I did some thinking, and I decided, I am tired of losing friends. It's a bad habit of mine, but, it's also that the people who I end up losing, don't really mind all too much. I tend to push people away, to test out how much they care for me, and only two people comes back everytime and that's John and Kelly [so this isn't about you guys. XD]. I push them away sometimes, not really for any particular reason, and I don't know I am doing it, but when they come back for me, it's uplifting to know I do have somebody out there that cares.
I've lost a lot of friends, and it's mostly my own fault, but sometimes it's theirs too. I don't think many people miss me that much, and it's alright because I know what an awful person I can be sometimes. I constantly wish for more friends, because I like having a sense of feeling connected and involved with other people. I want to be able to have a choice when I call somebody to ask if they want to hang out, but lately there's only been one number I dial and that's John's.
Kelly's busy as poop, plus she's so far away that it's hard scheduling things. So I pretty much have John, as much as I know Kelly has my back, and I can talk to her about anything and everything.
I've lost two best friends, who I believed would always be there for me, and I'm not blaming it on them, because I know how I can be. I think their lives got better and moved forward once I was out of the picture. That happens with a lot of the friends I have lost, and I sit here jealous that I couldn't be apart of that with them, but knowing they didn't want me there anyway.
I am a very caring person, and I love anybody that even bothers to waste their precious time with somebody like me, but I can't stand when I am a friend for convience sake. I don't like being taken advantage of, or yelled at, or hearing people talking behind my back. That shit is so high school, I thought everybody should have been past that by now. Some people aren't and some people are.
I don't think I'll ever have a group of true friends anymore, because that's just the way my life goes. Sure, I'll have a good run with a group for a few months, but once I start getting on everybody's nerves, I just get booted one day, and I'll have to shrug it off and try and move on. It just hurts how quickly those things can happen, like one minute you're everything and the next, you're nothing.
I'm the kind of person that needs people to care about, I need to do things for other people if I can. I can't just do things for myself, I need an outside reason to care about MY life. As sad as that sounds, I'm very dependent, but very independent at the same time.
I don't really know if this made any sense, but basically, I'm back to square one. I was here from kindergarten to 3rd grade, when I really didn't have any friends, and after that it was a constant shift of group to group for me, because nobody liked me all that much. And still, nobody does.
If anybody can honestly tell me what makes me so awful of a person that I can't hold onto a friend for more then a few months, please do, because what I am doing now isn't good enough. Saying things like, " I want you there for the birth of my children!", and " I wish I could turn back time and be friends with you guys from the beginning." or, " Really, you've become my best friend." or, " I love that I can just talk to you like this." apparently aren't believeable enough to some people.
I'm not begging for sympathy or friends, I've been alone before, and I can suck it up and get used to it, and don't think this is about any particular person, this is to a lot of people, people who don't even have livejournals. I have just been crying over this for too long and I wanted to get it out for once.
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