hello everybody... i know i warned you that i'd be MIA over the past few weeks, but i just wanted to let you know that i'm alive and... uh, not exactly well, but coping.

things in my life have been absolutely hectic these past, hmm, three weeks? yes, much of it is the job. in case you missed my last post, i got a job at the central america headquarters for nestle. i'm working in quality control. so far it's been good, i'm mostly still training so i don't have all the weight of the stress that all my co-workers keep talking about. on my second week in, everybody in my department had to fly to venezuela (nestle bought gerber, and so they have to map all the gerber factories and such, and there's one in venezuela) and left me here all by my lonesome, without any internet access and with nothing to do but read intruction manuals. i nearly went crazy, let me tell you. the coke machine wouldn't even take my stupid dollars, so i had to drink coffee, which i generally don't like ('cause of course, there's no cafeteria there, but of course there's a coffee machine in every corner... *sigh*). i did like the vanilla latte, though (hehe, because it's more milk than coffee), so if you get the chance, have a taste of the nescafé vanilla latte. it's good.

but what mostly took up my time was my grandfather's health. near the end of june he developed a hard cold-- fever, chills, weakness... the phlegm wouldn't let him breathe properly. he couldn't go to work for about a week. that weekend, my grandma started to get worried because he wasn't getting better, and so they called an uncle of mine, who's a doctor. he ordered a chest x-ray to see what was wrong. as soon as he saw the results, he told us grandpa shoud be admitted to a hospital, because the x-ray wasn't looking good at all. turns out, it wasn't just a cold, but pneumonia... the infection was covering pretty much the whole of both his lungs.

so we took him to the hospital (after much grumbling on his part), originally for about 72 days, just so they could take a sample, test to check which bacteria it was, and give him antibiotics. this was on a saturday, june 28th if i'm not mistaken. they had him on broad-spectrum for a while, and then after the results came in, they changed them to the specific ones. initially, they found a variation of klebsiella pneumoniae. the antibiotics managed to control it... by tuesday he was feeling much better, though they still had him on oxygen because he was a bit too weak to breathe deeply. he hadn't eaten anything since he got sick (long story short, during the 80's he had upper laringeal cancer, and the radiotherapy affected his salival glands; he couldn't produce saliva, and so he needed a lot of water and time to eat regularly. with all the phlegm, he just couldn't swallow properly, so he didn't eat). the IV wasn't quite enough to give him his usual strength.

but he started to decline again. the bacterial cultures kept on going and a couple of days later it turned out that, while the klebsiella was taken down by the antibiotics, a second bacteria was also present, a slower but harsher one, the pseudomonas aeruginosa. so they had to switch his antibiotics for different ones, and give him stronger dosages, in order to attack the second bacteria. so many drugs in such a little time is never good on a weakened body, i guess. they had to insert a nourishment tube through his nose to give him some of that ensure meal replacement.

that sunday, while they were changing his IV, he had a heart attack. they had to move him immediately to the ICU.

they managed to stabilize him, though i couldn't see him as much since i was working and visits were more restricted. the antibiotics started taking down the pseudomonas but then a second strain of it, a more resistant strain, appeared. again, they had to switch antibiotics. it took a while longer, almost a week, but it started working. by saturday and sunday, he was actually looking much better, there was color to him and he was a lot stronger. his lungs were oxygenating to nearly 80%. when we went in to see him, he'd squeeze our hand, and nod his head, and he recognized everybody-- even started winking at every girl that went in. we were all feeling very good about it, and the doctor said that if this continued, he would be moved back to a private room again, though they were debating whether they should perform a tracheotomy to ensure oxygenation.

grandpa died on monday.

i don't really know why and i haven't asked, but he went through respiratory arrest... they tried to get him to stabilize, but he just couldn't resist, he was too weak.

it's been a terrible blow to all of my family, as you can imagine. mostly because we weren't expecting it at all, like i said he was doing better... it was a complete surprise. i don't think any of us had even thought of the possibility during those last few days. after all, it all started with a "cold"... *sigh* my grandma is completely devastated. she's being as strong as she can, but it gets to her, just being in that house, seeing all his things... my mom as well, she's taking it really hard, though i know that she's trying to hold herself together for us. my brother took it the hardest, i think; i'm sure he hadn't thought the infection was that severe. him and grandpa were always arguing about something-- whether it was about my brother cutting his hair, or procrastinating while he had to study, or not doing chores-- but anyone could see they loved each other very much, despite all the bickering. and he's also feeling very guilty because he never went in to see grandpa while he was in ICU-- said he couldn't stand to see him with all those tubes and connected to those machines. and now he's very angry at himself for that, but i'm sure he'll be fine with a little time.

my uncle (my mom's brother) is trying to hold it together... he was the one who was at the hospital the whole time, slept at the ICU and everything, and he was the last one to see grandpa. he's the one that's telling us all to move, to take the good things and start to move on. my younger cousins are destroyed. well, the youngest one, he's only nine-- he cried when they told him, and at the funeral, but i think that was mostly due to seeing everybody around him so sad. he doesn't really understand what's going on. he's been most like his usual self, making us laugh with his antics when we need it the most, even if he doesn't realize he's doing so. his sister, though, she's thirteen and she really took it hard, too. like my brother, i don't think she had even thought of the possibility of grandpa not being here someday.

as for me, well... obviously it hit me very hard. i think mostly because out of everyone in my family, i'm the only one that really has an inkling of what respiratory arrest feels like. i pray to god that he lost consciousness early on, because i never would've wanted him to go through something so agonizing. i'm not about to ask, though. no need to open that can of worms in front of my famil.

add to that the fact that i was his oldest grandchild, and as such i spent the most time with him. we were very close, i absolutely adored him; he was like a second father to me, sometimes even a first during those times my dad couldn't be around. he was the best person i've ever known; i learned all i know about integrity, responsability and honor from him, and if i can even be half as good as he was, i'd be happy. he was also the strongest person i know; he got through all kinds of tribulations, he beat cancer, and he did it all still keeping his good humor and zest for life intact. in fact, see, his father (my great-grandfather) died at 103 years old, so we often joked that grandpa would live to see us all be buried. he had the biggest heart you could ever find, he found friends anywhere, was always willing to help anyone who needed it, within reason. he always taught me to do what i thought was right, and to fight hard so i could achieve whatever i set my mind to, in order to be happy. he was always so proud of me, of us.

if you've been my friend long enough, you probably know i'm generally uncomfortable in emotional situations. of course i cried when i found out, and intermittently since, but once the shock wore out i've been trying to keep the tears at bay, mostly to be strong for grandma, mom and the rest. especially for my brother and my cousins, since they're so young and they need physical support. they were all so broken yesterday, during the funeral. so yeah, i know a few of my aunts are a bit troubled by the fact that i don't just start bawling outright, but i don't mind.

can't hold it all in, though-- the day he died, grandma asked me to write the obituary, because we were in a rush to get it to the newspaper so it could be published the next day. grandpa always encouraged my writing. needless to say, it was the one thing i never wanted to write, but i did it anyway, because if i hadn't, they would have used some pre-written template and i didn't like how generic they were; grandpa wasn't generic, he was unique. so i wrote it... remained pretty calm through it and i was happy with the way it came out. then that day, around dinner time, i couldn't hold it in anymore and i just rushed to the bathroom and vomited what little i had in my stomach. afterwards i drank some ginger-ale (my "miracle cure for every ache") to settle my stomach, but out it came. again, and again. in total i think i threw up about four times. i know everybody was worried about me and i hated it, but i couldn't help it. in the end one of my uncles prescribed me some sulcralfate and that helped. by next morning i was feeling much better. mom says we all just deal with the pain in different ways, and maybe that was just the way the shock affected me.

i don't know, really. i guess we'll all cope somehow, gotta move on. never forget, of course, but move on. i don't think it's quite sunk in yet, the fact that he just won't be around anymore, but it'll settle sometime soon, i think. you may have seen me pitter-pattering around my usual haunts, knee-deep in the fandom and fangirling as per usual like nothing happened and everything is sunshine and rainbows. because, let's face it, never let it be said that i'm not the queen of avoidance. but as unhealthy as it sounds, it's just my personal way to deal with things, and i'll probably still do it in the upcoming days, because being online, reading your posts and emails, watching your videos and reviewing your fanfics makes me feel so much better already. so thank you, guys, for all the help you've given me even if you didn't know it.

as it is, i can't help but be somewhat content, because i know that whatever happens here, he's up there with god, having a grand old time with all his old friends, though he'll be bummed that he missed the MLB all-star game. he loved that. he's probably teasing and joking with the angels. bet he's driving them crazy, as he did us ;) if someone on this earth deserves heaven, it's him.

this weekend we're traveling to chitre (my hometown) to take the second half of his ashes to be buried in his family crypt, with my great-grandpa and great-grandma. he was born, grew up, got married in chitre, and has many friends there, so it's only fitting that part of him be there, too. so don't expect to hear from me over the weekend, we have no internet connection there.

he died on bastille day. i know, i sound horrible for even making the connection right now, but i'm sure he would have found it interesting.

rest in peace, grandpa. i love you, and i'll miss you. until we meet again.

the narnia fandom depresses me. why? well, everybody updates their fanfics so quickly... it makes me feel insanely guilty ^^;;; here's a little bit more of that, coming your way. (i'm on a narnia kick, it seems. lol, coffeedrops, run away now before i end up unintentionally converting you-- it's been known to happen xDD)


PERSPECTIVES
a chronicles of narnia fanfic
rating: PG.
genre: general. you may see some humor, if you're so inclined. and I guess heavily implied romance.
pairings: caspian/susan.

disclaimer: i don't own the chronicles of narnia, C.S. lewis and his representatives do. and it makes me very sad, because i'd love to have peter to myself xD

warnings: movieverse after prince caspian. pretty direct mentions of caspian/susan.

summary: "i guess we're going to have this conversation now, aren't we?" peter and caspian have a man-to-man talk before the pevensies learn they have to leave. my take on the big brother warning. missing scene from the prince caspian movie. caspian/susan.

@ FF.NET_ HERE.


and if you happen to be a caspian/susan fan (i don't think there are many of those in my f-list), make sure you join the caspianandsusan.com forum! i made the header, and i'm also a mod. told ya i'm on a narnia kick ;)

i finally had the chance to watch peter jackson's version of king kong... yeah, sucky movie. but it's a sucky movie that has adrien brody in it, so i didn't really mind =P one thing i have to say, though, is that i find it hilarious that naomi watts has all the chemistry in the world with brody, but none whatsoever with the ape. ironic, isn't it?

most of my PHP applications seem not to be working anymore. i can't add quotes through PHP quotes and they don't appear on the website either. and i can't add stories to my fic recommendations. i can only do these two things by inserting the entries directly onto the database, but having to use PHPmyadmin is just such a bother... *groan* if anybody could help me out with this, i'd be forever grateful. i swear i didn't touch anything!

panama lost against el salvador >.< bye bye, 2010 world cup. now, you guys know that i don't have a problem with admitting when my teams suck (heh, just ask the yankees xD), i try my best to be objective when it comes to that. but this time? no. just NO. we were ROBBED. *shakes head*


LOS QUIERO, EQUIPO!
you're still kinda sucky, but this one wasn't your fault.
oh, and i got a twitter! just for those random one-liners that pop into my head between posts, so i don't clog up my entries with 10000 topics and make you feel confused about what to comment on ^^;;; feel free to add me over there. there's also a little widget for it on my sidebar, though it's scrunched over because my sidebar is just too thin.

i got a job! ^___^ or so it seems. the pay is crap, but at least i'll be doing something... i start on tuesday, so i'll probably be even more MIA than i normally am during the next few weeks. i'll try my best to give my f-list a read over the weekend.

well, au revoir, france =( not that it wasn't deserved. like i said, one year they're gods and the next one they're... well, something. c'est la vie, mes amis =/ j'espère que franckie est bien, maintenant. he seemed to be really in pain, that sucks.

at least i hope this is the push they needed to finally kick domenech out of there.

but i didn't want italy to pass to the next round! ;_;

this story is so, SO much longer than its word count... or at least it felt that way to me, as i wrote it. it was quite the task, style-wise. i practically lived on thesaurus.com as i typed, and still feel it's too repetitive-- there are only so many ways to say "happiness." and there are way too many "smiles," though it's not my fault there isn't a word that means quite the same =/ i was sure i was pulling words out of my ass and was very surprised when the spellchecker didn't correct any of them ^^;;; i tried to get a better title but my music library was being useless. oh, and as always, crappy ending: y/y? >.<


DOESN'T HAVE TO
a chronicles of narnia fanfic
rating: pretty much PG.
genre: romance... pretty bittersweet, though. and mushy. sorry it's so mushy. somehow doomed love brings forth my (usually avoided like the plague) poetic side.
pairings: caspian/susan.

disclaimer: i don't own the chronicles of narnia, C.S. lewis and his representatives do... though if peter were ever to become available, let me know...

warnings: movieverse after prince caspian, though it does fit into book canon somewhat, i think. i mean, it doesn't contradict canon, as far as i know. spoilers for the whole series up to and especially for the last battle. and probably a teensy one for neil gaiman's the problem of susan.

summary: "they weren't meant to be now any more than they were in the past, but they were both here in the same place at the same time, and that was good enough for her." susan and caspian meet again, after the story of narnia is over. movieverse, but does fit into book canon.

@ FF.NET_ HERE.

re: france @ euro '08-- well, the dutch team IS on fire, so it wasn't a surprise. honestly? before the match started, i thought it'd be something like 4-0... i wasn't too far off. lol, half of real madrid is in the dutch team, scoring against france; i can't, in good conscience, be mad at them =P

the 2005 season of dr. who is airing on people & arts and i had no idea. you'd think they'd have ads to tell people about this stuff, right? *rolleyes* and i also caught an episode of torchwood. i didn't understand anything, of course, but it was nice to see a different side of jack.

fic rec!: lost chronicles of narnia: the beast of witherby (narnia, AU post-caspian, and very much caspian/susan but believe me, it's more plot-driven than just that). GO READ IT NOW!

it started out as a feeling which then grew into a hope,
which then turned into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word.

and then that word grew louder and louder 'til it was a battle cry.
i'll come back when you call me... no need to say goodbye.

--regina spektor, "the call."


that song is so perfect! D: i'm not even much of a fan of regina spektor, but as soon as i heard it on the movie it almost had me weeping, it's so beautiful.

surprise, surprise! another long post, full of lj-cuts ^^;;; i'm one in a million, i swear... feel free to skip stuff.


fanfiction update: ( from a narnia fanfic that i've just started... )

weather update: ( the rainy season has definitely started now! \o/ )

reading update: ( my to-read list, plus a bit about caballo de troya & narnia )

random celebs update: ( pete wentz & ashlee simpson, among others )

RL update: ( a couple days ago, there was an accident here in panama city... plus the mars phoenix... )

tv update: ( seven ages of rock, plus some CSI miami & NY... )


memes update: someone (i think it was heather) tagged me to do this handwritting meme a loooooong time ago. so here you go. big jpg, you've been warned.


sports update: ( euro 2008 & respect panama dammit! )


i'll be reading all your entries soon! i promise!