanny, Grandpa, Kevin, my brother Matt, his girlfriend Cindy and her brother Sean. This was the first time meeting Sean, and Nanny was quite excited. Cindy and Sean are gorgeous and they are from Trinidad and Tobago.

Nanny has cooked up a storm and is delighted that Sean is enjoying her home-made perogies. She all but points to him and exclaims in delight, "Look! Look! He likes them!", obviously meaning, "Look! Brown people like our food!" This makes all of us (except Grandpa, who has slipped further into Dementia) giggle. Then we all happen to catch the 'WTF' expression on Kevin's face, which makes us burst out laughing.  Then Grandpa said, "I hope we sell the house soon" and we all nod, despite the fact that the house was sold over two years ago and we were sitting in their apartment. Ah Dementia, why must you suck so bad?

After dinner Matt, Cindy and Sean left. Kevin and I were going to hang out with Kyle and his girlfriend Rachel. SInce they live so close by they walked over and came upstairs to say hello. After a short visit, we got up to leave. Nanny asked what we are going to do tonight and I told her, "Watch a movie, I guess."

"Oh," she says, "A sexy movie?"

Um...

I tilt my head at her. "Erm, no. Just a regular movie. Maybe a comedy."

(Cue laugh track)

Okay, I have been AWOL for quite some time now. Sure sure, I posted some brilliant Robot Chicken Star Wars youtube stuff a while ago but that doesn't really count as a post, you know? It's not like I was writing anything. But...haha...oh man, it was funny. That Seth Green is one funny guy. I think I might put him on The List. You know, The List, like from Friends. Everyone always makes fun of my list because it is usually full of old guys. Whatever. Christopher Walken will be on The List until the day he dies...and even then I might keep him on out of respect. He is just that awesome. And Jeff Goldblum isn't all that old anyways.

The reason I was gone for so long was because we were once again renovating. Then our basement flooded and we had more renos. And then I couldn't come up with anything funny to write. Sure my job at the office is full of...well..not excitement...or new people to make fun of...or...well...um...yeah.

But then I did something. Something different! I WENT OUT. Out! Out to something other than a restaurant or to Kyle and Rachel's or to a movie theater. I went to the seediest bar in town...and then followed that up with a trip to the nicest bar in town. It was a very strange night.

We started off at The Royal Albert Arms. This place is known for being a dive, but also for being a place to go to watch great bands, which is why we were there. But let me tell you: there were some interesting characters there, like the couple that was necking outside next to the door. I saw them inside later on in the night and whoa, that girl was a mess.

ME: (doing a voice-over of the drunken girl across the room) Oh wow...I'm sooo drunk! Ooops! The floor is wobbly! Mmm...your hair is pretty. Let me rest my face against your neck for a moment. Ugh...I feel ill. Oh look! Lookit my panties! You can't see them? Here, I'll lift my dress for you...oh, my arms are tired. I can't lift it all the way. I love you. What's your name again?

The royal Albert was full of characters. There was an old man who'd put on his very best 80's leather jacket over his t-shirt and jean capris just for the occasion, and grizzled bear of a man with long hippie hair that kept doing a strange kicking dance with arms flailing. That was just plain unnerving. I also saw three Bettie Pages, one Pete Wentz and a Jay who was missing his Silent Bob. The scariest part about that one was Jay was female. Kinda.

So our friends show, we watch the first band that we'd come down to see, the crowd at the stage thrash-dance and scream, some rounds are bought and the next thing we know we're walking over to another bar, The Empire. Now I just need to point out that I'd dressed for The Royal Albert which meant jeans and a cool t-shirt and some kicky heels. I'd never even been to this Empire place, but the sign at the door said, "Dress Code in Effect" and I was understandably nervous. Luckily the other girl in our group, James' girlfriend that I like to call Boomer, was wearing a little black dress and we were shooed right in.

It was like entering some kind of date-rape drug bar investigation scene from CSI: Miami. You know, the gorgeous place with tall ceilings  that has only attractive bartenders pouring fancy drinks to a room that is full of young, hot, beautiful rich people all moving to techno while some Latino girl does fancy dance moves on stage.  Old, fat, ugly rich men are kissing young, beautiful blondes with fake breasts and some Japanese Hard Gay guy is dancing with another Japanese girl and her friend. The Japanese girl has these ridiculous giant fake eyelashes her friend is wearing what can only be described as a one piece black bathingsuit and let's just say she was not pulling it off and leave it at that. Young girls in short dresses and high heels stumble by, holding their forehead and looking out of it while young jocks follow them.  All we needed was for Horatio to show up and start looking for evidence.

Then Rod turns to me and says, "Let's go downstairs, they have an Oxygen bar there." and I say, "Are you kidding me?" and he says, "No! They're flavoured, strawberry, blueberry..." and I just kinda look at him.  I can't see any downstairs but sure enough, Boomer leads the way down a hall to a stairway and I find myself in a beautiful room that is decorated like some rich guy's basement. It was small yet roomy, and intimate and inviting and yuppie and lame all rolled into one. There was a group of young kids dancing. One guy was wearing dresspants, dress shirt and a vest, with emo hair and eyeliner. Another beautiful girl with long dark hair was dressed in black pants and a small spaghetti-strap shirt that didn't go past her ribs. She held two laser lights in her hands and was doing some kid of arm-twirly dancing. It was quite trippy and rave-ish.

The oxygen bar was no longer there so we went back upstairs and stood by the stage and watched some serial killer guy in sweats stare at the dancefloor. I finally dragged Kevin out at 1:20. As we walked back to our car I said, "What the fuck just happened to the last five hours of my life??" and we died laughing.

Then I had Wendy's and it was awesome. Seriously, that was the best burger I have ever had in my entire life, so it was all worth it.

Robot Chicken does Star Wars and makes me laugh. Watch them all. Seriously awesome stuff, suckers!








I AM DYING.

 
The other night Kevin and I were watching TV...as we do pretty much every night. We are very exciting people. I was flipping the channels and came across the movie 'Youngblood" starring Rob Lowe, Cynthia Gibb, Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves in a tiny role as the french Canadian goalie.

KEV: Have you seen this movie?
ME: Yes, but it was a long time ago; I can barely remember anything.  I see Rob has returned home from playing hockey.
KEV: Yes, to the family farm.

The farm is colourless, depressing, rundown and full of dilapidated cars and trucks.

ME: What do they grow on this farm? Broken dreams?Junkyard cars? Cliches?
KEV: Youngblood's brother is angry with him.
ME: Let me guess..he used to play hockey and 'he could have made it' but then he got injured?
KEV: Yep.
ME: Is he going to give him the, "I'd do anything to play hockey and you walked away from it all" speech?
KEV: Yep.

*Angry, good looking farmer brother yells at Rob Lowe*

ME: How's he hurt?
KEV: He lost an eye.
ME: I see that they are so poor that they couldn't afford an eye that matches his original one.
KEV: He whittled it out of a potato.


I then laughed so hard I fell out of my chair. I am a simple sort.

Later, Youngblood goes to visit Patrick Swayze in the hospital. He's been hurt by the evil bully in the last game.

ME: Why is he shirtless in the hospital bed?
KEV: Maybe it is very cold in his room.
ME: "Oh, don't make me laugh, Youngblood..it hurts to laugh!"
(Patrick proceeds to laugh at something Rob says and winces, coughing gently)
ME: Heh heh.

The other night after dinner the family was arguing about who would get the extra leftover chocolate chocolate chip muffins. Kev, D1, B1 and B2 all had one already, but there were still 2 left over from he 6 pack I'd gotten from the store.

KEV: Well, there are 2 left so I get them.
ME: Um, no.
D1: Dad and I should get them!
ME: How is this fair? B1 and B2 will split one and D1 and Dad will split one. I'm low carbing anyways.
KEV: *mutters* I just would have bought 12 instead of 6.
ME: How would that have helped??? You still would have to share.
D1: *shouts*UM...12 divided by 4 equals 3!!! GOD!
ME: Ohhh. Right. SHUT UP.
KEV: That is such classic monkey. Classic.

And then they all shook their heads at me while I laughed and laughed until I cried and my stomach hurt.

THEN, last night Kev was on his laptop while we were watching TV. "Would you like the computer?" he asked nicely, handing it over. I said yes, eagerly and when I got it into my hands and looked at it THE EXORCIST WAS ON AND THE EVIL GIRL WAS SPINNING HER HEAD AND LOOKING AT ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN. F-ing YouTube! I was so freaked out that I screeched and closed the laptop and that made me extra sad because then we always lose the wireless for 15 minutes. But, you know what made the the saddest? Watching the evil girl spin her head and grin at me! Just thinking about it freaks me out.

Finally, today:

KEV: I sent you some emails. *hands me his laptop*
ME: Ohhhh! *pause* Wait...am I going to be frightened?
KEV: *laughs* No. Wait...maybe.
ME: Oh god.

It turned out to be three naked pictures of Chloe Sevigny. I despise her milksop fugly face so much. I'd love to make the joke that seeing her furry bunnyhole was scarier than the Devil but nothing is scarier than the Devil.

P.S. It was -40 this morning, without the windchill. LAME.

Listen up suckers! I've been reading you posting about how cold it is down there and all I can say is: WHATEVER.


This morning's temperature is -37...-34.6 for all you crazy Fahrenheit users. Only, see, the thing is, down here in Winnipeg we have this thing called the wind chill factor because the air is SO FREAKING COLD. This tells you the true temperature when the wind is blowing. The temperature with the wind chill? MINUS FORTY-EIGHT which is MINUS FIFTY-FOUR FAHRENHEIT. When D1 opened the door to go to work this morning the air rushed in and looked like a dry-ice effect for scary movies. It is crazy. So shut it, all you pussies!

Here's a funny tidbit for you:

Yesterday I walked in the house after helping Nanny and Grandpa run some errands (and that is a post all on its own) to be confronted with D1 smiling angelically at me and whining, "Mommmmmmm..." I gave her a frown and said? "What? What do you want? I'm pretty sure the answer is no; when you say Mom like that you always want something wrong."

I was right because the next words out of her mouth were, "What was the list of things I can't get pierced?"

Sigh. "Lips, bellybutton, nose, tongue..."

She then starts to try to convince me to let her pierce her lip. Um...no. When she's older maybe. Kevin gets freaked out when she starts asking these things, haha. She already has an industrial on her upper ear and she's stretched her first lobes so she can wear those spiral earrings and that's good for now.

Then I picked up B1 and B2 from a birthday party down at the bowling lanes. They were all hanging out in a small separate party room and everyone had their shirts/pant legs tied up in various ways because they all got henna tattoos done during the party. What a novel idea for a party! I will probably steal that idea for B & B's 13th this summer.

Anyhoos, B1 and B2 have their shirts knotted up around their ribs, showing off their midriffs.

"Look Mom, look!" B1 says and shows me the cute little cartoony puppy she had done on the side of the stomach. Very nice.

"Look at mine!" B2 says and turns around to reveal a large floral pattern...

"The small of your back!?" I exclaim. Yikes. I wanted to follow it up with the Vince Vaughn quote, "...might as well be a bullseye" but I refrained. She's ONLY 12! Isn't this a little...mature? I think that is the end of my horror, but no, there's more.

"Look Mom! Look what it says!"

I peer closer to see the name, "Tyler" in flowy script underneath some flowers.

"Tyler? You put your boyfriend's name on your back?" I grinned. "I'll be in the car."

And then I ran downstairs to tell Kevin, who promptly called his Dad to cry.

I woke up today with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. The song went like this:

"Oh mr. monkeybottoms
you are so awesome
Your braces are coming off today
as long as you can convince
the receptionist you will
paaaaaay themmmmm"

Ok, so it's a crappy song. This is why I am working in an office and not going on a world wide tour.

At 9 AM I made the phone call to the Hippie Orthodontist and sweet-talked them into letting still make the normal payments instead of the full amount. And by sweet-talk, I mean:

ME: Hey, I don't have $800
THEM: Okay

That was pretty easy.

As I sat and waited in the waiting room I wondered what kind of celebratory gift they were going to give me. When poshcat got her braces off they gave her a bottle of champagne, so I was thinking it would be good.

Here were the three 'gifts' i got to choose from:

1. A travel mug
2. A water bottle
3. something even crappier that I can't even remember because it is so crappy

I chose the travel mug. Where is my champagne?! I just gave you $5,000 and you give ME a friggin travel mug?? It's not even a good one, it's tiny. When I drink coffee, I like to drink coffee. Same goes for champagne, of which I have NONE.

Ah well, the Hippie Orthodontist hugged me because he thought my teeth were so pretty. AND THEY ARE! I love them! So smooth and braces-free! On the down side the retainers now look like clear plastic hockey mouthguards which are very awkward feeling.  I have to wear them full time for 6 months, and I immediately can't talk without lisping. Great. This reminds me of something...OH YEAH!! MY BRACES!!

I'm sure I'll get used to them, but if I wanted to wear clear plastic mouthguards I'd play hockey, and I don't play hockey solely because I don't like wearing clear plastic hockey mouthguards. That, and I can't skate for more than 5 minutes without complaining that my ankles hurt. And I hate the cold. And I am a terrible skater that hates the cold. I am a bad Canadian. To make up for this I am going to go chug some maple syrup.

Hey, remember when I got my braces on and I was all sad and stuff because my teeth felt huge and they hurt and I lisped and I looked stupid? Well, tomorrow I get them off! Whoot! No more stupid elastics, no more stupid trying to floss, no more stupid little pieces of plastic wedged in the wires to turn my teeth, making it look like I always have a piece of food in my braces…no more stupid braces! Yay!

On the down side, no more looking like a schoolgirl. Boys like the braces. I’ve had a few guys say this to me, that they find braces hot. Guys are odd and very naughty. Then again, they said that to me when I had my hair in pigtails and was wearing a plaid skirt and eating a lollypop. Ha! I kid! You can’t eat lollypops when you have braces.

Two week ago I took B1 to the dentist because one of her fillings had fallen out of her molar. Luckily it was a babytooth. I was also scheduled to see the dentist because I had developed a very painful tooth and wanted them to look at it. After X-rays and prodding my dentist told me what I had feared-I needed a root canal.

"BUT I GET MY BRACES OFF IN TWO WEEKS!” I shouted, as if that meant anything.

The nurse and dentist kept peering into my mouth. “That tooth looks so good too,” the nurse said, sympathetically. “It’s such a shame.”

The Dr. Dentist agreed. Yeah yeah, whatever. “How much is this going to cost me?” I asked. Dr. Dentist paused delicately. “About $700.”

 I frowned.

After that we went to check up on B1. Dr. Dentist said, “We need to pull the tooth that the filling fell out of ($80). It’s cracked in two. Also, we need to pull this tooth, ($80) it is blocking the new tooth coming through. Oh, and B1 will definitely need braces, you should look into that right away.”

Then I fell to my knees, tore out chunks of my hair, raised my fists to the air and screamed, “WHY DO YOU SMITE ME O LORD!!!!!” while little dollar bills with wings flew away from my head, just like in the cartoons. It wasn’t really a surprise that she needed the braces because last year she had two teeth growing out of the side of her head. Ok ok, not the side of her head, but actually the front of her gums. It was alarming and I’d asked Dr. Dentist if this was going to bite me on the ass financially but he’d told me we’d have to wait and see when the baby teeth fell out and the adult teeth started to move down. Well, I guess the answer to my question is YES SHE NEEDS BRACES and I need to win the lottery. Maybe when they take the braces off Daughter #1 they can just smack them right on B1. If B2 needs braces I am going to throw myself out the dentist office's window. I won't fall far, seeing as it is ground level, but I think my point will come across nicely.

When I got back to work later that day my boss asked me how it went. “Worst visit to the doctor ever!” I shouted. He didn’t ask me anything else for the rest of the day. I think my weeping and giant bald spots from all the hair rending scared him.

Two days later I went to the specialist for the root canal. He did a lot of tests and looked confused, probably because the tests proved that I was a Cylon. Ironically, my tooth didn’t hurt at all, even when he put the dry ice tube on it. This was odd because the day before I couldn’t even drink lukewarm water without it throbbing. He concluded that I might not need the root canal after all, and advised me to return in two weeks after the braces were removed for a new X-ray, to see if the swelling was down. Whatever. I took my $700 and ran. I was so happy that I didn’t even care when I slipped on ice and fell down in the snow like a big loser. I just yelled, “Haha, suck it, root canal!” which startled the homeless guy walking by me.

On Friday I got a letter from my Hippie Orthodontist. It said, "Just a friendly reminder, your braces must be paid in full before removal!"

I still owe $800.

Do I look like I have $800 laying around? Just to be sure, I looked under the throw rug in the living room. Nope, no extra hundreds laying THERE. Hello? I seem to recall something called a 'payment plan' that we agreed on. The payment plan doesn't really work if you sudenly leap out of the bushes and scream, "Oh, by the way, pay the remainder RIGHT NOW!!!" I tell you what, I am getting those braces off tomorrow if I have to do it myself. And I will. I'm sure I have a pair of pliers somewhere in my house.

On the plus side, at least we have insurance for B1. Thanks for nothing, Jesus!

Also, my font seems to keep changing.

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice and posted comments to goov9 at YouTube. She has taken down the videos. I never heard from her, except for the comment she left on my account:

" omg, get a life and stop harassing me! its not like im selling the vids to a movie company or something"

Ah yes. I messaged her and told her that I would report her to stop_plagiarism today if the vids were still up. I guess that worked because the vids are down now. Thank god! They annoyed me. I know that it is a slippery slope complaining that someone stole my work when I am using someone else's show to make the vids, but there is a difference.

Besides, she took my funny idea! And used my clips and my words, only she un-funnied them. *tear*

Well, now that that is over and done with I guess I can go back to eating McDonalds and watching free internet trannie porn. Life is sweeeet.

Hey, anyone remember my video 'O Fortuna'? The one where I talk about the Scoobies with freeze frames of them and make the little descriptions about them and it was funny and stuff? Well, someone took my idea and my video and totally re-did it, using MY clips and MY idea. Yes, I know I just said that but WTF? She also uses a few moments of my YMCA video.

Of course my site is down right now so I can't link to my videos. I'm pretty sure I am a reliable person and you all can believe me on this. hahaha. Or...maybe I am jealous of some girl's incredibly poor videos. Maybe THAT is it. Hmmm.

Check it out. You can see tons of my sequences in there, but since most people wouldn't be able to pick them out like I can (obviously) you can also actually see flashes of my original descriptions too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AakjCgrCk-M

It bugs me a lot. I could probably get over her using FULL MINUTES of my videos-uncut, I'm talking a complete minute of my YMCA video in one of her vids-but the stealing my idea, using my clips and re-wording my jokes pisses me off.

For example, I wrote, "Xander. Regular guy. Caught a funny case of syphillis."
She wrote, "Xander. Basic average Joe. Demon magnet. Once had a funny case of syphillis."

I wrote, "Tara. Wicca lesbian with a heat of gold."
She wrote, "Tara. Wicca. Can turn a girl lesbian. Heart of gold."

I wrote, "Angel. Moody broody vampire with a soul."
She wrote, "Angel. Vampire with a soul. Brooding/sexy. Sex with Buffy turns him evil."

I could go on and on but you get the point. The point is: WEAK, goov9! Seriously. Dude, come ON. She used clips from my videos Setting Sun, YMCA, and Spiderman. I don't think she used any from Hell, but I watched so many of hers that I just can't remember. I'm pretty sure she used Hungry Like the Wolf too. Yes, she did.

So I left her comments on every video she used my clips in, which was almost all her videos. She ended up deleting most comments and blocking me, so I used my other Youtube signin name. Ha. You will never stop me from telling it like it is! I also left her 3 or 4 messages on her Youtube account. Feel free to comment on these two videos in particular, the first vid she called, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer for Dummies' and her 'Extended Version' where she just takes more clips and ideas from me because people complained she didn't put in Angel in her shorter version. Never fear! *I* put him in mine so all she had to do was go STEAL MY FUNNY IDEAS. Bah!

Shorter version here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Io4vEnP6V4E&mode=related&search=

She uses my videos here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLuULncr0Rc

And here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQO7vkd9gXc

And here! For a Spike/Wilow vid!!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_JLuCr9goE

Aaaand here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPCcGf7HDCw

And here...this one is priceless because she takes the complete last minute of YMCA and uses it as HER last minute. Hahaha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQec1rKYu4A

And. Here. She uses a large piece of my Spike as Spiderman video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toTJ7Y5ZKVE

And in this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxUjdHG5r6s

And here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKYY185tjoc

And here! The OTHER extended version of my idea. God, this is getting boring now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqn-qXGVjSQ

Another vid with my clips:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CP3sVfw7nbQ

Ok. I'm done. I don't even care if she has YET ANOTHER vid made up of my stuff I'm going to bed.




What else do you recommend? BTW, she also uses another vidder a lot, but I don't know who it is. The clips all have a watermark that looks like a capital E and small r, but flowy and script-like. Anyone know who that might be?