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Friday, June 16th, 2006
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6:38 pm - why do i kill myself?
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I have a friend, whom i kill myself for.
if shes upset? its because I must have done something to upset her.
(not what she says, its how I feel)
If shes angry, it must be my fault
if she doesnt invite me over? why doesnt she want me there?
if she doesnt come to my house when invited? .. its because shes angry at me
WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?
Shes said many times to me, i dont know why you do this to yourself..
But i feel endebted (sp?) to her.
And when we see each other in person? its all good.. and my fears are re-assured.
Why do i worry so much about her? why do i strive for her acceptance and her friendship? why do i feel like I always need to apologize or be really really nice just make sure shes *ok*? I dont know why I do it.. I feel so guilty all the time, and its NOTHING shes done.. its all me.. 100% me. so i cant even call her and say. what have i done? I just automatically blame myself for any wrong she is feeling, even though, no fingers have been pointed at me. .. theres a posting on her myspace blog thats *private* for preferred readers, and I aint one of them.. so.. _________________________ (fill in the blanks) it must be about me.. something bad.
why why why why why why why
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, January 12th, 2006
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10:49 pm - why me?
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Sunday, went to the ER, because i thought i had strep. I had pharyngitis. . . which is an infection of the throat.. almost strep, but not just. So, my throat feels better..
Last night (wednesday) laying down, catching a rest before having to work the graveyard shift at the bux.. stood up.. EXCRUCIATING PAIN in my stomach, up to my chest. 10 times worse than child birth.. hell 1000 times worse. .ive never felt pain like this
Michael says.. oh its just gas. I make myself throw up, to see if the *gas bubble* will come up with it.
nope.
im crawling on the floor.. crying.. begging michael.. please.. make it stop hurting!
Hes running around looking for antacids, i just bought some, have had heartburn alot lately.. so maybe this is acid reflux? doesnt taste very acid-y.. i cant stand i cant sit i cant lay on my back i cant lay on my front, the only thing that felt halfway decent was if I was on all 4's and stretched my stomach as far as i could down towards the floor ... nothing made this feel better. finally he says, im taking you to the dr. right now. i say.. if i fart or burp in the ER and it goes away, im going to be incredibly embarrassed.
we are in the car, i think i actually passed out, because my hand fell from the handle and it startled me because i was gripping it with everything i had because of the pain.
i have never been whoooshed so fast into er, started an EKG, because i felt the pain in my chest sometimes, put an IV in me, gave me morphine, phenagrine (hee hee kelly) a GI cocktail.. (which when the nurse asked me what meds I have had, i said uh, morphine, phenagrine and the army drink.. she laughed and said. GI = gastro intestinal...) the GI cocktail is Lidocaine, maalox and one other drug to stop stomach cramping. however, it aint my tummy..
Then i have a CT scan for my mid section, and im falling asleep in there. i get wheeled back, the dr. who is the best dr. i have ever encountered and im hoping he has a general practice.. tells me that its probably my gall bladder. and i was passing a gall stone. and that i probably need to have my gall bladder out. Im out of work until next week.. nothing but bedrest and liquids.. today i feel like ive been beaten up, just in my tummy..
and how was your day?
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 7th, 2006
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4:06 pm
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stolen from ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) slipsbyandstops
1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
our most popular coffee; House Blend is
2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?:
blue walls of the Avon Beauty Center
3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?:
beverly hills 90210 (marathon this morning on Soap Network)
4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is:
4:07 (i looked, its 4:11)
5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
i just said! its 4:11
6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
customers, gwen stefani singing *cool*.. zoolander in the back of the store
7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?:
emptying out the car to come into the store
9: What are you wearing?:
lime green stretchy polo.. jeans, white tennies.. nothin fancy
10: Did you dream last night?
I dreamt that i knocked one of my own teeth out, and my mouth filled with blood that was thick and jello-y
11: When did you last laugh?
earlier today.. my kids are funny
12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?:
Avon photos of bee u ti ful women..
13: Seen anything weird lately?:
yep, this nasty lady in front of food maxx.. talking about how she just moved here from L.A. and is panhandling in front of the store.. (how'd she move?)
14: What do you think of this quiz?:
different, interesting
15: What is the last film you saw?:
fun with dick and jane
16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
two cars
17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
i can sing very very well
18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?: poverty, middle class poverty
19: Do you like to dance?:
yep.. im a bootay shaker
20: George Bush:
Dicky McFuckerson. (I liked slipsbyandstops 's answer.)
21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
emily claire (michael says.. sounds like an eclair) or tabitha belle.. so i can have my tinkerbelle
22: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
uh, tyler*duh*
23: Would you ever consider living abroad?:
.yep, i want to go to france, greece and ireland
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, December 26th, 2005
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3:05 pm - bah merry after christmas
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dont get me started..
i stole this from mallowmar thanks =)
A - Age you got your first kiss: sadly, i was a freshman in highschool 13 (he was in 8th grade, i always liked em young)
B - Band listening to right now: kelly clarkson, moment like this
C - Crush: me too! i married my crush.. he still is my crush.. michael *sigh*
D - Dad's name: Richard.
E - Easiest person[s] to talk to: Natalie , My Sister and my mom
F - Favorite bands at the moment: jack johnson, that hot guy on whatshernames lj, classic jazz bands
G - Gummy bears or gummy worms: mmm. haribo gummy bears.. tied with sour gummy worms
H - Hometown: Daly City
I - Instruments: Flute, Drums, Trumpet, Clarinet, Alto Sax-a-ma-phone (yes, super nerd)
J- Job: Nanny and avon pusher
K - Kids: Tres Boys = 12, Tyler, 10, Shawn and 6, Christian
L - Longest car ride ever: Ugh, from Mountain View, CA to Tampa, FL
M - Mom's name: Karen
N - Name: Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
O - One wish: my own roof over my head
P - Phobia[s]: being alone, heights.. dont believe the being alone part? watch me by myself at Wal Mart.. i have HUGE anxiety
Q - Quote: "I've heard that song and dance before..."
R - Reason to smile: My loving husband who just sits there and lets me bitch and bitch and bitch and bitch and he knows its *just me* and that i dont mean half the things I say
S - Song you sang last: If We Ever - take 6.. good therapy without going to church
T - Time you woke up [today]: eleven
U - Unknown fact[s] about me: If i told you, then it wouldnt be *unknown* now, would it
V - Vegetable you dislike: PEAS.. damned green balls of paste
W - Worst habit(s): being too f*ng nice sometimes
X - X-rays you've had: recently? mammogram boob smoosh, october '05
Y - Yummy food: enchiladas
Z - Zodiac sign: saggitarius
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 8th, 2005
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10:41 am - oh well that didnt work.
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I sit here and I think about the past year. I went to a random site on myspace.com and a guy had *hoobastank* embedded in his profile, *the reason*... and i start to think..
Last year, at this time, my husband and I were hanging on by a thread. He didnt want to be with me anymore. He didnt want to be anywhere near me. That pain in my heart, and that misery of knowing my marriage was over. christmas sucked.. my birthday sucked..
in january.. january 28th 2005 to be exact, i moved out. he said he wasnt coming home that night, i said if you dont come home, i wont be here anymore.
So, i picked up the kids and i left, went to my moms house. about after a month of living apart, he said that he made the biggest mistake of his life and that we should fix things etc..moved back in together after the kids finished school..etc ..etc..
things have been great up until about a week ago. and this time, its me.
they were super great. Id look at him and get all stupid and giggly and want to kiss him and hug him and I always felt warm fuzzies in my belly.. all that stupid love stuff.. and lots and lots of.. *ahem*... one day, im being silly with him, and he just said no.. not right now. And im all for spontineity (sp?) and whims.. and he said no.
right then, my bubble burst. i was so hurt and rejected, i still cant get out of that mode.. he rejected me.
i still look at him and get those bubbly feelings, but now i have restraint.. is he going to say no again? and it makes me sad. Yesterday, Pearl harbor day was our first kiss anniversary 11 years ago. (funny side note.. i told my firstborn son that i met daddy 11 years ago today, and he said *cool*.. and I said.. oops..we had our first kiss on this day.. he said.. daddy got lucky!)
when i hear *the reason* i remember the pain of my broken heart and I can hear my sobs of not wanting to live without him.
i feel guilty for being so stupid about a simple no.. not right now
help me snap out of it
i think i made a page last year.. http://www.acidpixie.com/thereason.html
current mood:  confused
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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10:31 am - because of you...
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| Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
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2:57 pm - favor time
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my best male friend since 1983 (oh god, grey hair just popped out), is a talented cartoonist. He just got a job at a *cartoon doll* website.. The more hits he gets the better!
Please go check out his becky doll for me! and tell all yer friends too =)
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
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12:12 am - long winded... ready?
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I had quite the nice weekend. well, off weekend perhaps. my simple pleasures started sunday when I worked at the Avon store for Dr. Doo-little so she could go out of town. It was shawnie-boo's 10th birthday.. so we celebrated the night before.. so wait.. my simple pleasures started saturday..
saturday evening, we decide to go see harry potter for smf's b.d., but first dinner at *da mawl* to kill time until the movie. I dont know if im on the right track or anything, but i told my boys that they could have whatever they wanted for dinner. ... mind you, that if this was me at age 10, id have a hot fudge sundae, a coke and some cookies for dessert.. My eldest picked a ham and cheese sandwich from Togo's, the birthday dude picked pasta and garlic bread from sbarro's and my youngest picked broccoli beef and noodles from some random chinese eatery. so.. thats my first simple pleasure.. my kids enjoy *good* fast food.. second? harry potter.. that movie was amazingly good. third? after the movie was out, i was starving, because i didnt eat at the mawl.. so i went through mcd's drive thru at 1:00 a.m. to get abuck dub cheeze. well, all 3 boys said they wanted one too.. so.. we drive to the speaker.. *three double cheese's plain and one regular*.. go to the window.. .. .. pay.. .. .. go to the next window.. no one is there.. I start saying.. what.. are you grinding the meat to make the burger? *insert boys laughter*.. what..?? are you picking the wheat to make the flour for the buns? *insert roaring laughter*.. WHAT?? ARE YOU PICKLING THE CUCUMBERS TO MAKE THE PICKLES?* insert silent tummy hurting laughter*.. WHAT!!! ARE YOU SQUEEZING THE TOMATOES TO MAKE THE KETCHUP??!!?? .. by this time, christian is literally crying from laughing so hard.. Finally, the very frail asian woman comes to the window with the smallest bag made at mcdonalds.. with all 4 stacked on top of each other. We dive into these bad boys like we havent eaten all day.. I take a moment to breathe and say.. mmm.. pickl-ey.. *insert more laughter*...
i love moments like these with my children.. it makes me think that i am making silly memories for them to remember when they are old like me.. and think back ..
sunday was good.. worked the store.. did quite well for having three very bored boys in the back..closed at 5:30 ish, then took them to Old Navy for their birthday shopping spree (nene and grandma sent them both gift cards so they were in hog heaven).. Since they are *old* this year, i decided to let them pick out whatever caught their eye, and then id give a yay, or an.. *eh*.. that color? are you sure? kinda look.. They blew me away with their choices. Tyler picked out a jacket that I would never picture him wearing, and he looks dern good in it.. also managed to pick out matching olive khakis to go with it, and then he bought a hat for his littlest brother, so he didnt feel left out .. which i thought was sweet. Shawn.. is going to eventually be my goth boy.. everything black and red. black and red jacket, black and red *jersey* type of shirt, black and red t-shirt.. and then regular ol khakis..
leaving the mall, christian asked.. is santa here? i said.. yes he is.. he said.. i need to see him..very determined. So we walked down to where santa was, and there was no one there so santa was taking a stretch.. christian walked right up to him and said, i havent been very good this year.. and hung his head. santa said.. thats ok.. i understand.. no one is perfect. .. so that perked him up and i told santa that it was shawns birthday.. and santa sang happy birthday to shawn ... *awwww*
armed with more gift certificates, we headed to baskin robbins where tyler got a 2 scoop cone, shawn got an egg nog milkshake, christian got a scoop of some weird very colorful sherbet thingie and I.. overdosed on a 3 scoop hot fudge chocolate chip sundae . . . m.mmmmm
which is where i say having a car can cause fast food death. Since dr. doolittle was out of town, she let me use the car to get to work. In two days time, I injested Jamba Juice, Taco Bell, McDonalds breakfast AND lunch, movie popcorn, Long John Silvers and Baskin Robbins..
you can tell i dont get out much
oh~! and today.. i broke down and bought my son a prepaid cell phone.. he is starting to do stuff at school, after school.. and he calls from the school every day, without me asking.. so I thought I would reward him with an *honorable* treat.. and 5 grey hairs popped out when i gave it to him.. but he was very very happy
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 24th, 2005
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12:27 am - im a little sad..
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if nick and jessica cant make it, then we're all doomed =(
wishing everyone the best tryptophan highs tomorrow !!
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
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12:58 pm - im in love =)
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with google earth.. have you used this thing yet? its amazing
*i love you too, michael, dont worry*
current mood:  excited
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 10th, 2005
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10:47 pm - uuuugh.. so sick
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the entire family has the stomach flu.... and really really bad..
had to take my husband to the ER for 2 bags of fluid.. they told him he needed FIVE total.. to be rehydrated... icky, huh?
hope everyone else feels better
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, November 4th, 2005
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12:27 am - handwriting quiz
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Tense---Do you feel the need for power? I thought
so. As the picture so honestly points out, you
like to be in control. Based on your
handwriting though, you can be a little tense
and nervous sometimes. Thats okay, we are all
stressed out every once in a while. How hard
you push down on the paper and how carefull you
are about writing your letters is stress
indicated by the tension in your hands and
fingers. Its possible that you sometimes have
extreme pain in your hands after writing a
paper. If you loosen your grip a little and try
to link your letters together a little more,
the tension may lighten up a little, and so may
your stress.
WHAT DOES YOUR HANDWRITING SAY ABOUT YOU??? <-----------
brought to you by Quizilla
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
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3:08 pm - every little detail is so important
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i washed the laundry, but forgot to tell you that i didnt use soap
i borrowed your car, but didnt tell you that i used all of the gas
i love being with you but i failed to mention that im married
i wore your sunglasses, but didnt tell you that i scratched them
i ate all of the broccoli,and didnt make more knowing its your favorite
i drove to work today, and forgot to tell you that i got pulled over.
Little details... HUGE details.. they are bits of information nonetheless and i dont like being left out of certain details. But people seem to feel like not disclosing information isnt crucial to relationships. When someone tells you something.. that happened to your *significant other* TWO WEEKS AGO.. it means.. they failed to tell you themselves...
Why is omittance, of any size, shape or color.. supposed to be allowed? I dont leave out anything, because then * you didnt tell me* will NEVER cross anyones lips..
uuuuuggggghhh
current mood:  frustrated
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, October 31st, 2005
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9:39 pm - exhausted
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trick or treating was great.. kids cleaned up for only going about 4 .. 5 blocks..
for some reason though.. im super tired..
maybe it was the zima. mixed with the vicodin?
pix later.
happy halloween everyone
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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2:29 pm
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happy halloween from your favourite poseur =)
im like a ska, converse wearing chain belt black wristband guy person.. with scar under armpit +)
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 30th, 2005
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10:51 pm - im not happy with my *style*
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what should i change it to? i like styles that show a different user picture with each entry.. any suggestions?
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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8:28 pm
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divinepinkgirl's Halloween party:
atomicscooby dressed as the Governor of Louisiana.
attak dressed as a halfback for the Packers, though it looked more like the President of Iceland.
change0fseasons dressed as the Marquis of Topphex, though it looked more like a new member of the Wu-Tang Clan, Midnight Wizard.
divinepinkgirl dressed as your mother.
dxjason dressed as Daisy Fuentes's cousin.
evolutionary_me dressed as a disturbing self-made character called "Dorkey Barfshorts".
georgiapeach dressed as a PepperCorporation employee.
holinmyhrt dressed as the spirit of their dead grandmother Leigh.
iamasahm dressed as a Level 11 barbarian.
ikidomari dressed as Colin Creevey.
jessparizek dressed as Elvis Presley.
jupitersdarling dressed as Dolly Parton.
london_erection dressed as a blue momentum.
mallowmar13 dressed as Lindsay Davenport.
purrfectionist dressed as Chester A. Arthur.
stewardesses dressed as a senior webpage designer.
t_bag_mic dressed as a cup of tea.
venusrising dressed as a devil, though it looked more like Counselor Troi from "Star Trek".
Throw your own party at the Hallomeme!
Created with phpNonsense
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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3:23 pm - yes.. i've caved
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I sit at home all week long.. what other at home business can I do thats *legal*??
After watching my friends Brian and Jina make thousands of dollars monthly (and im not kidding)..
we decided we could sell it too =)
So, go check out the website that is created through avon.. pick up a couple of things here and there.. Or.. just register with the site so I can send freebees!
Thanks so much.. you guys rock.
http://www.youravon.com/jfrye4917
current mood:  creative
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 29th, 2005
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3:43 pm - frankenbeyatch
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Today was last minute halloween costume day..Went to Party America first and they had nothing for boys.. lots of girl stuff.. but nothing for boys.. went to Spirit! Halloween overpriced gouge store.. and found some winners.. Christian got a mask a couple of weeks ago at walmart, so all he needed was a cape. Shawn was begging to be a ninja..and after a thousand no's.. thats all that was left ..so hes going to be a friggin ninja.. And tyler? tyler always has the unique costumes. He is going to be a biker.. There was a mask for 12 bucks.. that looks like a silver harley half helmet, shades and a long beard, mustache, and long grey-ish hair.. so all he needs now is my Ozzy t-shirt and a flannel...
however being out was not a good thing for me. My arm is now totally swollen (i dont know why. prolly from walking) and it hurrrrts.. and i cant put it down normally because its all swollen-ified..
so i guess.. pictures after halloween? dont forget to turn your clocks back tonight...
current mood:  uncomfortable
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, October 28th, 2005
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12:49 am - the proof is in the pudding
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sad