It's been a while since I have added anything to this. Everything is going along wonderfully. Life is has it's ups and downs still but I am happy and most importantly my daughter is happy.

Things with SG are amazing. It makes me wonder, what our first argument will be like and what will it be over? He has stayed over for the past three or four nights. Last night he walked in at 3:30am and crawled into bed with me. He had been out with a friend and was supposed to stay at his apartment but he said the chair was uncomfortable LOL. Chair? I didn't get all the details but he woke up and decided to come and sleep with me. Both of us have been working so he usually came over after he was done work later in the evening. It makes me feel good to have him here and I certainly don't mind him popping over. Not even the slightest. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But, it is nice to be on my own with the munchkin. I don't plan on living permanently with anyone for a long time.

He is looking at building a house early next year and during a conversation about it he said that by then we would probably be living together. I said, "ahh... I don't know..." and he made the comment that yes I was right, and he didn't want to rush things either. I don't want to move in with him like that. If I am going to live with someone there is going to have to be a ring on my finger first. I haven't really told him that yet but I will have to make sure that he knows. Not that I want to rush and get married or anythign silly, but just to let him know where I stand. I don't want to put my daughter through something like that again, let alone myself. I DO believe that marriage is "just a piece of paper", but in my situation it will be reassurance for myself that he is really sure of what he wants, and also, because of the munchkin. Mostly because of the munchkin. Also, because of the last situation I was in. I have decided not to go for the equity in the house because it would be time consuming and who knows the outcome. Lawyers fees etc, for what? 5-10k? Maybe? I am just going to let it go. If we had been married (thank the gods we weren't) I would automatically be entitled and I wouldn't have to prove that I deserved it.

Do I see myself marrying him? Indeed. Strange.

We are planning a vacation for November. A beautiful Cruise. He is actually gone tonight to book everything. This will be the first "real" vacation I have ever had. We are both excited about it, so much so that I wish it were Novemeber already. I still have to work out the monkey situation, but I am trying to convince her dad to book a week off work that week. He says he doesn't want to waste any vacation on taking one in Novemeber but he will still have two weeks of vacation left. There is no reason why he can't do this. We'll see. I have other options and as a last resort I can fly her to my moms.

He has talked about how a friend of his got married on a cruise and how he was thinking of us going to costa rica but he wanted to do something different with me, someplace and something he hasn't done before. We were going to go with one cruise line but after checking things out we went with another one geared more towards adults and less towards kids. It is understood that the first vacation is for the two of us but we both mentioned taking monkey somewhere in the future too.

He is a great guy and the thing that I watch for most right now is how he is with monkey. From the past I know what to watch out for, and not to overlook behaviour or attitude I don't particularly like. Don't just shrug it off. He has done remarkably well. (sounds like a test doesn't it? Well I guess in a way it is.) He brings over movies he thinks she will like. She is busy watching all of the star wars ones right now. He got her Harry Potter 2 which was the only one she was missing. For Valentines Day the three of us went out for dinner together and when he came to pick us up for our date, he had a bag of stuff for me and a smaller one for her. Her's was filled with kisses, hugs, chocolate hearts, a bear etc. It meant a lot. More than anything he could have ever done for me.

My mom wants to meet him and of course see monkey and me since it has been a year now, so, we are planning on meeting half way between our two houses and staying two nights during easter. Mom tells me to be careful. That she doesn't want me to get hurt again and I have reassured her that if something did happen between us and we split, or something happened that I felt I had to tell him it is over (which I would, there is no fooling around anymore), that I would be okay. I have sealed myself off in some way if it makes sense. I am happy with him or without him. My happiness will never again depend on any man. It's munchkin and myself first and foremost. At this point I certainly hope things keep going the way they are, I love him and would like to walk down that isle with him someday, but I am at the point where it wouldn't destroy me if things worked out differently.

SG phoned me last night at around 11:30. He was outside of Caesar's Palace and I could abrely hear him. He sounded weird, not like himself. Worried me a little. He said that they had had some problems or something but he wouldn't go into it. He said he would phone me tonight. And then we talked some more and then he said that he would talk to me when he got home on Wednesday. Strange indeed.

*shrugs* Whatever. Hope he is having fun. He said he didn't even see who won the game. Wasn't that the point of going down there? Well the main one anyways.

My table, chairs and hutch look awesome in my kitchen. The guy's did a good job. I owe those two. And the get together last night was enjoyable, although I don't think anyone actually watched the game. Back to work. I have to talk to my boss about leaving early tomorrow and Wednesday. Lawyer tomorrow and Wednesday munchkin has a doctor's appointment. Fun stuff.

Time spent with SG. Talking, cuddling, watching a movie, more cuddling, snoozing, off to bed to wake up to more talking. Sent him off for his vacation. He will be gone until Wednesday but said he would phone me tomorrow before the game begins.

Then:
Time spend with Munchkin. Swimming. Napping. Cuddling watching a movie.

I am blessed. Truly.

Phoned exinlaws and got munchkin to wish ehr grandpa a happy birthday. Talked to her dad and S and I are going to his friends house tomorrow for table and chairs which I am getting. Sweet! A place to eat besides the sofa! hehe

Life is good. I am content.

Tomorrows list:
wrestle with munchkin, laundry, groceries, make appetizers for get together, bring table and chairs home and off to S&M's for the game and socializing with others. Should be fun.

The home life is still wonderful. Though mucnhkin has been having blurry periods at school. Family doc advised me to take her to her eye doc, which I did and it turns out that yes she does need glasses for reading the board at school (no big deal) but that has nothing to do with the blurriness she has experienced a few times. So now, upon his advice, I am taking her back to her doc on Wednesday to have her tested for diabetes and migraines. He has suggested a specialist and he says that if my family doc won't authorize the referral then he will make some calls himself.

Please let my monkey be okay. I know that lots of people/kids live with that disease but I don't want her to have to. I wish I could be the one who has it and not her.

She doesn't seem to care about he glasses thing, she has always wanted a pair. Thing might change though and gods the child is always losing things. I will have to make sure hers has insurance on them. LOL Knowing my munchkin she will pick out florescent pink ones with purple stone set around the frame. Not with mommy there to help her pick out a pair though. I think I was only a few years older than her when I got my first pair of glasses (maybe even the same age) and my eyesight has stayed relatively the same up until this point.

SG's birthday is today and he stayed until after midnight last night so I got to wish him an actual happy birthday. We didn't end up doing anything special (well it was special to me but it was stuff we do all the time), though I had planned a surprise skating thing... he doesnt skate and though he wants to start he was nervous about doing it in front of a lot of people. Men hehe. He says he can skate but can't stop. LOL I told him I woud teach him since I know how to skate like a boy. Played hockey with the boys enough to know what I am doing. So we are going to do it another time. Last night we made dinner together, I had gotten him a cake and he absolutely loved the card and what I had written in it. I told him he spoiled his birthday surprise and that we would so something else maybe friday night for his birthday, my treat. We ended up cuddling on the sofa and watching a movie and talking.

A friend called and wanted me to go out with him and the boys last night. I passed stating it was BF's birthday but I think I will go with them next week. It will be fun to have a few drinks with the guys again, IF munchkins dad will be reliable enough to keep her for the night and have her at daycare no later than 7:30am the next day.. doubtful.

So tired. My body is used to getting at least 6 hours of sleep a day now. Last two nights it has been more like 3. Can't sleep for some reason.

My dad is still the same. He is in pain constantly and they have put him on steriods to increase his appetite and maybe lessen the pain. I told my stepmom to get her brother to get him some weed. She said he wouldn't smoke it if he had it. I asked her to get him to try it.. it will help deal with the pain a lot better than the morphine (which has been upped and doesn't seem to be working). I hate the thought of my dad being in pain all the time. She says even in his sleep he doesn't have peace now. I hate it. I wish I could see him.. be there for them. As it is when he dies I probably won't even make it home for the funeral. Even if I had the money to go home (which technically I may have enough for tickets for munchkin and I), I would be out of work and wouldn't have enough for my bills.. ie rent. I guess it doesn't matter so much if I miss the funeral, or it shouldn't. But I think it will be something I will always regret. Things seem to have a way of working themselves out lately. Maybe this will work itself out as well.

My brothers gf is doing well.. she is due June 13th. My brother said he thinks it is a boy. The doc won't tell them but brother says he thinks he seen something between the baby's legs when he was watching the ultrasound. LOL We'll see. I hope it is a boy (although healthy is what I am wishing for).. he will be my dads namesake. I also hope that dad is around to see his new grandbaby.

Making dinner.. munchkin is making some window sticker things. We went to the doctors and he didn't have to much to say about her. He advised me to take her to her eye docs and then report back to him teh results. If that doc couldn't find anything for the cause of the blurred vision then he will order cat scans and such to figure out what is going on. He asked if she has been having problems at school or anything traumatic lately nad I told him about our moving and she is in a new school etc. He said it could be a cause, stress. But that we would check into it. So she has an appointment to see her other doctor on Wednesday. I had some tests done today and have to go for blood work tomorrow, if I can get there. Nothing big just routine stuff I like to put myself through to make sure I am healthy. Sexually I have been careful with anyone I have been with but I have no doubts that the ex had cheated on me and I hadn't had any tests done in over a year. Something I do yearly "just in case". I am sure there is nothing but you never know.

Chicken should be about ready and I am starving.

It is SG's birthday this week and I don't know what to do. I can't really afford to get him anything with my fluctuating hours and work and everything. I want to do something.. just have no ideas. *sighs* It sucks but what can I do.

Munchkin and I went to the library on saturday. Something we used to love doing and had gotten out of. Had a bizarre encounter with a prostitute. Monkey had gotten a bloody nose for some reason so we rushed to the bathroom. The lady said hi to me all nice like and of course I say hi too. Monkey tells her about her bloody nose and I shrug and say it must be the air in here. She laughed and then asked me if I was a school teacher. I said.. ahh no... she said well you look like one. Then a few seconds later she said she didn't mean offense.. that it was a compliment. Thanks. Me in my meaness had the words: "Thanks, You look like a crack whore", come to mind. Terrible I know. Not that I was insulted. All the teachers I know are well dressed and nice looking. On the way home we take a street that is known for its streetwalkers. Guess who we see on a corner?

Anyways one of the books I got is called "Quicksand: one woman's escape from the husband who stalked her - a true story". While reading it I got shivers. Her first few years with her exH were very similar to what I dealt with with the ExB. I can see now that if I didn't get out when I did that it could very well have escalated to something a lot more harmful, both for myself and monkey. Ex never touched monkey, thank the gods, but who knows what would have happened in the future. I count my blessings after reading that book (yes I finished in within a few hours) The emotional abuse she described.... It made me read faster than normal, my heart pumping as my eyes quickly scanned the pages one after another. Terrifying. And something else I realized shortly after starting the book. This true story took place where I live.

SG and I went out on a date Saturday night. We went for dinner and a movie, which was nice and relaxing. We saw Hide and Seek. He made the comment about how I could pick the movie sometimes... and I said didn't I pick this one? We have the same taste in movies honey, be glad that we can pick a movie without one feeling let down. His ex and him could never agree on a movie. And if she didn't want to see something she wouldn't go. I think he has a lot of baggage from that relationship, same as I do. Anyways the movie was wonderful, thoroughly enjoyed it, and then we came home and talked for a few hours before heading to bed.

I am off work today. V will be back shortly from dropping her monkeys off at school and then we are going to chat on here for a bit. I have to get my webcam reinstalled come to think of it. Monkey and I have a doctors appointment after school today. I want to get a thorough checkup and she complained of blurred vision on Thursday and Friday at school. This is the only time it has happened and I am a little worried. SO family doc first and then her eye doctor. Her eye doc had said last year during a routine exam that sh ewould probably need glasses when she was older (like years down the road) due to her eye shape. But glasses arent the solution for what seems to be taking place with her. I am a little worried. But hopefully the doc will order the right tests and figure out what is going on with her.

Things are going well. Work is a little screwy. I am only getting 30 hours next week which SUCKS but hopefully I can talk to the manager and get the extra hours back.

*sings a little tune*

Life is good. I am so happy most of the time.. it is rare when I get "down" anymore. Amazing what a change of scenery can do for a person. I don't express a lot about things which I think about. Not to anyone. I often wonder why I keep so much in. Afraid of letting anyone get to close? Sometimes I honestly just think that the majority of people are stupid so why bother letting them in and having such discussions. Now THAT is stupid thinking on my part. I guess I am just used to being alone. The only person I have really had indepth conversations with was MM. Since then I haven't really opened up as much to anyone else. With SG a bit.. but again, I am scared of getting hurt. I love him and if I let him in even more I think deep down I think I am going to be hurt again. This time it is going to be vicious and I think it will leave me feeling cold and empty for a very long time. I hope it doesn't come to that but one never knows what is in store for them.

As far as SG goes, things are going well. We talk everyday. He is the one who is usually phoning because of our work schedules, so at least I am not feeling like I am chasing something. Because I am not and I don't want to be. I am just letting it flow and I am liking how it is going. We have been together for two months or more now and it seems like.... forever? In a way.. yet new. I don't really know how to describe it. We have this comfortableness with each other that I like. He is considerate, loving, intelligent, kind and I could go on and on. He has shown so many good qualities. Qualities I love in a person. Qualities I have not found in anyone else. He speaks his mind like I do which is awesome. Yet I feel he holds things back as I do too. We like the same things, have a few different interests.. but it is good so far. He bought a dvd recorder thing yesterday and the only movie he mentioned that he was burning so far (he was doing it as he was talking to me) was Harry Potter 2 for the munchkin (she has #1 and #3 already). Tomorrow night i have a sitter almost in place so we can go out. Have a drink and something to snack on and then for a movie together. I know I am gushing and it is sickening. *laughs* I just really care for him a lot.

Ex-dummy went to court on Tuesday. I have not heard anything about it though I am sure he plead not guilty. I think I will phone his stepmom tomorrow and see if there is any news. Or maybe just phone the courts and see what took place. I am sure they can tell me.

Munchkins dad is getting us a table/chairs/hutch for the kitchen. He is getting it from someone he works with. I thought that was very nice of him. A good friend of his and he are not talking. Apparently said friend thinks he is too controlling (which he is) and has had enough and thinks it is better if they do not speak. ExH is upset and worried about him. He is a lot younger (19 I think) and used to be heavy into drugs and hanging with a bad crowd. Apparently since he called off the friendship he has gone back to the old crowd. I phoned him the other day to see how he was doing and he sounded okay. His parents are coming down hard on him and he wanted to know if he could move in with me. I told him that I would "think about it" BUT I then said that I had just gotten our of a bad relationship and I think that the munchkin and I need some time to ourselves. I don't want anyone moving in. He is a great kid but *sighs* I have myself and ht emonkey to look after. I don't want anyone else around. I told SG what he had asked (SG has met him has he has watched monkey before) and he said well he certainly isn't sleeping with you! I laughed at him and said I dont think he would have to worry about him putting any moves on me. (being that he is so totally gay) He said he wasnt worried about that but when he comes over and climbs into bed with me he doens't want him there too. LOL I laughed at that one. But I told SG straight out: that I didn't want to share my space with ANYONE besides the monkey. That we needed to be alone and he totally knew what I meant. Not to mention my landlady lives beneath me and I am sure she wouldnt like it. So I will phone him tomorrow and see how he is doing. He's a good kid I would hate to see him ruin his life. But like I told the exH: He is an adult and he has to make his own choices. Be they good or bad. The ex has phoned me everyday for the past 4 days. I wish he cared about his daughter as much as he seems to care about this kid.

Time to watch a movie with the munchkin and pop some popcorn. :)

Oh YAY! I am back online.

All moved. Work is going well. Home life is splendid. Love my new apartment. Right across the road from monkey's new school. Monkey is happy and glad that it is just the two of us. A few days after moving in she made the comment about how she is happy that the ex isn't with us anymore. She was brushing her teeth and she stopped and looked at me and said it out of the blue. She said she is glad there isn't fighting anymore.

We went to our first laundry place yesterday. Ugh I hate not having a washer and dryer.. even access to one without hoping in a cab but hey it works. And I miss my stove and fridge! And my red living room! But hey I love this new place. I am going to ask the landlady if I can paint. I am sure it won't be a problem. I am ordering some new bedding for the monkey so I would like to paint her room as well. The living room needs a touch of color as well. Not red because it will be a bitch to cover when I move but at least a nice taupe colour.

Happy. Finally.

Another productive day! I have been busy at the bank and registering monkey at school and daycare. Dropping off money for said daycare ($574 ugh) and another larger chunk for my apartment. Took her dad up to see it and he said it was okay. I admit it isn't the greatest but it is nice. And better yet it is all MINE! I couldn't drop off any cheques to her because I had enough cheques left to leave with the daycare. I couldn't find anymore so I had to go to the bank and order new ones along with everything else I had to do.

Came home and started filling out forms online for change of address items. And making a few phone calls when the internet wouldn't let me do it. I can't remember what else I have to change?

• driver's license (check)
  
• Government tax services (check)
  
• Banking (check)
  
• Health Cards.... semi done? Munchkins wouldn't change online.. have to phone and see why not.
  

Everything seems to be working out! I have the apartment and I am dropping off the 1st and last tomorrow. Munchkin is getting registered for her new school tomorrow. Daycare is getting their deposit tomorrow if they received the form from their administrator. Hydro-company has been called and will be turned on Friday, telephone will be on on Saturday (no deposit for me! someone said she had to put a $200 deposit down.. thank the gods I don't have to!), modem is on the way next week for the computer. I start days at work on Tuesday. The boss man said "we'll see how it goes". See how it goes my ass. He had better not think of screwing me around.

But I am feeling good. Things are starting to turn around, which for me, is a miracle. Maybe life is going to change for me for the better? I am trying to have a positive outlook on all of this. It is certainly a growing experience for me.

I am off of work tonight and tomorrow. SG is popping over after work at midnight and then again tomorrow for a midnight movie (Troy).

I have banking I need to do and munchkin's dad is maybe coming to her new school with me tomorrow. I told him to pick me up and we can check out my new place together. He says he drove by it already. Well he can COME IN. Besides, he needs to be more active with her life and I want him to see her school and meet the principal. He said to phone him in the morning and he would see. I hope he doesn't disappoint me.

And a random quiz thing stolen from mzmartipants just for the hell of it.

You Are 30 Years Old

30 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

M phoned a while ago. She asked how everything was going and I said it was going okay and told her about the apartment and then about the school and said I didn't know what I was going to do in the summer but I would work something out. She said "Are you going to be okay?" I lost it. I sobbed for one second and said I will be okay. She again offered for us to stay there for a few months. She said munchkin could stay with her while I worked.. she would make sure she got to school (she would have to transfer) and everything. That I could save up for a vehicle and the save for a place and it would be a lot easier on me. I told her that she doesn't understand what she is offering. She said that she does and she wouldn't make the offer to just anyone. That her and S both feel the same way and they are there for us.

I feel overwhelmed. BY everything. By their offer, by doing this myself. I am about 25% considering their offer. I don't want to ruin any friendship. I don't want them to think that I am using them. But really.. wouldn't that be true?

I have to see what work says tomorrow. I have to get an answer. A concrete one before I sign anything or do anything. This is rediculous. If my manager doesn't do anything then I will have to phone ops. and get him to do something. If that doesn't work then what? There is really no places hiring right now. The city is practically dead.

SG just phoned. I told him basically what was going on. Apartment. Offer of S&M. He asked how I would ge tto work and what about monkey's school? I didn't go into it. Talked for a bit and I asked him how he was with all of this. He said of course he didn't like it. He wants for me to be okay. He wants me to get things settled with both the ex's and everything. Work-wise and such. I told him that that is not what I mean, I knew all that, I asked him if he ever thought of running. He said that he didn't want me to worry about that that he isn't going anywhere. I am not worrying about it at all. I just want to know what he is thinking. Maybe by asking him these things I am going to piss him off and make him want to go. Maybe that is what I am trying to do? Part of me thinks that he deserves better than this.... all this crap that comes a long with "me".

I am tired. I have headaches all the time again. It used to be like this a few years ago. I think I had a headache at one point for two years straight. People say "this is life" and "life isn't easy". Believe me I know this. But usually don't good things happen sometimes at least? Yes I have the monkey, yes I have SG. I consider my monkey a great blessing. SG came into my life when I least expected it.....

I have to get ready for work.

Went to see a few other apartments today. The first one I almost cried.. when I seen the manager and again when I seen the actual apartment. There is no way I am living in a hole like that. Then We are driving along and I am stopping and phoning outside of people's places. This one place is right across from a good school. Not munchkins but another good one. It's cheaper than the one I was supposed to sign the lease for and it is nicer. This place is sweet. Only downfall is there is no laundry. argh. There must be a place nearby and ex-roomies stepmom said I could go there once a week or so if need be. Also munchkin's dad doesn't live to far away I am sure he can help out.

Now the school has a daycare in place so I wont have a problem with that BUT it is not open on snow days nor march break nor summer holidays. Now I am thinking WTF do I do with munchkin when she is not in school? Never mind the fact that I don't have my work schedule set up yet. OMG I am starting to freak out again! *breathes*

This is so fucked up. How do people do this without any support system? I made a lot of phone calls today regarding apartments. Must make more tomorrow in dealing with other issues. I just wish this was all over with and settled. I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. I just hope this doesn't kill me. If it werent for childcare it would be SO FUCKING EASY! Gods I wish she was old enough to sleep alone in the house at night while I worked.

Sg has been a sweetheart the past two days, well he always is but he has done me a huge favour by watching the monkey for me while I go to work. So he has been at my house, with me. :) My stepmom had been lecturing me. She is so cynical. She said to take it slow (yes I know) and that if he was really a good person and meant everything he says then he would WANT to help out when I am in a bind. Even with childcare. Now I certainly don't expect or want him to do this all the time.. but having him show this... even though I hated what she said it had made sense. And he has done as she had said. You know? I still can't believe what an awesome guy he is. I get the feeling I am in this dream sometimes and I certainly hope that I don't wake up.

I got home this morning from work and we laid in bed and talked and talked. It was nice. He caressed my back until I fell asleep. He is off doing errands before we go out tonight. I am meeting one of his friends and his wife. Nervous. A little. I want them to like me. He has three friends who he has been with since teen years. They are super close. It means a lot to me that they like me. Not that I will act any differently or anything, I just want it to go smoothly.

Ohhh....

Last night at work a friend of my ex's came in to drop off his resume to me. SO I could give it to the manager. He walks in in pants/skirt/makeup/nails done. He looked stunning. Well.. except for the skirt/pants.. that was bizarre. One or the other sweetheart! I greeted him with a hello honey! And chatted him up for a bit. ABout 10 minutes later he said ex was out in the car and he had to go. So I said I would see him tomorrow (he is coming to my house to watch the monkey for a few hours while I go out). When he came in my supervisor got a look on her face and went to the back. After I talked to her. She asked if that was the guy I was talking about who needed a job and I said yes it was. I said I seen the look on your face. She said she felt embarrassed because his makeup looks better than hers! I laughed and said yes the boy should go to beauty school (which he should). We had a long talk. She is not homophobic but she doesnt have any friends who are like that. She said she would be scared of being associated with "one" and people thinking she was like "that". I said what do you care what people think? I said that he is an awesome person. So we had a talk about how I should tell the manager for him to interview him and not the bitchy/gossipy assistant manager. She said that any other store and he might do okay but ours? We have a lot of gossipy "princesses". I said look.. if anyone gossips or says anything offensive about him I will knock the bitch out. I will have a talk to the manager and if that doesn't solve the situation then there will be an employee harrassment form signed by moi on his behalf. EVERYONE will be warned if he gets hired. Fuck with him and you are fucking with me too.

Everyone there loves me. Noone has ever said anything bad about me. Or if they have I have immediately confronted them and "solved" the issue. I am dead sure noone is going to start shit at least while I am around. He is a good kid and we get along tremendously. I am sure that part of the reason he wants to work where I am at is because of me. Otherwise he would go someplace closer to my ex's which is where he stays on weekends (he lives out of town). He has had it rough. He had to drop out of high school because of the tormentors. He is going to the college and doing it through them to get his GED. Which is awesome. I mean he never dressed like that in school obviously but he is feminine and super cute. I can just imagine the slack that boy took.

*sighs* People are assholes. Why must everyone judge people like that? What can't we get along with people and base it on how that person actually is and not what they are, whom they like, or how they dress?

I admit I tease some of the ppl who come into work. The girls from the stripclubs who have no business being in tight latex dresses *shivers* and the like.... hey I am a hypocrite sometimes.. but I would not say something repetitively to purposely hurt someones feelings like a lot of people do.

Seems LJ ate a post or two of mine. ahh well.

Just got home from work and shoveling the snow. Four inches plus of snow plus freezing rain equals not a happy me. Actually that is a lie. I enjoy shoveling the driveway. It's a decent workout and I am so damn anal I make sure every single bit of snow is off of the thing. As I am standing at the end of it, I look on with pride.

SG let me use his car. Should say he insisted that I use his car last night for work. He was going out with the boys so they picked him up at my place. I did my errands yesterday morning and then had lunch with him. Came back to my house and he insisted that I get some sleep. Which was a good idea considering the last time I slept was Sunday night. Well unless you count the 5 second nap in the dentist chair when I was having my root canal done on Tuesday. So Monday - Wednesday with no sleep. I am quite amazed at myself! Anyways the darlin put me to bed and tucked me in. Came back to wake me up a few hours later and then left with the boys. We were laying in bed and I was looking at him and I must have had this expression on my face because he asked what. I said I was just thinking and of course he wanted to know what about. I had been thinking about how fond of him I was and how I loved him. I told him nevermind that it was just a thought and that sometimes people keep things to themselves for a while. He said that wasn't fair.. and wanted to know. I think he knew, I could tell on his face. So I said I wanted to tell him what I was thinking but that I didn't want to feel vulnerable. He said it was okay and that I could tell him anything. So I looked at him and I told him. He smiled and told me that he did too. I kind of laughed and told him that he didn't have to say it back. But he said that he meant it and something about how he felt and not saying it or saying it or something. I cannot remember. *sighs* He is a very special person.

He also told me a bit about past relationships again. How he had dated someone for two years who was engaged to someone else. That's the closest thing he has ever came to "cheating". Well really it wasn't him who cheated but hey. He said that he loved her at the time and if she had left her fiancee chances are they would still be together. He had stopped seeing her when he had started seeing someone else. I guess he realized that it would never be between them. He was 18 and she was 24 at the time. He still talks to her maybe once a year or so. She is married to the guy and they have a young child. But he says that was another time in his life and I have nothing to worry about. He is so open it is scary. In a nice sort of way. I wish I could be as open but I am scared of what he may think. Yes sweety I have slept with most of my male friends. One of whom your dad knows. I mean it's not like I am ever going to be with these people again, so really it is no big deal. But it is. How about my exbestfriend and I wanted to try a girl on girl thing and it lead to the boys being involved and I found a deep connection with her husband? I still care a great deal for him and I haven't spoken to him in over a year.

I just don't know. Maybe someday.

had a talk with my manager this morning. Lectured him about my schedule for next week. I have Wednesday and Thursday off and Saturday off. WTF is that? I get Monday, Tesday, Friday and Sunday as shifts. Talk about being pissed. He said not to worry that most likely it would be changed. I said it had better get changed because it is not acceptable. Another person got her shifts all the same and none left out. As far as I am concerned (and even a supervisor who works with us) I am a better worker than her. IN fact I usually end up helping her do her stuff. It pisses me off that she is the "golden girl". Seems she cannot do any wrong. Manager said something about how I had wanted days anyways. I said YES BUT I still need 40 hours a week at least. And either all midnights or all days. One or the other. aggrivating. And here I am about to sign a damn lease on an apartment. Looks like Friday and I will be moving in next weekend. Hopefully. They do a credit check and I have something on there from 1999 (dated 2001 for some reason) from when I left the exHusband. I told her about it and she said it wouldnt be a problem. Seems to be a problem with everything else involving credit. Yet another lovely thing going on. I cannot wait until that is off of my record.

Meanwhile I am looking at other apartments and job hunting. I have to get a lawyer this week as per my meeting yesterday and then I will have the ball rolling for things. I want to get a divorce over and done with and cs and visitation set up.

Fun times. Cannot wait for this to be over with.. but I am feeling good today.

Well fuck me I had to ask. [i]What next?[/i]

Well I had a dentist appointment this morning. My previous one a few weeks ago cost me minimal ($3 as insurance paid about $180 of it). I was given the impression that this procedure would be practically the same as the last, only taking out the temporary filling and replacing it with a permanent. Well. I dozed off while the dentist is doing his thing. I spasm and come to. He jokes with his assistant how he has never had a woman patient like me. Has had a few men fall asleep during a root canal though. ROOT CANAL? WTF? SO I am thinking omg how much is this going to cost me? $800. Roughly. And they are not sure how much insurance will cover. I put down $300. Munchkins dad will reimburse me whatever the insurance agency credits his account with. AND I want to see his bank statement when he gives it to me later this week. I think it covers 80% for this kind of procedure.. which still leaves me taking a nice chunk out of my account.

On to the next thing!

Munchkins daycare phones and says that because the check is blah blah blah (something to do with time) that I have to pay $370 for january (+ admin fees) and $360 for February. $730 CASH due TOMORROW!

SG knew something was wrong (of course) and I just said I am having a bad day. He was at the dentist with me and knew how much it cost. We came home and after a bit the phone rang. I didnt answer it but listened as the machine got it. It was the daycare. I just froze and.. he asked if I was okay. I said ohh fabulous. I told him the rotten day I was having with everything. He asked if there was anything he could do and I said no.. but thanks anyways. I'd let him know. He knows how much childsupport I get. He said it's bs. I am struggling to survive (mostly due to childcare issues.. actually ALL due to it) and the ex is getting off free. A measly bit a month but doesnt help out besides and doesnt pay enough cs either. He said he was sorry for saying what he did but I want to hear it. He knows that I plan on going for my divorce and everything (I have decided to do it) and get more cs from her dad as well as a structured visitation time so that he will be forced to see her more often. He is looking out for me and it made me feel better to hear him talk. I told him that I thought of telling him to run and don't look back. He asked why and I said because of THIS! *throwing my arms into the air and wide* He said that this will pass and I will straighten it out. That he is here for me and he doesn't plan on just staying a few weeks. Said a bunch more things as well.

This isn't easy and I am scared to death. I have to phone munchkins dad and see if he is working tonight. If he isnt he had better agree to watch her tonight so I can go to work. SG said he can watch her wed-fri if I will allow him to. Now what if I get my day shifts and I dont have her in daycare because I cannot afford it? Ohh wait! I get paid this week.... I may be able to do it. Fuck man...

I haven't slept yet today. Dentist and then I was feeling frisky afterwards. *grins* I have appointments tomorrow morning for dealing with exroommate and getting my share of the house.. then meeting SG for lunch. *sighs* The property manager for that apartment phoned.. I returned her call but had to leave a message. PLEASE! I need at least a few good things to start happening for me.

It's hopeless. I should just.. I don't know. I feel like telling SG that we shouldnt see each other anymore. It's not what I want mind you. I love him. But I think that everything I touch and everything I do crumbles. I don't want to drag him down at all. He is too good for that.

Talked to my boss this morning and now he says that he never said he could gaurantee me fulltime days. I told him that he said it "wouldn't be a problem", and that to me means that it was okay. He said he would see what he could do. Daycare for munchkin phoned and said that they underestimated the cost of having her there and it is $80 more a month than what was expected.

What next I ask? What the fuck next? I hate this shit. Nothing works EVER. No matter how optomistic I try to be. Granted on here I am really down but irl I am not. I am happy go lucky and try not to let things phase me. What's the use?

I am feeling really crappy right now. Just everything going on I suppose.

Talked to L and V for the first time in over a week. His parents are over from France so they have been busy. I didn't want to tell them what had been going on but she kept asking how he was and how we were getting along. So finally I asked if the kids were near there and after finding out that they weren't (didnt want them reading over moms shoulder), I told her. Her reaction was one of surprise and horror for me and yet she still asked how he was doing and if I had talked to him at all. WTF? I told her calmly that I didn't care how he was doing and I had no intention of ever talking to him again. I love her but holy fuck she doesn't use her head sometimes. Irritates me just thinking about it. L was teasing as usual. Asking if I was okay and everything.. if SG was looking after me. Still, V's reaction just irks the hell out of me. I mean I can't even sleep at night without making sure everything is locked and leaving a few lights on. Should I care what he is going through? I think not.

And I am worrying about finances. On paper everything looks good. Have a few hundred left at the end of the month with everything coming out. Rent, phone, groceries, hydro, loan, transportation, daycare (estimated). If munchkin were old enough I could work nights and get a part time job during the day while she is at school a few days a week if need be. But if I don't make enough to cover everything now.. I am fucked. Especially if I sign a lease. *breathe*

S is coming in an hour to pick up munchkin so I can go to work. Have to talk to boss man in the morning.. or.. wed morning as I dont think he is in tomorrow. Make sure I can make my new hours from 8am-4pm and if not to ask for a transfer elsewhere. There is one closer to "my soon hope to be apartment". Munchkin will go into daycare from 7am until school starts and then from 3:30pm to 5pm. $288/m for that, which isn't to bad I guess. I have to bring $338 cash on wed for registration and cheques for $288 for the 10th of every month starting Jan 10th. With that, my dentist bill tomorrow, first and last and deposits for phone and hydro.. I am wondering if I have enough saved for it all.

HA! Stop worrying so damn much. Going to give myself an ulcer.

Sitting here. Bored, which is unusual for me. I kinda like it though, well once in a while.

Last night before SG came over I was reading on the sofa, something I hadn't done in a while it seems. I fell asleep and had a dream where he was bending over me and gave me a kiss on the forehead (i was laying down at the time) and he wished me a happy new year and said that this year would be a lot better for me. Upon him saying that I awoke and looked at the time. It was after midnight and I knew he would be here soon. Not two minutes later a knock came at the door. I told him about the dream. About his kiss waking me up but nothing more. He smiled at me and kissed me. I like dreams like that.

He had to work his full shift tonight, unfortunately. Called me twice from work. Once to let me know he couldn't get off early as he had hoped (we were going to have dinner together) and another time on his lunch to see how I was doing. *sighs*

I called my stepmom and she kept asking questions about the home life. Eventually I told her that I was going to tell her something but she was not to mention it to dad. I told her what roomie had done and that he wasn't allowed in the house or near me or my daughter. I told her I almost didnt press charges. She said honey you have to.. it is the only way to do it. She understood how I felt but she said I had done the right thing. She wouldnt tell dad either. He is very sick and hearing something like this and worrying about me is the last thing he needs. She said I needed to be on my own just me and the munchkin and NO MEN. or at least none moving in.. have my men on the side.

I laughed and then I told her what SG had said about wishing our relationship could be fastforwarded so he could help me.. meaning moving in together and whatnot. I said don't worry, that I had I made it clear that it was to soon and he agreed. I needed my own space to think and to just breathe. She told me that I had better have a ring on my finger the next time I move in with someone or she would come up here and kick my butt. She said to do it right this time. I told her how nice he is and how much I really like him. She said everyone seems nice at first. And I know she is right to say that and to put a little "fear" into me, if you will. But she is wrong with this one. I know it. I can feel it inside me. Let's hope that while I am finally listening to my inner self that it is not lying to me.

Munchkin starts school back tomorrow. She is excited but hates the idea of walking the 1.3km there and then another 1.3 back again. The apartment I wanted by her school is still available and the lady is supposed to phone me by tomorrow to set up a time to view it again and to let me know if a 6 month lease is possible. Let's hope. She said something about the laundry hookup and how many people put in stackable washer and dryers. Mine are fullsized side by sides. I certainly hope there is room for them. Please.. There has to be. Otherwise I need to sell these ones and get the right size for the apartment. $$$ *sighs* Trying not to think the worse here. At least monkey will be happy there as she only has two blocks to walk.

Roomies parents said it would be a good location for us. But it is a shame that there is no play area for her. But the school is two blocks like I said and it has a playground. Also, there is a small park a few blocks away and a larger one about a 15 minute walk away. Plus in the summer she will be going to day camp at a park area during the day while I am at work.. all will be good. She will get lots of play time outside. We will have a nice backyard to play in again someday.

SG came over after work yesterday. We stayed up until around 5am and then went to sleep. It was nice waking up with him. Of course he had to work so I crept out of bed and let him get some more sleep. I haven't told him yet how I feel and it bothers me. It's like I am looking at him and I want to say it. it is on the tip of my tongue.. but I don't. We were in the shower in the wee hours of the morning and he had wrapped his arms around me and it would have been a perfect time.. but I just sighed and smiled and turned my head back for a kiss while hugging his arms to me. I guess it just isn't time yet.

Well a happy new year to me. :) I am having good thoughts about the coming year and about finally putting everything behind me. I am feeling alright I guess. I still do not want to have to go to court. I don't want some lawyer making it look like I actually wanted this to happen along with other things. The police said to be prepared for him to make up lies and whatnot to try to get off. *sighs* A part of me wants to just say forget it. Let his parents get him the therapy he needs (which he is getting.. he is staying at a place for it), and let that be the end of it. Within a month I will move and this will all be over with. But people tell me no that I will not have peace with this if I let it go. That I should pursue this and make sure he gets punished for it. I am just tired and I just want to be left alone.

I phoned R last night and told her that I wasn't going to to come over for New Year's. I don't know. I just felt like staying home. She said she understood and that btw there was an apartment for rent right behind her place, above a store. She would get me the number for it and give me a call sometime today. So we'll see how that works. I have phoned several places today but NOONE is home. I have left several messages and will phone again this evening. Most places I phoned I didnt know the address for so I have to find that first. I am trying to stay within a particular area if at all possible. The place I had seen a week ago I phoned back and left a message at as well, asking if it is taken yet. If not I think I am going to take it. Even if I have to sign the lease I may still take it. It is a decent price and in the neighborhood I want. My luck it is taken already though. We'll see.

SG wanted me to go out last night. I told him I didn't think I would. He said he felt bad about me staying home and I said that if I stay home it is because I want some time to myself. He had already made plans previous to "us" with a friend of his so I told him to go and have fun and I would talk to him today. So I stayed home and read a book. It was a nice evening as I hadnt had time to do that lately. He phoned about an hour ago and said he had gotten up and was about to get ready for work. He would phone me on his way home and stop in if I felt up for a visit. He gets off at midnight and I told him knowing me I would be up. Night owl that I am.. and considering the good sleep I had had.

I love him. Scary thought. I mean I have said that I have loved others and I do love them. I love lots of people.. but I mean I LOVE him... in a different way. I haven't told him though I am sure he knows it.

G just called. He wants to get together "sometime". Told him I have the monkey home today but we can still do something if he wants too. Said he would get cleaned up and give me a call. His wife is at work, unfortunately. I haven't seen her in a long time and would love to see her. So not sure what we are going to do. Most likely hang out here and maybe go for dinner later. Actually Chinese sounds wonderful. I think our chinese place is on the way to his new house. I would love to see his new place so I think I will suggest that. 6000 sqft house. I can't even imagine. I also want to ask him some questions about financial stuff. He is a wizard with numbers and laws regarding things.

I hope I find a place this week to move to. I am in the process of sorting things and packing what I can pack right now. I have decided to buy new dishes and glasses, but the pots and pans and some other things from the kitchen, I am taking with me. He doesn't cook a lot anyways and he can buy new ones. Expensive pots and they are coming with me.

So I am okay, but worried about a lot of things. My body functions are totally screwed up. Even though I am on the pill my period came a few days early and ended a few days early. Headaches.. well I bought a new bottle of pills. My stomach.. *sighs* This too shall end. My new years resolution? Not sure I have one.. this year is a new beginning. My wish is a happy one.

On to the munchkin. She is an amazing child (of course I would think so) but yesterday she seemed... not different but she was so much happier and so much more energy than normal. The kid was literally bouncing around the house. She was laughing loudly and yelling while playing and just being a loud but normal kid. Now she ahs always been a normal kid but.. never this loud inside the house. I asked her why she was like this today and she laughed and hugged me and said that she was a very good girl today and hadn't gotten into trouble (she doesnt get into trouble every day and she isnt a bad kid). My thought is that it is because he is gone. She had to be not quiet but not make a lot of noise in the house when he was home before because he would get upset. She knows he is gone and is not coming back.. what a change in her. It makes my heart glad and yet it saddens me at the same time.