Hey, who wants to see an All Our Noise article I wrote about the Ramones?

http://www.allournoise.com/2008/07/album-birthday-ramones

1. What movie have you seen the most times in the theater? How many times?
I saw Grindhouse in the theater three times. Good choice on my part since a proper DVD release still doesn't exist.

2. What was the last movie you walked out of in the theater?
I almost walked out on The Savages but I was too bored to move. I like Laura Linney, I like Philip Seymour Hoffman... but that movie sucked boring, dreary, boring ass.

3. What is the first movie you remember seeing in a theater?
E.T., and the projector broke midway through, establishing a pattern that the rest of my life has regularly lived up to.

4. What is your favorite movie soundtrack?
I dunno, Trainspotting.

5. Have you ever dressed up as a movie character for Halloween? If so, who?
Yeah-- Dr. Strangelove one year, then John Bender from The Breakfast Club another. Hey, here's a picture.


6. What was the first R-rated movie you ever saw? Were you allowed or did you sneak?
I'm pretty sure it was the original Nightmare On Elm Street, at an elementary-school sleepover. I thought it was the funniest movie I'd ever seen, especially the part where Johnny Depp gets pureed by his mattress.

7. Star Wars (orig. trilogy) or Lord of the Rings?
Weird as it seems, I haven't even seen the LOTR movies. But when I was a kid, I would take my Kenner action figures of Yoda, Chewbacca, and Bib Fortuna, and I'd place them on my orange plastic Fisher-Price turntable, and then I'd turn it on so they'd spin around and get violently clotheslined by the needle. Because of the hours and hours of entertainment that this provided, Star Wars wins. Also, I have a master tape of 70's/80's Saturday-morning commercials for every action figure/playset ever produced from the original trilogy; they play pretty much in consecutive order for 45 minutes and are wildly more entertaining than the actual movie without missing a single one of its story beats. Also, for some reason Darth Vader or any other villain is always puppeted by the black kid. It's fucked up.

8. Pacino or De Niro?
I usta love De Niro, but that was pre-Meet the Fockers / The Fan / Showtime / anything else he's done in the last decade and a half (except Jackie Brown, in which he's perfect). Pacino wins for Dog Day Afternoon, because that was before he started screaming every line at the top of his lungs. Thanks for turning him, hacky-ass De Palma. You suck.

9. Titanic...did it suck or was it great?
Neither. It was a Best Picture recipient, which is pretty much the only thing it was designed to be. Like eating styrofoam.

10. What's your take on Cassavetes?
Oh look, a Le Tigre reference. How droll.

11. Favorite John Hughes character?
John Bender again, but only the edited-for-television version that says "Eat my socks." And the vulgar fatass in Home Alone who says, "If you want cheese pizza, someone's gonna hafta barf it up." Also, the titular baby from Baby's Day Out. They don't write parts like that for babies no more.

12. What movie gives you a boner (or makes you tingle)?
I know it's a cliche to say it, but this one:


13. What movie always makes you cry like the big puss you are?
None really, but if nobody else is in the room, I'll be visibly moved by the endings of Pan's Labyrinth, Nashville, and It's A Wonderful Life.

14. What's the furthest you've ever gotten in a movie theater? (i.e, second base...)
None of yer beeswax.

15. Speaking of sports metaphors, what's your favorite sports movie?
Raging Bull.

16. Favorite
(a)... teen movie?
Real Genius, Election, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Over the Edge, Ghost World, and Battle Royale.

(b)...Quentin Tarantino movie?
Jackie Brown and Death Proof (that's right, and fuck you).

(c)...Bill Murray movie?
The one where he says, "It's true-- this man has no dick." But when I was 14 or so I would watch What About Bob? nine times a day.

(d)...romantic comedy?
Annie Hall. For God's sake Alvy, even Freud speaks of a latency period.

(e)...gangster movie?
GoodFellas. Favorite movie of any category.

(f)...horror movie?
Return of the Living Dead, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Suspiria, The Beyond, John Carpenter's The Thing, The Exorcist, Friday the 13th Pt. IV: The Final Chapter, Sleepaway Camp, Night of the Creeps, An American Werewolf In London.

(g)...made for TV movie?
Remember that mid-80's Wonderful World of Disney movie where the hot-shot astronaut switched bodies with a charismatic chimp? It was called Hero in the Family. It just barely trumps Mr. Boogedy.

(h)...director?
Robert Altman, Martin Scorsese, the Coens, Billy Wilder, Woody Allen up until about the mid-90's.

(i)...drug movie?
Dazed & Confused, advertised primarily as a drug movie even though it's really not. But there's a lot o' beer.

17. What movie have you seen already but will never, ever, ever watch again?
2005 Best Picture Winner Crash. Condescending, reductive, self-congratulatory horseshit (with an inexplicable Tony Danza cameo).

18. What movie are you embarrassed to really like?
None, really. I've got a vintage Class Of 1984 poster on my apartment wall, fer God's sake.

19. What movie should be remade asap?
No movie should be "remade" so much as "refurbished and re-released with dozens of kooky CGI animal pals added in their periphery." I can't watch Casablanca ever since that fateful day I realized Rick's bar desperately needed a bowtie-wearing, foul-mouthed dolphin bartender to make the story accessible to today's audiences.

20. What the F happened to (insert answer)? He used to be so damn funny!
Don Knotts.

21. For the love of everything that's sacred, please someone stop (insert answer) from making another movie!
mechmuertos.

What movie do all your friends love but you think is whatevs?
The wacky 1989 Bronson Pinchot/John Larroquette telekinesis comedy Second Sight. I know everyone thinks it's awesome, but I feel it drags a bit in the third act.

23. What movie do you love but all your friends think is whatevs?
The one I made with willie_randolph and mechmuertos, Every Rob Zombie Movie Ever:


24. If you could hump/date/marry any movie character, who would it be?
My original choice would be Zooey Deschanel in anything. But then I found out that she usta date Chris Kattan, so she's dead to me now. So I'll hump Audrey Tautou, Linnea Quigley, and Asia Argento instead.

25. Best movie ever?
Well, it hasn't been released yet, but the British yacht-based sex thriller Donkey Punch looks to be a classic spine-tingler.

26. Book you wish would be made into a movie, and who would direct it?
The very, very unpublished book I just wrote, PUNK HOVEL. I don't know who would direct it, but Dad Gripp would be played by Fred Armisen.

The Boston Phoenix just posted this authoritative list of the best all-time bands, best new bands, and best all-time solo acts from each of the fifty states (at least one of whose members has totally made out with istealcookies). Pretty interesting to sift through, somewhat less interesting when I cut n' paste their decisions. But I will anyway. Take a look, see if they got your state right or not, and git proprietary.

Alabama
All-Time Best Band: The Louvin Brothers
All-Time Best Solo Artist: Hank Williams
Band You Need to Hear, Like, Now: Wild Sweet Orange

Alaska
All-Time Best Band: The Long Winters
All-Time Best Solo Artist: Agafon Krukoff
Best New Band: Portugal. The Man

Arizona
All-Time Best Band: Sun City Girls
All-Time Best Solo Artist: Stevie Nicks
Best New Band: Lymbyc Systym

Arkansas
All-Time Best Band: Black Oak Arkansas
All-Time Best Solo Artist: Johnny Cash
Best New Band: Gossip ("new" seems to be interpreted loosely on that one)

California
All-Time Best Band: The Beach Boys
All-Time Best Solo Artist: Dr. Dre
Best New Band: Health

Colorado
All-Time Best Band: Apples in Stereo
All-Time Best Solo Artist: Jello Biafra
Best New Band: DeVotchKa

Connecticut
All-Time Best Band: The Carpenters
All-Time Best Solo Artist: Liz Phair
Best New Band: MGMT

Delaware
All-Time Best Band: Television
All-Time Best Solo Artist: George Thorogood
Best New Band: The Spinto Band

Florida
All-Time Best Band: Lynyrd Skynyrd
All-Time Best Solo Artist: Tom Petty
Best New Band: Torche

Georgia
All-Time Best Band: R.E.M.
All-Time Best Solo Artist: Ray Charles
Best New Band: The Black Lips
( Read more... )

Vote for as many as you need to.
Poll #1216891 The Perils of Network TV-Watchin'
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

Which TV commercial character most richly deserves to be kicked down a flight of stairs?

GIVE ME FRUITY PEBBLES AND I’LL LET U RIDE MY BIKE:
Barney Rubble Co-Opts Black Musician Culture To Steal Breakfast Cereal

In 1955, Pat Boone’s first Billboard number-one single was a constipated white-bread cover of Fats Domino’s “Ain’t That A Shame.” (True legend: Boone’s producers talked him out of titling his version “Isn’t That A Shame” in his unremitting disgust for Domino’s improper grammar.) The man’s career flourished as southern Pentecostals instantly preferred his Baptist covers of blues-shouts 45’s by the likes of Little Richard, Big Joe Turner, and Nat King Cole; many of Boone’s versions even outsold the originals. But one or two things have changed in our cultural landscape since the mid-50’s: these days Boone continues to fume at young musicians’ disrespect for George W. Bush, while many of the rest of us are welcoming our first African-American major-party Presidential candidate in our nation’s history. Isn’t that a shame, Pat?

It would be easy to dismiss Boone’s 1950’s cultural dominance as primitive. Unfortunately, there has been a thief of more contemporary black American musicianship; someone almost as square and pasty as Boone, but more primitive still. To his credit, of course, he’s an animated caveman … not interested so much in Billboard chart dominance as he is in dazzling his next-door neighbor with the mystic allure of black artists’ pop-cultural awesomeness long enough to steal a bowl of Fruity and/or Cocoa Pebbles and running off into the sunset.

In his pursuit of Fred Flintstone’s all-too-attainable breakfast, Barney Rubble occasionally imitated white artists as well; he once notably crooned out a raspy number as pompadoured blue-collar hero “Rock Rockstone,” and on another occasion he sported a multicolored Mohawk and pogo’d around Fred’s breakfast table snarling “Shake it shake it shake it, shake it in your bowl” in an anarchic Cockney accent while Dino accompanied him on a stone-age keytar (this is true). But here are three major examples in which Barney’s cereal jones takes things to an arguably more racist level.

1. Jam Master Barney (1989)

It’s worth pointing out early on that each of Barney’s efforts outdate their inspiration by approximately three years, which might be how long it took for a not-particularly-kid-oriented act like Run D.M.C. to penetrate Saturday-morning culture in the eighties. Of course, the Flintstones characters living in a prehistoric era sort of screws with that timeline in its own right, but it wasn’t until 1989 (probably during a Saturday-morning airing of Rude Dog and the Dweebs) that Barney blatantly stole Run D.M.C.’s act. It’s Fred, however, who opts to be illin’ by scratching out a turntable rhythm with a pterodactyl beak.



2. Pebble Rain (1986)

Now this is bizarre. In 1986, Fruity Pebbles introduced purple nuggets —“grape,” they dubiously claimed – and the logic followed that Barney should lust over the cereal’s new Purple Flavor by draping himself in sequined frills and imitating Purple Rain-era Prince. Fred is incredulous at the motorbike-straddling appearance of the androgynous singer at his breakfast table (gasping out only “Say, aren’t you --?,” undoubtedly for legal purposes), until Barney’s rhinestoned purple wig is eaten, inspiring Fred to antagonism of Morris Day-like proportions. Unfortunately, Barney’s vocal impersonation omits the provocative falsetto squeals and moans and OW-uh’s that really would have lent his disguise more credibility.



3. M.C. Rubble (1992)

Barney is a more fluid dancer here than he has been in the past, upgrading his efforts in time with 1992’s increased visibility of PG-rated rappers on M-TV. Here, Barney portrays slick hip-hop dancer “C.D. Rapper,” rhythmically urging “Fruity Fruity Pebbles, here I come / I’ll teach ya to dance if ya gimme some.” This doesn’t work any better for Barney than his transparent Prince / D.M.C. guises but fortunately, as a YouTube commenter so shrewdly points out, “oh shit the Parachute pants saved Barney's life oh my god that shit gut busting LOL.”



(P.S. It was around this same time that Hammer himself starred in a fast food commercial which had much the same punchline; he and his posse – including the dude with the weird-ass hair-- plummeted off a building ledge, but their gigantic pants inflated and served as a flotation device that gently set them down before a monolithic glowing Taco Bell. On a personal note, I remember a kid from camp who brought and wore his Hammerpants nonstop throughout the entire week, on nature hikes and everything. This was in 1990, a full two years before Barney felt it would be timely to throw on some Hammerpants himself.)

This race-baiting Fruity Pebbles trend seems to have come to a close in the newer Pebbles commercials I’ve been able to dredge from YouTube. We are a more enlightened people these days, and while it doesn’t carry the weight of the shift in Fruity Pebbles trends, Obama’s candidacy supports this. Also, it’s simply in the interest of better taste that we have been spared a weed-saturated Snoop Barney or a Fiddy-Cent Barney with a bullet wound for each fruity flavor (to say nothing of a Wesley Willis Barney).

Pat Boone and Barney Rubble deserve each other.

Anybody have any good MP3's to post/share?

I need new music to keep me occupied until my economic stimulus check decides to show up. Until then, it's all about being a shut-in with the iTunes shuffle and not being able to pay for shit.

Also, dehumidifier just sent me this and it's pretty much changed my life already. If you ever thought "Another Brick In the Wall Pt. 2" wasn't homoerotic, terrifying, or German enough, this might help fill the void.



That weird slo-mo baby scares the shit out of me.

Oh, good one, guys. NOW NO ONE GETS TO PLAY WITH IT.

comeuppance: Someone acting like an arrogant dick and then accidentally hurting themselves is still the cheapest form of entertainment available.

fetching vulnerability: Badass punk-rock chicas in their bandolier-belts and skull-print undies are awesome to look at, but then their pent-up insecurities come out in unpleasant ways like throwing a stereo at your head while you sleep. Fetchingly vulnerable girls are way better. I like going out with those. (See illustration)

gallows humor: My dad is a coroner and this has probably made me a wee bit macabre.

not-listing-"sex"-as-an-lj-interest: Ohhhh, so I see you've listed "sex" as an interest, there. Sure makes you the unique one, being interested in sex and all. You are one outrageously provocative little devil, yet your candor makes me feel like I've known you all my life.

Vestron Video: Distributors of some of the greatest crappy movies the 80's had to offer, with plenty of staticky, superdated trailers for even crappier ones preceding the feature presentations on preserved VHS's. I like the ones where someone snarls something like "You, William Zabka, are one baaad son of a--" and then it cuts to something blowing up, leaving us wondering what crazily scandalous word that guy might possibly have used to finish his sentence. Some of the Vestron selections also feature that anti-blow PSA where badly superimposed CGI cars, stereos, and houses float beneath a close-up of someone's nose and get snorted violently up the nostril, until the person realizes what drugs have done to their life, and a single tear rolls down the side of the nose. I'm not a big enough fan to get the Vestron "V" logo tattooed on my arm, as my Iconic Video Store co-worker friend Joel did around 2003 (he also got the "thorn" tattoo from the later, shittier Halloween sequels tatted on his wrist). But that doesn't mean I don't love 'em.

watchin'-altman-movies-with-the-subtitles-on: This way I can tell what's being said when Shelley Duvall, Tim Robbins, Elliot Gould, George Segal, Ned Beatty, Lyle Lovett, Henry Gibson, Paul Dooley, Julie Christie, Keith Carradine, and Lily Tomlin are all mumbling simultaneous overlapped non sequiturs. And it's usually pretty funny.

zombie-movies-as-political-allegory: Romero's Night of the Living Dead is an allegorial statement on racism, Dawn of the Dead on consumerism, Day of the Dead on military spending, Land of the Dead on the disappearing middle class. Also, Return of the Living Dead II is a statement about throwing an over-aggressive severed hand out of your car window and then having the severed hand flip you off.

Lemme know and I'll give you a list of seven of your interests for you to write about, too. I just keep paying it forward.

This will never not be funny.

It's my niece-to-be's third birthday this weekend so I bought some Dora The Explorer stickers and then made this mix for her. She's gotta learn about mentally ill man-child composers sometime in life, and it may as well be from me, the designated Weird-Ass Uncle. I also had Belle & Sebastian's "Another Sunny Day" on there until I remembered they say "fuck" in it.

1. Hey There Fancypants - Ween
2. Judy Is A Punk - The Ramones
3. Woo Hoo - The 5.6.7.8's
4. All I Want Is You - Barry Louis Polisar
5. Sad Sac & Tarzan - Daniel Johnston
6. Hey Bulldog - The Beatles
7. I'm Into Something Good - Herman's Hermits
8. Samantha Secret Agent - All Girl Summer Fun Band
9. Mandan Dink - Death Vessel
10. People Take Pictures Of Each Other - The Kinks
11. Spider-Man Theme - The Ramones
12. The Swimming Song - Loudon Wainwright III
13. We're Going To Be Friends - The White Stripes
14. Sunday Morning - The Velvet Underground
15. Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
16. Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots Pt. 1 - The Flaming Lips
17. Rock & Roll McDonald's - Wesley Willis
18. Treehouse - I'm From Barcelona
19. Ghost World - David Kitay
20. Wishing Song - The Great Gonzo

DOWNLOAD THE MIX FOR A THREE-YEAR-OLD HERE AND THEN FROLICK BONELESSLY UNTIL IT'S TIME TO PEEL THE FROSTING OFF YER PIECE OF CAKE AND EAT THE FROSTING AND THROW THE REST OF THE CAKE IN THE GARBAGE

See, there was a time when my artwork and storytelling prowess were far more polished than they've been in my series of hacky, blotted PDX artshow inkings. Here are some excerpts from a lavishly illustrated action-adventure novella collaborated upon by soverywrong and I in the fourth grade. It's a battle royale between good and evil armies of robots and is titled, imaginatively, "ROBOTS." Pretty suspenseful shit.

For the last picture in my artshow series, I unwittingly ripped off Dan Clowes. Except Dan Clowes is actually capable of dealing with perspective/vanishing points and other basics. I probably shoulda taken an art class at some point.

And no, that's not supposed to be Janet Weiss. But thanks livedinlover, for pointing out that I'd neglected to capture the city's Rockabilly subculture.



Here's a closer zoom into the Powell's picture, just because I like the way I drew this particular hippie chick and the impressed bookstore customer girl in the background.



And now here's a quick homework assignment to help me figure out how to make these available and possibly how to price 'em.
Poll #1162723 ARTSHOW SHIT
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

Of the Portland Artshow pics that will be for sale (#6 isn't), which is your favorite? Vote for a couple if you want.

Shit, this one took a lot out of me.

See the blonde hugging the post down in the corner? For some reason, I really like how she came out. And I guess the rest of this one is not the worst possible way I coulda spent my day.



Either one or two more left to draw. I'm not sure yet.

As mockable and overrated as it is, and as much as people from all around the galaxy need to FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP FUCKING MOVING HERE, I'm happy to live in a city as beautiful as this one, and I think this is the first picture I've drawn in this series that really reflects that. Kim insisted that I should draw one of the "Made In Oregon" sign and as usual, she was completely right... and I hope my admitting that helps make up for the way I drew her in the last picture. So far, this is my favorite by a wide margin. And yeah, I'm drunk.



Superbonus: On a Portland-specific LJ community (not the agonizingly 'tarded one), winkwildly found some attestments from someone who usta live in my very apartment. Read to the very end to be walloped with hysterical irony:



I responded with a barrage of about a dozen pictures I've taken over the past three years. Be careful what you ask for.

Extra bonus drawing for the store that will be exhibiting my whole PDX artshow throughout May.

With the role of Andrew played by Paul Giamatti.

I guess this one's kind of a downer.

I'm gonna try and do something much easier and less clusterfucked next time.

I keep inadvertently making these more and more complicated to draw. I probably coulda done this one better. Well, shit.

Yeah, that's me in there. Everyone else is made up.