i swear i'm getting all my relationship karma back....every groveling, victimized, deliberate, desperate, pathetic, exhausting, exasperating, idiotic, cliche, mind blowing, aggravating, head-in-hand wanna weep from frustration, maddening, what about "it's over" do you not get?!?!, i'll jump in front of a train for you, begging on hands and knees, the pain is overwhelming, utterly heartbroken, i just wanna die moments.

i'm sorry to all my exes out there it if was ever any of the above things or worse....damn, i get it now, like i REALLY get it now.

i met a really cool lesbian named danni over the weekend at my friend anna's birthday party. she recommended reading the book, "the ethical slut" not to try to persuade anyone to go poly or anything like that, but because the message of the book is: "own your own shit"

so in other words, don't project your feelings, insecurities, fear, emotions, responsibilities, or desires onto other people, not in relationships and not in life in general.

i like that message because i can't think of anyone off the top of my head that lives by that rule.

so ladies and gentlemen, "OWN YOUR OWN SHIT" and be happy.

sunday morning, about 3 am, a coworker and friend, jonathan ryan christansen passed away in the hospital from complications from pneumonia.

i was shocked....i used to eat breakfast at village inn with this guy...it was ryan, the strange little gay dude with the biggest heart in the world.

it was the first thing i was hit with at work on monday morning....i wasn't even done with my coffee, had just barely sat done when i heard, "did you know ryan? he died yesterday."

and just because he was openly gay doesn't mean he had aids so all the idiots at work can shut their ignorant mouths...besides it doesn't matter what killed him, he's dead and now there's one less person in the world that i know, that i can talk to, that loves me and that just fucking sucks.

i'm still trying to comes to terms with it. he was an incredible spirit and i am so going to miss his raspy, 50 year old smoker woman voice in that tiny 30 something body.

damn it. i still have his card...his phone number was 505-eat-shit

see ya ryan.

ok, so dino and i broke up like a month ago (and we dated for less than 2 months, just keep that in mind)...this entire time he has been texting me asking me what it was going to take to give him another chance (fyi dino, groveling is sooooo not the way to go)...last night we hit critical mass....he even sent me a picture of his dog telling me how much she missed me....that's low buddy.

so finally he just asks if i'll ever give him another chance and i finally have to use the secret weapon, my response was no i'm interested in someone else....first he plays the martyred victim card telling me it's ok because all his girlfriends do this to him, then he gets pissed because he thinks that's the reason i broke up with him because, wow it was quick, too soon to be a coincidence

dude....we broke up weeks ago....and i never said when this interest in someone else started, it could have been yesterday for all you know...and all i said was that i was interested in someone, not dating, not sleeping with, just interested, he may not even know that i exist for all you know, it may not even be a man for all you know either....and don't treat me like a cheating bitch because i didn't cheat on you...i got over you quick is all and you helped me through that process by never giving it a rest!

yeah so what we never argued....that just means there was a ton of stuff i kept to myself...we had a great run so don't ruin those memories by being this guy....girls don't like this guy, we like that guy over there, the one we're suddenly interested in

i think a month is plenty of time to get over a 2 month relationship...it's not like i'm in another relationship because i didn't lie, i do like being single right now and i'm not trying to get myself all tangled up in a new relationship...don't assume you know things dino, it makes an ass out of you and me

i'm doing really at well at not obsessing about something..."well" for me anyways...i tend to just dive right into the things that interest me until they don't interest me anymore....and i want this thing to interest me for a long time...and things are evolving at the right pace, i think, because it feels natural yet geographically constrained....but maybe that's good otherwise it might be over by now...and i'm doing really well with the level of ambiguity because it's crazy high but that doesn't feel bad either....pretty much i'm good with anything i feel that sustains it and i'm not getting instant gratification and there's no foreseeable meat space gratification and i only have my memories and audio to keep me going

hmm...maybe this post proves that i am obsessing...oh well...i am breaking a pattern though which is always a victory

it wasn't my intention to come off as a bitch to the ex boyfriend....i just have bad timing and no social filters, ask anyone.

so sorry dino...i'm glad we can both now agree that the relationship is securely over! :)

seriously, i'm not in a bad mood or anything....but there are some things that just suck right now....for example:

the day shift sucks...my roommate sucks...my house and living arrangement sucks...the ex boy sucks...waking up at 6am sucks....not having enough hours in the day to feel productive sucks...my cell phone sucks...this crappy internet connection that i pay too much for, along with the cable and land line that i never use (and if i'm lucky my roomie actually pays and doesn't pocket the money), all that sucks...not living alone sucks...vacuum cleaners suck...not knowing what i'm doing at work sucks...people that annoy me suck...being broke sucks...being late on bills sucks...being bored sucks...not getting what i want bites...and seeing other people get what i deserve blows

but like i said i'm not in a bad mood...i'm just tired...i have good things to look forward to as well....like new friends, learning my new job and doing it well, making more money, concentrating on making myself happy and being me

but things do suck, it was a hella busy day

i got a promotion at work...i'm an orange lanyard, so tomorrow starts my team lead training and i'll get a team of fuck ups all to myself

cool beans now i don't have to answer phones anymore

but i'll probably start drinking heavily to cope

cheers!

even though i told dino we were taking a break i always meant a break that would last for forever...well he always thought i meant a break as in in the near future we would be together again and that would then turn into forever

so i had to tell him i didn't want to get back together...and in the one phrase crushed him yet again

but those of you who root for the underdog no fear! he's working to change my mind and become whatever i tell him to be....this has got to fucking stop.

now i'm starting to get pissed....dino, dude, please hate me, don't grovel....be a man, get over me by sleeping with some girl from work you know i hate or something like that, don't keep asking me what you can do to change my mind...i'm a sag and we go the opposite direction if we're told to do something...you should this know but then again we only went our for 2 months

arg.

i'm getting close to telling you exactly what really happened, don't push me

so i'm getting the idea that boys handle break ups in a very similar yet completely opposite way than girls

at least in my experience girls work on themselves after a break up, reinvent themselves, get a new look and some new stuff, and decide who they are now

it would seem that boys go get some new stuff, keep themselves busy, do all the things that you wished they had done when you were dating, and project everything onto you (making you into the bitch, him into the victim and everyone wondering what really happened)

so in case you hadn't guessed it the boy and i didn't work out and this post worked alot better in my head before i had all the wine

sorry dino...i really am...we had a good run

i went to visit my friend janelle yesterday who is the mother of nathaniel, the love of my life...well this cute little red-headed 2 1/2 yr old came to a conclusion the other day

his quote was, "my penis is my friend"

this just seems like a very real turning point in his development

just thought i'd share

my mom sent me this link....my brother is growing up....i'm so proud, i wish i had a cool job like his...


http://www.hillcountrynews.com/articles/2008/04/04/news/news33.txt

i need a vacation....i need to get out of town and relax for a few days...but it has to be really cheap cuz i'm really broke

any suggestions?

last night nique and i went to the saul williams show at ralli's (moved since the launchpad decided to lose a wall in the golden west fire). the show was great. i saw my friend josh and we met bizza, the drummer for the band dragons of zynth (the opening act for saul)

we stood outside for maybe an hour trying to get in since the bar was small and they were at capacity so the start of the show we heard from the sidewalk and we totally missed dragons of zynth

wandering around downtown after the show i ran into work people and probably discovered their scandal (management dating peons, oooh how naughty)

we decided to eat at the frontier since they close at 1 am now....it was good times

Hey Dino!!!

look here!....RIGHT here!

this is me...blogging about you...ok....are you ready?!?!

here goes....dino is the sweetest guy ever....and he's cute....and i'm really lucky to have such a wonderful boyfriend...luv ya baby!


so we good now?

;-)

irish car bombs are the bomb!

love and peace out