| Oct. 23rd, 2006 @ 12:58 am demons are persistant fucks |
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i hate wehn the demons in my head act up. i hate how i respond to them. i hate how i feel when they are around. i hate the confusion the disassociation, the solitude, anger and lonliness i feel when the breathe upon my neck.
based on the previous few statements you may assume that i have been having a horrible time here or that it is one person in particular that is weighing on me. no, it is not one person and no i am not having a horrible time here at all. its the things in my head that i'm most ashamed of that i can't stop that are driving me crazy.
i hate feeling stuck at/with other people sometimes. i hate feeling out of control or backwards.
i should run down the way things have gone so far....
thurs a.m. at 1:30 leave windsor.
thurs a.m. at 6:30 arrive in toronto and find an awaiting ba'ar (papajoemambo) with the appropriate sign. refuse to leave all my luggage in storage lockers and transport half of it through the subway system to meet up with cat to get the key to get here. go to breakfast with ba'ar, had fun got mad magazine game and a wicked book of works by the artist john bolton which he found for me. yayayyayay. get back to storage locker pick up remainder of luggage... proceed through the subway showing off hte part pack animal that i am. i had a duffle bag a rolley piece and a blanket and shopping bag to lug. two nice kind good smaritans offered to help and i let one and offered to buy her a coffee. finally get here and started prep work to go out thursday evening to a fetish party. which is around wheni found out my disappearing fat cat was avoiding me.
thursday evening. start heading out to BENT. not sure what it stands for. got on the subway going in the wrong direction (who knew dundas west was really east?) finally got going the right way, forgot to write down the exact address. oops. get to where i htink the arrow is pointing by asking for a lot of help and i was a lil frightened. it was dark and i was near a lot of factories. a lot. i called the only person i had the number for... brudder. he came and rescued me and we found our way into te party. it was a lot of fun, i got to meet a lot of people that i've been itching too.
friday early a.m. we went for chinese after the party which was a blast. had great convos, good food, overheard models discussing anorexia.. mildly amusing.
friday regular a.m. i slept in a bit and started prepping to go to hte party friday night. i was a little nervous unsure what to wear, how to act, etc etc. i went and it worked out okay. again saw more people that i wanted to meet, avoided some that i didn't... enjoyd a wonderful cigarette with kayt... bliss. brudder stayed over and i got a bit of cuddles which was good.
sat morning played magic with brudder. went to harvey's for lunch with nick & cat.... went to the sex show. it wasn't all that exciting and i was relaly nervous. tonnes of people, way too many. so i hid with brudder most of the time. went out for dinner with roo and asy had a great time. went back to sex show met up wiht Cassity and Hearse (not together) which i was happy about and knottymark who is just soo cute. i sat back and watched brudder most of hte night and started itching to play. kidnapped him again.
sun a.m. woke up, didn't want to... so lounged a good part of the day. played mad magazine game with nick while cat watched. we had plans to go to dinner & a movie with brudder. then Loki showed up. i had no major demons today until He showed up. first i couldn't find my purse then i found it. then Nick couldn't find his wallet. we tore apart the house. i suggested going and looking after clear heads... we had to stay. intellectual level i understand that. the 5 yr old in me that wants so bad to see brudder and just go out and not deal with demons, doesn't quite get it. as it got harder and harder to find the wallet nick got more and more frustrated which i can understand. brudder got to the restaurant and was going to go on without us. i cannot deny that i was upset. not at anyone particular just that i wanted to go out so bad and that i dont' get to see people much and i want to do sooo much.
finally we found it. not before demons got released. the more frustrated nick got the more i felt like .. i was back iwth my parents. i hate that. i hate that i have that fear. the need to tip toe around when people are upset. like the beast will turn it's head to you and if you just hold your breath long enough it will go away. for most of my childhood i was never hit. it was verbal.. sometimes i wish it was physical instead. then again, that is just what i remember. i want to curl up in brudders arems and just be held and cry. i'm trying so hard notto let it all bug me. not to let it interfere with my trip, with my friends with anything. i just want to feel cared for and there are so few people who i'm willing/able to let in.
we finally go to dinner and of course because i ordered steak, i got it cooked wrong, so i sent it back. it came back blue rare. i was so disgusted i couldn't eat. it was horrible. at dinner alot of the time i felt left out of convo. it was because i left myself out, but at that point, i didn't feel like going. there was one point everyone was talking about floggers and i admitted that i was trying not to htink about them because i would crave. cat pointed out brudder was right there all i had to do was ask. the worst part was, i asked the day before and nothing came of it. i'm craving horribly for so much in a town of kinky people and the two i trust to beat me either won't or can't. at least not yet. then we went ot the movies and i felt left out again. i'm sure again by my own doing. i relaly am. i just sometimes feel like i try to hard to be social and everything in me tonight just wanted to be caressed softly and told i'm a good girl. that wasn't happening.
tomorrow i'm spending a portion of the day by myself. i hope the demons won't take over and ruin it. i have plans to go to the Royal ONtario Musem (ROM) Northbound leather, and to see ba'ar at work. hopefully all will go well. my stomach has been doing crazy things as well, hopefully that iwll end soon.
i'm hoping to go out to a bar tomorrow... hopefully. tuesday is supposed to be movies iwth ba'ar and mebbe orb-e if ba'ar doesn't mind me doubling up my tuesday plans.. i have to talk to him about it tomorrow.. unless he reads this first. hopefully i get to see brudder again tomorrow.
and i think i'm done for the night, i feel better. and if i offended anyone.. sorry... tried to say over and over, it's not at anyone but myself and my past. |
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