dark knight was awesome and that's all i'll say.

and now, next month, no housing situation awaits! off to cry myself to sleep!

OMG YOU GUYS I AM FREAKING THE HELL OUT! I can't wait until later. I have to find some awesome getup and I'm not going to be able to handle it. For srs, I think I'm going crazy!

trivus YOU ARE THE GODDA*N BATMAN!

what is so special about 08-02-2008? I keep seeing that date with no information attached. *sigh*

cheez - keifer sutherland = suck.
therefore, keifer sutherland ftw.

lets see who can guess the movie i'm watching!

so i got the donuts, am the win for getting donuts.

and i had another anxiety attack tonight. I think it's because it's so FUCKIN HOT in this apartment. Plus the fact I am so friggin itchy from all the mosquito bites I have. I appypollyloggies to Brandon, even though I dont think you'll read this before you call/come over/whatever tomorrow. Sorry I called so much. I am made of fail. :(

Wow. this post is weird. and everywhere. *sigh*

*hugs everyone*
*hugs brandon 85,000x*

for some reason, i was heating up pizza rolls and i really wanted donuts. i wonder why... *sigh*

I'm going out tonight with a friend and maybe it will help me get over a lot of things. Jason left for the weekend and he will be back on Sunday. I've got a lot of things to keep me busy so I shouldn't need to worry about much. I've been trying to worry less and it doesn't seem to work. I want to be able to say "i'm not going to worry about you but i will be here if you need a shoulder to cry on and i will hurt whoever hurt you." It's not working so far, but every day I get a little less worrysome. My stomach doesn't hurt as much anymore and I've been able to eat food more often *usually only one meal a day, if that* but it's still more than what I could eat before. I had a great day yesterday even though I got upset and appypollyloggies to anyone who I made feel uncomfortable when I was upset. But it's my birthday, I can cry if I want to! Harharhar. Jason let me sign in to his e-learning and I'm excited about that.

Ta-Ta for now! There is science to be done! *if math is a science.*

Today I realized that I dont really hate someone. I, in fact, can stand them. I just can't deal with something major right now like that. When James and Jason left today for work, we chilled for a while but when we stopped chilling was when I got upset. I think it's because I was preoccupied. I like the feeling. Although, today, when we went out to eat, I felt as though I was floating and, although I wanted to be where I was, I felt like I wasn't there. I dont know. I know my nerves are shot right now. I can't feel a lot of things. A rubber band popped on me as hard as possible doesn't even phase me, and it should. I never thought depression could cause such an effect on the nervous system.

I've been getting better about eating. Generally, I can eat a bowl of cereal in the morning, not eat while I'm at work, and come home to eat a bit of something. Today, I couldn't eat more than two bites of a sandwich. And it's a really good sandwich, but it's sitting here not even half finished. It took me two minutes to eat a strawberry. In ways, I think I'm getting better about eating, but I think I'm getting worse, too.

Last night, I broke down and cried for about thirty minutes. I felt better afterwards and I've noticed that when I get into conversations with him, whether it's after breaking down in front of him or not, I seem to forget the cause of the situation and just talk about things. I like that feeling and in ways I think it will lead me to get better about a lot of things.
I keep worrying though, that the more I talk to him about things like I did last night, and my urge to talk a lot about it will leave him annoyed. I've vowed to stop calling him as much when I need to talk, but I have to find another way to output before I can do that.

Tomorrow is my last day of work before my birthday, which is Thursday. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not at the same time. I'm not because it's my birthday, but I am because I know that I can spend time with my friends. Jason, Megan, Brandy, and I are going out GeoCaching and I think this will make me feel better. I've been wanting to go outside more. I'm going to try and go biking on the Greenway sometime soon.

It's taking me longer and longer for things to hit me. It took almost a year for my mom's death to hit me, it took a month for Jason and I breaking up to REALLY hit me. I think Friday day, if I feel like it, Jason and I are going to go to see my mom. I haven't been in almost two years and I really need to go. I think it will help me feel better with a lot of things. I know it sounds crazy to want to talk to a dead person, but I kinda want to talk to her. It sucks.
But I noticed that when I get upset about my mom, I kinda forget about everything else. It's like, I get preoccupied. Last night, after Jason and I talked for about an hour, we got into a conversation about going to see my mom on Friday and I was content after that. I laid upstairs and cried a bit, but not because of the current situation, but about my mom. I woke up, even with only four and some change hours of sleep, and felt okay for the day. Until later, but that's completely different drama.

Anyway!

I'm getting upset again and writing isn't helping. I dont want to scream and yell, i just want to cry.

Happy birthday, ditz_35801! I have a card for you and I hope you have a great birthday!

in regards to the last post i made:
i apologize for being a complete bitch but i have every right to have felt the way i did. talking things through in person makes everything a bit easier. im not going to avoid the situation anymore by thinking about what's bad in my life. i'm going to deal with the breakup and know that i have people here that care for when everything starts looking down for me. it will get better with time, i know that. i need to focus on the things that are my major fears before i confront anything.

and no, i'm not moving the bed. i'll stay in it because technically, it's not mine and jason's bed anyways. Lol.

I have the support i need and i know things will be better and with my personal experience, seeing jason every day will help me cope with the fears that i have that are completely unrelated to him that he can help me with. because he's a great friend and i dont want to lose him as that.

being back in the house, despite my fear of seeing her here, is better because i can confront the things i need to in a place where i feel at home. my fear of this being a place i didnt belong was because i wasn't there and things weren't going the way i wanted them to in my mind. take things a day at a time. if i have trouble with that, i have everyone i need to here with me.

and a journal. i need that.

( i really dont expect anyone's comments on this. i dont expect anyone to read this at all. if you do, you might get offended that i actually feel like this, but i had to get it out somehow. )
whatever.

So for the next couple of days, probably thru Sunday I am staying at Brandy and Tps house. I'm going to see how it works out, since things haven't been going too well for me. It was really hard for me to leave and I was a bit of a deuch to some people today, and I apologize. I know I need some time to adjust to everything and it sucks. I just want to be happy and I don't know where I will be happier: at home, or here. I know I'm staying here for a few days to figure out where my life is going and I don't want to lose anyone, especially Jason. I don't know where this is going but I just needed to say a lot of things.

I miss you, and I know that I've said that a lot, but I do. Maybe I'll learn to better control my hurt when I'm here.

Stormy

I have come to the decision that I am no longer going to drink. I have set boundaries and am in the process of setting goals that I need to reach in order to feel more comfortable in public without feeling the need to drink. I need help from everyone I know. I know I play the biggest part, but I really do need help from you guys.

Stormy

There is a party at my house this Saturday. It will begin around 8 PM. Complete BYOB. A bit different party than the last as there will be barely any booze supplied by the house.

Megan has moved in and requested a housewarming party! Bring people you can account for, same as last. Directions are in an earlier post AND have been edited for corrections! Sorry about the bad directions last time. I don't know what was going on. Call with any questions or have any requests for food or such.

A lot has been happening recently. I turned psycho for a couple days but I think I have straightened out. I'm trying to straighten everything up. I don't mean just cleaning, I'm trying to actually straighten everything up.

I wanted to go shopping this morning, but I didn't get a chance to. Well, I just didn't wake up early enough. And the thrift store I wanted to go to shut down recently. Which made me really really sad. So I decided to just purchase a tie tomorrow at Burlington instead of getting a new shirt.
On the same note, I've been trying to dress up more lately when I go out. When I look better, I feel better and when I feel better, I have more fun. With alcohol or without. Whichever way.

I cleaned my car out, which I haven't done in a while. And what sucks about me being so busy is my car looks a little icky now on the inside. I think I left my window down when it rained one time too. Not on purpose anyway, but it happened. I am considering getting some Resolve cleaner, taking it to a vacuum, and cleaning that much of it out. And I need a new air freshener.

As far as the carpet cleaning, does anyone have a suggestion? It's more my seats than the carpet in the car.

I have a class to go to at 2pm. I was supposed to go to work but I told her that I wasn't going to be able to make it because the class was at noon. Am I a bad person for doing that, even though I don't have any off days anymore? (I have two jobs) I was going to have to go in for three hours, which is a complete waste of gas.

And on Thursday I have to be at work at nine thirty. I dunwannago!!!! I wanna stay out and then not wake up until noon. But whatevez. I'm only staying out until eleven thirty from every Wednesday on, or at least I'll try anyway.

Act Swiftly Awesome Pachyderm.

For a moment there I thought I wasn't going to be able to go to M-night. But I get off at 5 that day, so Yay. I don't remember that being my schedule, but whatever. *shrug*

DAMNIT I'm hungry.

I've felt really odd as of late and I'm not sure why. I've went back and read my friends page and actually read the posts I haven't read before.

Due to money issues, the only thing I shall be spending money on in the not-so-near future will be dinner every Wednesday night at M-night. I feel as though I need that, how ever menial it may be. I enjoy my time there and wherever it leads me afterwards. :)

I wish I had someone to play rock band with during the afternoons when I'm alone. I can't wait until July.

I'm having a party on the 17th. One week from today. This gives me a goal to set in order to clean the house, decorate, and make food. I'm making a green tea cake with some sort of icing I can't think of yet. I'm highly anticipating this. I'm hoping a lot of you guys show up. There's no time constraint for showing up, because I have requested the next day off from work.



iovnow and I think that this song has hidden meanings. What do you guys think? ;)