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[08 Jun 2005|01:36am] |
It's late. John should be back soon. I'm tired. I feel old today. Not really old, just older. But younger somehow. It's like I am thirty or something. yesh.
I think that I will have a beer or take a shower. Flip a coin for me eh?
I could have gone dancin' I guess.
hah.
ugg.
I'm a lame ass tonight.
yup.
Okay.
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| No subject such gulash |
[03 Jun 2005|07:41pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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I had a dream about people I know last night. Some new friends and john too... we ran away from something to find shelter- we ended up in some large castle like dwelling- but without the castle. Also I dreamed of this girl I know. She had new tatoos all over her body, her face- a bold, bold thing with bold big colors. Oddly enough it seemed to have instilled in her what she lacks. She was more self assured and happy then I have ever seen her in life. This brings me to tears nearly- as her smile in my dreams was most bright and beautiful- like a siren or an angel. I'm not sure if she will ever be this way in life.
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Marci-do not think badly of me for not coming over tonight. I might not be the best of company. I'm a little tired. What are you doing tomorrow? (I have tomorrow off)
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It gets a little foggy from here
when looking back
I look forward and I become blind
coming at me from all sides
I dream of knowing what I ought
instead wishes of life errupt
and from them a realization
of only myself
I am most happy
living in the moment.
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[02 Jun 2005|08:35pm] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
] |
The days are starting to blur. My petite vacation is almost over. Soon there will be no more fun and much more studies. I also have much to get acomplished before I enter nursing school; shots (to no end), drug test (7pt, includes alcohol), physical exam, background check, ordering books and uniform and this expensive thing called a "nursing kit". Already have the CPR done and some books ordered at least- along with my very flashy ORANGE stethescope(My god, what was I thinking??). It's going to be quite a summer let me tell you. I'm excited and yet I feel very antsy- it's just that there are so many things and I am starting to feel a bit overwelmed. Not too terribly-just so much that I feel like I need to get my act together and just DO IT ALL RIGHT NOW.... Everything is just so damn expensive as well. I need to apply for financial aid me thinks. It's like I've got the so called "prewedding jitters" without the wedding. Ugg...
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[31 May 2005|10:40am] |
It's my birthday!!
yay!!
??????
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[29 May 2005|09:04pm] |
Straight A's are yay
blooming headdaches in the sun
too busy weekend with nothing done
going to a party
soon
Yeah. My posts have been a lot of random nonsense lately, eh?
...Marci- you never called me back! :(
how was the looking?
I am hungry, and I haven't been eating all that well the last couple of ddays. see? hand stutter.
ugg... guess I will do some dishes, make food, work on painting, and go and buy some beer.
tomorrow perhaps the beach? con claire, si?
ugg... this week was not that fun.
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| Can't Sleep |
[26 May 2005|02:37am] |
Sleep is a passing
or undoing of us
reality visited erased?
A natural state unlike reality
our dreams we make
we live there
almost as often as here
our shallow time
before we awake in the deep.
Dismemberment tonight
parting of waves
sorrow lifts us
and parts our hair
steady your chin now
rest it upon my head
can't take back these
which are in my head
unsaid unsaid repeating.
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[25 May 2005|02:55am] |
Im addicted to numbers not letters
on a not so quite drunken night
bat filled cat filled quiet
music fills my ears
laughter sex talk unbashful bachelors
that rooftop oranges sits on
cant you
with all the things that I forgot
were there's
and all that is left
is a red rubber ball.
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[19 May 2005|10:21pm] |
I got into nursing school!!!!! :)))))
also... two classes are A's and two classes to go!!! :)
P.S. I am fine. The last poem was not about john. I am upset at someone. un situation complicado.
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[19 May 2005|11:24am] |
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mood |
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 serious |
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Do you derive
some kind of sick p-leasure
in your works?
By works i me-an
the lies
you tell to everyone.
A-re you caught in
these untruths too?
Or perhaps you
in your immat-urity
and youth
think that life is a game
and you will be the winner?
Bringing te-ars to
girls eyes
and stealing from
your so called fr-iends
does not win you any points
in my book.
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[15 May 2005|10:12pm] |
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I stole this kirsey quiz link and as always I am an ( INTP )
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| Sagitarius rising is the sign that says stop. |
[15 May 2005|12:54am] |
A tense feeling is dissapated through an infusion of one part internet, one part chattering drunk boyfriend, and one part beer. Every part being equal every part is 33.33333333...(and on to infinity) percent. This means that there is a .000000000...1. Where is it? Lost? I don't understand and math doesn't make sense and my boyfriend is talking about turning my rivers of thought into lakes. God, I hate lakes. Stagnant water is never a good sign, however it's underground flow.
A bad thing happened at work today. Part of the reason that I think beer is the answer for todays problems, math and otherwise. Bad, bad thing. I might start to cry If i think of it again, however, the beer is making me pleasantly numb. Studing is a fad of the human race societal. Overhearing others talk, as I often do at coffee( as with this evening) I as often as that butt into the conversation with interesting tidbits of funk. (this eve it was the "religion gene") (look it up on "TIME" websight re:more info.) Is it rude to but in, however interesting stuff I add? I want to talk to everyone when I have something to say... just like people call me shy and quiet when I have nothing to contribute.
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| My making soup song |
[12 May 2005|01:53pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
] |
I am making onion soup
la-la-la-la-la
my ears are tearing my eyes droop
la-la-la-la-la
it's so fun and recreational
la-la-la-la-la
to make this soup sensational!
WWHHHHOOooooohhhhh!!!
la-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la-la
In about three hours it will rest
la-la-la-la-la
in my tummy, It's for the best
la-la-la-la-la
with salt and pepper and GAR-r-lick!
la-la-la-la-la
you'll eat so much that you'll get sick!
WWHHHOOooooohhhhh!
La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......
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[05 May 2005|11:22pm] |
Okay. Maybe not goodnight. Maybe just another journal entry.
I have been thinking a lot lately about many things. Some abstract (time, math, emotions/feelings, randomness of life, etc.) and some concrete (health, life, school, work, living, etc.)
It all just fits together in some modge podge way that confounds me. The more of the puzzle I see the less I can believe, trust, or enjoy. It just gets so old... or perhaps I am tired.
Our lives are so busy that we can't take the time to figure out what is really going on any more. Playtime is something that is not pictured in the american dream (lowercase for a reason). I try to keep a heart about things- and I succeed- somewhat. There is only so much that is still feels pure and untouched by the cynical pressures of life. I want to run away and not be a part of it all. I want to live without letting the world inhibit me and yet I live life by the book day to day. So many people have said this before me and so many will after. It's hard to rip oneself from the clutches of societies expectations, throw caution to the winds, and just live. Unfortunately for me I surmise that this would eventually lead to a drug addiction, incarceration, or an untimely death. I want so many things that I would say that I am greedy, and yet, I hold no goals. In order to be greedy there must be some obsessive red beacon ringing through your head or some lusty siren singing alluring songs about money, cars, and a fabulously racy sex life. Life is so full of wonderful things to experience and I just think about the ones that I am missing instead of really truly valuing the ones that I have. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy them... perhaps I will never be satisfied- a proverbial forever empty loud and grumbling stomach. Going down a slow drain watching the sand slide past bit by bit I wait wondering when I will stand up and face my inner wants. Right now I do what I do (as in school) because a) I am bored without stimulation and b) it makes my family and society happy to have another productive member c)I am learning a skill that is fucking important. P.S. John is the man of my heart.
I think that is all for tonight. I really hope that people don't really read these long monotonous posts.
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| Drunk John Drunk |
[05 May 2005|11:15pm] |
Just picked up my John. He is stinking drunk.
He is in the bathroom.
Enough said.
Read The Bell Jar. Thanks Skip!
It was very good.
Do we all feel this way? Trapped?
I do. Sometimes. Usually too busy to think.
I'm going to bed.
yup.
'night.
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[25 Apr 2005|03:12pm] |
replace my teeth with hard yellow corn
caramel will affix them
until the sweetness rots me
that is how i will injest my carbs.
ran over a man in black clothing and long hair today
almost
as I was searching for lushness
I can't stand any more of this city trendy shit
like a rat in a maze searching for water
I drove without stopping
contemplated
oceans and redwoods, driving
little houses hidden away
city shows its like it's tits
will make it money
Everyone with no space so I walked to the park
better still sunlight on grass
warmth through trees
breathing still laborous
can't breathe
but this city feeds me
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| Slowly sunday |
[24 Apr 2005|09:20pm] |
Warm nuts by external hardrive side
fresh strawberries kelle purchaced for me :)
mathbook and pencil, calculator
mathbook is two words but its only one
thinking about the infinite
c
shaped
ness
that shane would laugh at me for thinking of
but probably dosent connect the dots
connect me a telephone
so I can dial up outta here
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[23 Apr 2005|08:36am] |
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mood |
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watchfull |
] |
Another dream that I wasn't myself. Woke up dry crying. No more tears left? Part of a university study there were thousands of us. Ranging from two years of age to perhaps mid teens. It was claimed that they would give us our masters if we already had our bachelors and our bachelors if we had nada. Perhaps I was too young to understand the true reward- perhaps they were to pay for our classes. The study’s reason is fading in my mind but it was a disaster. Think lord of the flies. Whatever that book is called. Only there were thousands in lockdown in an old school. Constant fights, constant beatings from those older and tougher. Kids were killed by other kids. Children were raped in the common room with other children pretending to sleep. Was this what they were studying? Despite the plans that our young brains were told of my adult brain in the wake says that no pitiful reason for such a test that would keep us all locked up for some time has anything to do with anything but a test of culture in the young. Perhaps our parents were fated to die some how and the government decided to test on how well we would survive. All of us frightened. All of us felt alone. We had stopped crying out for our mommies long before the experiment had ended. There were camera’s everywhere but we stopped noticing that they were there after they stopped answering our pleas for help. I was jealous of the little ones. The two year olds would probably forget if they made it out alive. I think I was nine or so. Brown hair. I was smart enough to stay away from the older kids and I spent much of my time hiding. I was always scared, always hungry. I remember someone told me that there was a movie playing in the common room but I was afraid to go even though a movie would be such sweetness. I was taking care of a little blond two year old girl- and I was afraid that if they saw her they would take her away with lures of candy and otros cosas. She was starting to feel like family. I made it out though, and on with my life.
I wish I could remember more. Very vivid dream. School was quite dilapidated looking- not really the place where you would compound a couple thousand kids and set them free. Dangerous. It was grayish blue and that tan cement block color. Paint peeling. I guess whatever they could pick up cheap.
Was this dream reminding me that my life could be worse than the fears that overcome me?
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[19 Apr 2005|08:39pm] |
Sunny days are good days for skirts and sandals. Now that my sinuses are clear, I can smell again. I didn't remember the world smelling so bad. It's a mixed blessing.
However, I wouldn't trade my newfound sense of smell for anything in the world due to:
-the smell of greenness (plants, leaves, ivy, trees...it all smells so good!)
-Wet pavement in the summertime
-The smell of rain (I can't wait)
-Popscicles, flowers, oranges, funny waxy smell of apples...
hahaha so many!
P.S. walking home from shopping
feeling up the liverwurst
in the bottom of the bag.
P.P.S. Theories about time remind me of theories about god. hrm.
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[17 Apr 2005|11:14am] |
-I love allergy medication.
I can breathe IN through my nose and feel the air take up all the little spaces in my sinuses. Then I can breathe all the little air OUT my nose without making that annoying "I'm a 350 lb man" wheezing sound. YAY! I feel better- and so far I haven't had any side effects...
-People are people.
-Thank you for the books Skip! :) I will put them to good use.
-Work is making me have no time for homework, but it will make my paycheck larger. Is it worth it? Probably not. ugg.
-I need to cut my hair soon. Summertime is approaching. . .
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