| NEW BLOG |
[12 Aug 2007|01:14am] |
After about seven years using LiveJournal, I'm moving my blog to a new location. I'm doing this in hopes of eventually gaining more exposure, and I'm going to focus my posts on world events/politics/pop culture. I may still use LJ from time to time to post stuff about my personal life, which my new blog will not have.
Another perk to the new blog: Anybody can comment. This was becoming a problem because people who aren't LJ users were reading my posts but couldn't comment.
The new blog is at: http://hairyalpaca.blogspot.com/ (click here to go there)
I started it off with my most recent LJ post to kick it off. I'll be adding links and other stuff as time goes by. I'll also try to update it more regularly.
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[11 Aug 2007|01:53pm] |
It's one thing to have right-wing evangelical crazies in Congress. Inevitable, right? The disturbing thing is that they don't even try to hide it anymore.
From Crooks and Liars, probably via a bunch of other sites:
A few weeks ago, the Senate invited a Hindu leader to deliver the daily invocation. Apparently, this has sent Idaho’s Bill Sali (R) over the edge.
“We have not only a Hindu prayer being offered in the Senate, we have a Muslim member of the House of Representatives now, Keith Ellison from Minnesota. Those are changes — and they are not what was envisioned by the Founding Fathers,” asserts Sali.
Sali says America was built on Christian principles that were derived from scripture. He also says the only way the United States has been allowed to exist in a world that is so hostile to Christian principles is through “the protective hand of God.”
“You know, the Lord can cause the rain to fall on the just and the unjust alike,” says the Idaho Republican.
According to Congressman Sali, the only way the U.S. can continue to survive is under that protective hand of God. He states when a Hindu prayer is offered, “that’s a different god” and that it “creates problems for the longevity of this country.”
Well! All I"ve got to say is it's a damn good thing Mr. Sali's comments are completely supported by that section in the Constitution that outlines the importance of Christianity in our democracy. Right, congressman? Right?
Hmmm.
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[27 Jul 2007|11:59pm] |
This is blatently stolen from Digg.com, but nevertheless there is some side-splitting hilarity going on over at Exposingsatanism.org, and I would be criminally negligent if I didn't bring it up. For instance, an intrepid writer at the site, a god-fearing crusader by the name of Lurlene Tyranna Shores, informs us of what is really going on in the Harry Potter books (which, admittedly, I have never read). She says:
"I have heard many bad things about these books and movies, there would be countless instances of witchcraft, cursing, brewing of drugs made by boiling alive babies pulled from the earth, sexual congress with goats and many more things not fit for young readers' and viewers' eyes, but what I found was much worse still than I had feared."
Based on this women's limited comprehension and writing skills, I'm guessing that she didn't make it past ninth grade, where she would assuredly have learned that babies do not come from the earth, but from the vagina. Her argument is a solid case for sex education and an even better case for birth control.
She goes on to describe what can only be interpreted as a vast conspiracy of the books' evil intentions, most of which allege that Harry Potter is tantamount to Satanism, but none of which I personally find worse than fucking a goat. Then again, perhaps I'm just being subjective. Off the top of my head, speaking philisophically as well as practically, I can't imagine there being anything in Harry Potter worse than sexual congress with a goat.
She even manages to involve Hillary Clinton, who we all know to be clinically boring but most likely not the Anti-Christ:
"A phoenix, favourite symbol of Freemasons like Hilary Clinton, a bird born from fire and with feathers the color of hellish flames, red, gold, orange and yellow (not coincidentally also the colors of Potter's house in the school) comes to Potter's aid."
Anyway, you need to read it to get the full effect (click me to read). Personally, I come from the experience more convinced that this world is batshit crazy.
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| Say George, what's that foot doing in your mouth? |
[12 Jul 2007|10:49am] |
The president quickly learns the difference between the White House press corps and a teenager, but in the process looks like a complete asshole; hilarity ensues
From the AP:
Although his biting sarcasm in response to unfriendly questions can make members of the White House press corps grumble under their breath, President Bush got a different reaction from a 13-year-old girl who asked him about immigration during a forum in Ohio.
The Washington Times reports Jessica Hackerd was left in tears after Bush gave her a wry "yeah, thanks" in response to her query, drawing laughter from the crowd of 400 in Brecksville, Ohio Tuesday. Bush immediately began to backpedal when he saw the reaction from Hackerd, who told the Times she was crying because she is very shy and was nervous questioning the president.
"No, it's a great question. No, I appreciate that," Bush said, before giving a more-than-1,100-word answer about the death of his immigration bill.
The 13-year-old, who was at the forum with her parents and younger sister, continued to wipe tears from her eyes for several minutes, the Times reported, and Bush again tried to encourage the young girl.
"It's a great question by the way, and I'm glad you asked it," he said.
After the appearance, a Bush aide ushered Jessica and her family backstage to meet with the president.
"He said it was really brave of me to do that and he said he probably wouldn't have been able to do that," Jessica told the Times. "And he said it was the first time anybody had asked him about [immigration] since it happened."
It's just a damn good thing Cheney wasn't up there. Certainly his response would have been: "Go fuck yourself, little girl! We're at war!"
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[10 Jul 2007|04:26pm] |
This just in! Cardinal Ratfucker says to millions of fellow Christians: "My church can beat up your church! Neener-neener-neener!" Meanwhile, back at the Vatican, Catholic religious scholars search in vain for the part of the Bible that says, "And on the 10th day, God created child molesters. And it was good."
From the AP:
LORENZAGO DI CADORE, Italy — Pope Benedict XVI reasserted the primacy of the Roman Catholic Church, approving a document released Tuesday that says other Christian communities are either defective or not true churches and Catholicism provides the only true path to salvation.
The statement brought swift criticism from Protestant leaders. ‘‘It makes us question whether we are indeed praying together for Christian unity,’’ said the World Alliance of Reformed Churches, a fellowship of 75 million Protestants in more than 100 countries.
The commentary repeated church teaching that says the Catholic Church ‘‘has the fullness of the means of salvation.’’
‘‘Christ ‘established here on earth’ only one church,’’ said the document released as the pope vacations at a villa in Lorenzago di Cadore, in Italy’s Dolomite mountains.
The other communities ‘‘cannot be called ‘churches’ in the proper sense’’ because they do not have apostolic succession — the ability to trace their bishops back to Christ’s original apostles — and therefore their priestly ordinations are not valid, it said.
You just can't make this shit up, folks. It's comedy fucking gold.
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[01 Jul 2007|09:44pm] |
An amusing and depressing look by James Kilpatrick at a ludicrous Supreme Court decision behind the cut.
( Click me for fun times! )
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[01 Jul 2007|12:15am] |
Warning: Communist liberal dogma follows:
From the "Well, No Shit" desk, a new poll finds that an increasing number of Americans believe that gays and lesbians can't change their sexual orientation at will.
Fifty-six percent of about 515 poll respondents said they do not believe sexual orientation can be changed. In 2001, 45 percent of those responding to a CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll held that belief. In 1998, according to a CNN/Time poll, the number was 36 percent.
In addition, 42 percent of respondents to the current poll said they believe homosexuality results from upbringing and environment, while 39 percent said they believe it is something a person is born with -- a close division that reflects the national debate over the issue.
However, those numbers are greatly changed from the 1970s and '80s, in which fewer than 20 percent of Americans said a person is born homosexual. In a 1977 poll, the number was 13 percent.
Ten percent in the latest poll said they believe both factors play a role in someone's homosexuality. Three percent said neither, and 6 percent had no opinion.
Predictably, we can probably expect that religious groups will step over each other to say that Americans who believe sexual orientation is determined by biology and not psychology are misinformed, evil, sinful, reprehensible, despicable.
See, to acknowledge that sexual orientation is not a choice would be to admit that it is inherently determined in every human. For those who believe that God was in charge of creating humans, a biologically gay person is in itself a contradiction of God, especially if God is dogmatically opposed to homosexuality. That is a very slippery slope, as it ultimately leads to questions such as: Does God really exist? How can the Bible say God is against homosexuality if God created gay people? Does this dress make me look fat?
Personally, I think it's insulting to say sexual orientation is a choice. It just doesn't add up. I've heard the argument go that social elements influence people to the point of, how you say, switching teams. But I'm pretty sure that if I was around dog fuckers a lot, I wouldn't become a dog fucker. Why? Because I don't like to fuck dogs. I'm not attracted to furry assholes. I'm pretty sure something deeply and biologically ingrained in my brain would have to tell me, "Hey! You like dog fucking! Get on that!"
I'm by no means comparing bestiality to homosexuality in a practical sense, but because some people undoubtedly believe that a man fucking a dog is better than a man fucking a man, I think it applies.
I like girls; always have. I don't think there was ever a point where I looked at a girl, then looked at a boy, and thought to myself, "Gee, it's a toughy, but I think I'm gonna go for the one with the boobs." I just knew I liked girls. And this was at a time when, if anything, social pressure was telling me that I HAD to like girls. So not only did I have a biological urge toward girls, but I have a strong social pressure in that direction.
But who knows. It's not a question that can be answered with any certainty. And not being gay myself, I can't attest to the feelings involved. But for now, I'll take the word of millions of gay people over religious groups who clearly have a vested interest in convincing people that being gay is a choice.
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[29 Jun 2007|10:32pm] |
You really have to read this story a few times to fully understand exactly what happened, but after you do I trust much hilarity will ensue:
EVERETT, Wash. — A Seattle man has pleaded guilty to hitting a pet store employee with his car as she tried to save a duck.
Sentencing is scheduled Aug. 16 for Kenneth Blaine Quinlan, 35. He pleaded guilty Wednesday to vehicular assault and other charges.
Snohomish County Deputy Prosecutor Paul Stern said he’ll seek the maximum penalty of three years and seven months in prison.
According to court papers, on March 23, Quinlan and his then-girlfriend drove to a Lynnwood shopping center, where he entered one store and she went into a Petco store, taking her pet duck with her.
Stern wrote in court papers that a security guard thought he saw Quinlan attempt to take an iPod speaker system, and a scuffle ensued.
As Quinlan tried to flee in his car, he backed into his girlfriend, who dropped the duck, Mr. Peepers.
A Petco employee ran to save the duck.
Quinlan drove forward, hitting the woman and breaking bones in her foot and ankle.
The girlfriend and the duck were OK.
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| I use puns to tell a story and die a little inside |
[22 Jun 2007|11:42pm] |
(From multiple news outlets)
So there was this woman, right. A grandmother. And damned if she didn't think voting laws in Washington make it too easy for those pesky noncitizens to vote. She apparently felt very strongly about this, being old and all, and she probably didn't have much else to do. So she came up with a brilliant scheme: Protest the rules by registering her dog to vote. So she put her phone number under the dog's name, Duncan M. MacDonald, and used the utility bill to make him a BONE-ified (HAHA, get it?!?!?!) caster of the ballots in the great state of Washington.
And, in the space on the ballot where a signature should go, she left an imprint of his paw. (awwwww, how cute!)
Anyway, an election worker, undoubtedly flummoxed, took PAUSE (HAHAHA!!!) at the dirty paw print that replaced what should have been a human signature. But, like any hardworking government employee, he waited until the dog had voted three times before he contacted, like, the authorities. To be fair, the dog's votes never actually counted, because the woman wrote "VOID" on the actual ballot, but still her point was made. Three times.
Prosecutors, who probably thought the whole affair was pretty DOGGONE funny (!!!!!!) but nonetheless had a bone to pick, offered to charge her with a misdemeanor instead of a felony as long as she agrees to stop letting her fucking dog exercise the most fundamental right in American democracy.
The moral of the story is that if you're going to commit felony voter fraud, you'd damn well better be a war veteran grandmother with a clever idea and a dog named Duncan. Oh, and if you're an ELECTION WORKER and you don't want to look like a complete JACKASS you might consider trying to stop a dog from voting before the third election rolls around. Just.. I dunno, a thought.
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[11 Jun 2007|09:30pm] |
I'm gonna go ahead and let this one speak for itself. I'll only say this: Brook, I think it's time to give Jack some "special training."
From the Sydney Morning Herald:
"Two Thai street mutts who became ace sniffer dogs at an airport near the notorious Golden Triangle opium-producing region have been fired for urinating on luggage and sexually harassing female passengers.
The pair, Mok and Lai, had been plucked from obscurity under a program initiated by King Bhumibol Adulyadej to turn strays into police dogs, the Bangkok Post said.
Although they won plaudits from police for their work in sniffing out drugs at northern Thailand's Chiang Rai airport, near the border with Laos and Burma, so many passengers complained about their behaviour they had to be fired.
"He liked to pee on luggage while searching for drugs inside," Mok's former handler, Police Lieutenant Colonel Jakapop Kamhon, said. "He also liked to hold on to women's legs."
"Both were just as good as foreign dogs trained for use in drug missions," he added. "But they were stray dogs, so their manners were worse than those of foreign breeds."
Mok and Lai now work on a farm, herding chickens and pigs, the paper said."
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[09 Jun 2007|10:25pm] |
I'm not really sure what's in the water over there in Utah, but apparently it invokes a righteous batch of the crazies. I refer, of course, to prosecutors in Salt Lake City, who charged an 8-year-old boy with lewd conduct with a minor after his 14-year-old babysitter dared him to touch her breasts (the charges have since been dropped):
"The sexual conduct occurred during a game of “truth or dare” while the boy was being watched by the babysitter.
Prosecutors say that, while the babysitter initiated the contact, the young boy was a willing participant.
“She dared my son to touch her breasts,” says Michelle Grosbeck, the boy’s mother.
After hiring the teenager to baby sit, Grosbeck got the feeling something was wrong.
“It was just that sense that something wasn’t quite right with this 14-year-old girl,” she said. She asked her son what had happened. “He just came right out as if nothing was awry, and just started talking about what had happened.”
Grosbeck went to police and child protection workers, and the case went to the district attorney, after which her son, age eight, had been charged with an act of lewdness with a minor.
Grosbeck says the Salt Lake County District Attorney told her both the child and teenager were equal participants. But Mrs. Grosbeck didn’t believe that."
There's only two possible theories about this story: One, something is being left out, and we're not actually getting the whole story; or two, the prosecutor is simply batshit crazy.
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[07 Jun 2007|11:02pm] |
From the AP:
"LOS ANGELES — Just one day after being sprung from jail early, heiress Paris Hilton may be headed back to her cold hard cell.
Outraged by officials’ decision to release the socialite after just three days in jail, an angry prosecutor is hauling her before a judge on Friday morning.
‘‘We cannot tolerate a two-tiered jail system where the rich and powerful receive special treatment,’’ said Los Angeles City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo, the prosecutor who handled her case."
The only thing more fucking awesome than Paris Hilton going to jail is Paris Hilton going to jail, being released after three days because she couldn't handle sitting in an empty room for 23 hours a day, and then being sent back to jail! Seriously, I'm crying tears of pure joy, and my coworkers are starting to look at me weird. God, I owe you one. BIG TIME.
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[06 Jun 2007|09:16pm] |
This is pretty awesome (from some stupid newspaper somewhere):
"CHELSEA – A woman facing jail time for "staring" at a police dog had charges against her dropped Monday after an Orange County prosecutor viewed videotape of the alleged crime.
Jayna Hutchinson, now of Lebanon, N.H., was scheduled for a jury trial this week on a misdemeanor charge of cruelty to animals.
A Vermont State Police sergeant said Hutchinson was intoxicated and stared at his police dog in a "taunting/harassing manner" last July while officers were in the process of investigating a reported melee outside a West Fairlee establishment."
She was staring at the dog in a "taunting/harassing manner"? It's a fucking vicious attack animal! You're probably not going to hurt its FEELINGS. I don't think a police beast, armed with razor sharp teeth and a thirst for criminals, will really be intimidated by a drunken woman. Am I wrong here?
Apparently, the charges were dropped because the prosecutor, in all his infinite wisdom, realized that you probably would have a hard time proving that making eye contact is tantamount to cruelty. I guess that concept was a little too complicated for the arresting officer.
Now, if Shatner was staring at the dog, I might feel differently. I don't know about you, but just a glance from Shatner I would have "shat" my pants:
Also, the headline to the story made me vomit a little in my mouth: "Animal cruelty case yields 'doggone' dismissal." That copy editor should be canned from his job and set on fire. Seriously, my profession is filled with these idiots. It's depressing.
Moving on: Life is awesome, or shitty, or mediocre, or [insert adjective here] depending, most of the time, on the time of day, what I'm wearing, and whether or not I'm eating a beef taco. My job has kind of devolved into me trying to write the kind of headlines that I classify as "awesomely bad." The category includes free use of the worst puns you've ever heard, perfect alliteration, lack of verbs, and plays on words using "Alpaca." Beyond that, I roll my eyes until they fall out of my skull and gain weight.
If this isn't living, I just don't want to be alive.
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[25 May 2007|11:57pm] |
I was rather floored when I read this story off the AP wire:
"LUCASVILLE, Ohio -- Death penalty opponents called on the state to halt executions after prison staff struggled to find suitable veins on a condemned man's arm to deliver the lethal chemicals.
The execution team stuck Christopher Newton at least 10 times with needles Thursday to insert the shunts where the chemicals are injected.
He died at 11:53 a.m., nearly two hours after the scheduled start of his execution at the Southern Ohio Correctional Facility. The process typically takes about 20 minutes."
I couldn't imagine what it would be like for the poor bastard to be sitting there, awaiting his mortal demise while executioners searched in vain (haha, get it?) for an appropriate spot on his arm to stick in the death needle. I mean, if that's not cruel, I'm not sure what IS cruel. But then I read this part of the story:
"But Newton, who had insisted on the death penalty as punishment and made no attempt to appeal, chatted and laughed with prison staff throughout the delay. It took so long that the staff paused to allow Newton a bathroom break."
A fucking bathroom break? WHY? It is common knowledge, according to South Park, that you crap your pants when you die! So what's the point? I was really boggled at this point, and I didn't think it could get any more bizarre. UNTIL I SAW HIS PICTURE.
Put a white beard and a red cap on him and he'd be Santa. Dammit Ohio, you killed Santa. You fuckers!
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[23 May 2007|02:13pm] |
From Macworld:
"High street adult retailer Ann Summers has landed itself in a heap of trouble with Apple.
The retail chain has been promoting a £30 sex toy called the iGasm, a device which connects to any music player and offers users an erotic vibrating treat in time to the beat.
A News of the World report claims Apple is furious about Ann Summer's promotion of the device, and is demanding all posters for the gadget be taken down, under threat of court action.
The neon-pink posters depict an underwear-clad female silhouette holding an oval white device with two cables - one connected to a pair of white headphones, the other heading down toward the female's knickers.
The sales pitch urges music fans to: "Go at it hard and fast with a pounding drum 'n' bass track or chill with an ambient classic."
Apple is claiming the ad to be an abuse of the silhouette-based images it uses in its own advertising.
Ann Summers hasn't bowed to Apple's threats, the report explains."
Um, awesome.
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[19 May 2007|12:15am] |
People: Break up with your girlfriends (or boyfriends), quit your jobs and steal a better computer, because Blizzard just announced Starcraft 2.
!!!!!!
I'd provide a link, but I'm at work and all the gaming sites are blocked.
!!!!!!
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[17 May 2007|12:33am] |
From the AP:
"LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Paris Hilton will serve about half of her 45-day jail sentence and will be separated from the general inmate population, authorities said.
The hotel heiress will spend about 23 days in a "special needs housing unit" at the Century Regional Detention Center in suburban Lynwood, Los Angeles County sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore said.
Her sentence was shortened after jail officials gave her credit for good behavior, Whitmore said. Officials considered several factors in calculating the credit, including that she appeared for her latest court date, he said.
Hilton will stay in a unit that contains 12 two-person cells reserved for police officers, public officials, celebrities and other high-profile inmates, he said."
Wait a fucking minute here. She's getting a cut in her sentence for good behavior before she even starts serving it? That's bullshit. Also, since when is bothering to show up to your court date considered "good behavior"? Showing up to your court date should be considered following the fucking law. If authorities expected that people will inherently NOT show up to their court dates, then I could see how showing up would be considered "good behavior." If authorities really want her to learn her lesson, they'll toss her in with the child molesters and murderers. Maybe that will give her a quick reality check that being a rich skank doesn't mean you can get tanked and drive around like a drunken circus monkey.
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[15 May 2007|10:41am] |
From the AP:
"LYNCHBURG, Va. (AP) - A Liberty University executive says the Rev. Jerry Falwell has died.
Falwell was hospitalized in "gravely serious" condition after being found unconscious Tuesday in his office at Liberty University, a school executive said earlier."
Far be it from me to mock or criticize the recently departed, much as I would like to. I'll just remind you that this is the man who told fellow maniac Pat Robertson, regarding the Sept. 11 attacks:
"And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.' "
I'll let history judge him.
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