|
|
i'm an addict for dramatics
|
|
|
| 'she never fixes this, but at least she...' |
[19 Aug 2008|11:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
time to dance - panic at the disco |
] |
"You're staring at me."
"Can you blame me?"
I'd forgotten the way pretty words make my stomach turn in delightful ways, the way that all it takes is someone to smile, tell me I'm beautiful, hold my hand, make me feel amazing. I can be happy forever that way.
This is the most illegal thing I've ever done, btw. I think it's actually significantly closer to illegal - three years is something new for me. But he...it's different, and I'm leaving on Saturday, and we're all a hot mess, this cast and crew, so it's only right that I let myself become a hot mess, too.
BTdubs, this show is going to be really awesome, and I'm really sad I can't stay for the whole thing, that I can only be at opening.
I don't know if he actually knows how old I am. I don't think it's ever come up in direct conversation. Oops. But, this is like when I hooked up with that twelve year old girl when I was sixteen...I didn't know. He's sixteen and looks twenty-one; I'm nineteen and look seventeen. It works somehow.
I can't believe this is so highschool. He's so old, to be so young. I'm so old, to be so young. This cast makes me seventeen again, and I rather like it.
I missed the butterflies mixed with the jealousy, the way crushes used to make me feel. I missed the awesomeness/awkwardness of seventeen, and I have it back, even if it's for less than a week.
This shit only happens to me, really.
|
|
| 'one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster...' |
[15 Aug 2008|02:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hum hallelujah - fob (live in phoenix) |
] |
I've been home from PSF for just over a week now, and remembering what I said about not updating being a good thing - I had a really great time there, overall. I started getting too busy to update, but I'm going to, now, before I return to sophomore year, so that I can have a good point to remember where I was at this point.
I've been running around with my high school friends for the past week, and I even went to Harmony Bon Voyage (and even got a little teary-eyed, though I know I'll cry outright next year, because that'll be the very end of all my attachements to home, when the class of '09 goes to college). I've also picked up a gig doing scenic painting for my sister's production of Beauty and the Beast, and probably doing a little bit of sound balancing when tech time comes. I've gained yet another brother and another sister (this time because we are the Remnants of Sephiroth - I'm Yazoo, which is actually pretty perfect for me, considering I was the last to join and thus, given the leftover Remnant - long story, but it makes sense if you know us), and am going to get my adult driver's license tomorrow morning.
I only had one fling/hookup this summer (well, one fling/hookup, one relationship, and the relationship kind of ended when my qualification of 'summer' began) and I learned a lot from both about the right way to go about relationships. Two totally different boys, three years of age difference between the two, and yet both were caused and ended for the exact same reason - another girl (two different girls, of course, yet in a striking similarity, both of the girls were/are two school years older than their respective boys). I made a lot of good friends, and learned a lot about theatre, friendship, love, and my own physical, mental, and emotional limits. I don't regret anything about this summer, because changing anything would have made it totally different.
I'm pretty excited to go back, actually. I can't wait to hang out with my non-theatre friends again, and to spend more time with them this year than last year. I learned this summer that you can drink casually (after all, we did every night) and I think that's a practice I'm going to apply when I return. I'm on a different medication now, and in a different state of mind. I think, yet again, I'm older. Somehow, I just keep growing up.
The song I sing now, the one in my aura, in my veins, is one of friendship and love - not hookups, nor alcohol, schoolwork, gaming, the internet...perhaps not even of theatre. All of those are there, in part, but my life now truly belongs to the people I surround myself with. If I have good friends and surround myself with people who I love and trust - whether that surrounding is physical, through facebook, or over the phone - I'm guaranteed happiness. There's no way I won't be happy.
I'm going to go back and be a better person than I've ever been before. I'm going to be a good crew chief, classmate, sister, and friend. Maybe even a girlfriend, too, or a lover. But maybe just a friend, and that's okay with me. I'm going to stay up late laughing with the people I enjoy laughing with, and getting my work done so I can be free of the poisonous environment that is the theatre department. I'm not going to make bad decisions. I'm now old enough, wise enough that I can be smarter than I once was. I'm going to take care of myself and my relationships, and remember to call my friends back home (and my little sister, too!) at least monthly and make sure to maintain all of my good friendships, because those are the ones that'll matter.
These are my resolutions for the 08-09 school year. And when I come home in the summer, I'll be ready to say goodbye to the friends, the lovers, the enemies, the people of the class of '09 who made my life into what it is. I'll run off to some job, somewhere, or get a job in Philadelphia and be able to spend their last summer with them, and be able to spend it with my high school friends of my age, who really are totally awesome and I'm really grateful to have them.
I can't believe how much I grew over one little summer, over three little months in professional theatre and a couple weeks at home. I used Straylight Run's "Mistakes We Knew We Were Making" as my summer song in my note to PSF - here it is again, because it still is a song for the summer of '08.
And all our sins come back to haunt us in the end, to hang around and tap us on the shoulder, and smile, silent. It's all implied: "You'll die trying to live this down; you might as well forget it." Still, I'm convinced that wondering 'what if?' is the worst thing there is. So we bottled and shelved all our regrets, let them ferment and came back to our senses, drove back home and slept a few days, woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be. All these lines fall short of what I had in mind, a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling. So, I just try, fail, and try and try again. Someday I swear I'm going to get it, because I'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is. We'll get over it - sad, strong, safe, and sober. We'll move forward and know where we went wrong, but you can't go home again.
However, now that I'm here, a week later, I have a different sentiment to leave this summer with.
When the sun came up, we were sleeping in - sunk inside our blankets, sprawled across the bed and we were dreaming. There are moments when I know it and the world revolves around us. And we're keeping it, keep it all going - this delicate balance - vunerable, all-knowing. Sing like you think no one's listening. You would kill for this, just a little bit, just a little bit, you would. Sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key, sing me anything. We're glad for what we've got, done with what we've lost - our whole lives laid out right in front of us. Sing like you think no one's listening. You would kill for this, just a little bit, just a little bit, you would, you would. Sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key...sing me anything.
--Straylight Run, "Existentialism on Prom Night"
It is certainly possible that I went through every emotion, every line in every song on this album this summer. I went through a big emotional overhaul without it being devastating to my life or my friendships. Funny how that's possible now, when it took complete devestation last time. I must be more mature, after all =)
|
|
| 'some day I'll be so damn much more...' |
[17 Jun 2008|12:18am] |
As I watch everyone around me, I can't help but be sad. Really, what am I supposed to do about it? It isn't anything close to love, what they have, but it is something. It's something more than what I have. Too many of the cars parked outside my dorm belong to people who don't live here, and I'm just not used to this, not at all. I'd almost be willing to go back to IC in favor of having the lies and the parties, dancing in the darkness, rather than being forced to watch the people around me fall into semblences of happiness and stick me alone.
It's been too long since I've shared secrets in the dark. I miss the days when my secret-keeper shared my room. I just want to be happy. Last summer was too good for this one to be this way. I was never alone, last summer - the summer before that I wasn't alone either, not with my boyfriend nor with my angry pain. I want nothing more than a silly summer romance, and yet there is nothing here for me. Nothing.
There really isn't anything here for me, not anymore. When I can't wake up without feeling this pain, when I can't work through my sadness - when I start being able to replace feeling lonely with being alone and somehow that makes me feel better - I can't, won't, refuse to get to the point where crying is my solution, and yet, I think it may be the only way to escape, the healthiest and least destructive. I don't want to hurt, and I have no reason to hurt. I had an amazing day. I went to Dorney Park and rode roller coasters and did all the things I've never done before at amusement parks - maybe it's the coming down from the high of excitement and happiness that forces me to my lowest. I don't want to be this way. This isn't a choice I've made. It's just the way I've ended up.
All I want is something, even if it only exists in the summer darkness. I don't understand why I can't have it. I'm not happy here, not this way. I've become an entirely social creature and I no longer know how to function alone.
I want to do something really stupid, but I haven't quite figured out what yet. I want to forget, and remember, and dream, and live. I want to be the person who I am, and be loved for it, and I want to love again the way I know too well how. I want to stop reading and start living. I want to have someone, something to call my own. I won't live love vicariously any longer. Here's the truth to anyone I've ever told that I'm happy for: I'm not. I hate every single person who has happiness in a relationship, in a boy, in a girl, in a kiss, right now, because I lack that same happiness and am filled with hateful jealousy.
I think I might go back outside (again), if only so that I can collect myself, and maybe cry out the pain. It's a good a way as any to try to get back to normal, and if I have to get this pain out somehow...why not? Tomorrow I may go back to being who I was...for now, though, I'm angry, and sad, and lonely, and need to be angry and sad and lonely so that I can pretend to be okay come morning.
I'm not okay, but I can pretend. Lying makes the world go 'round.
|
|
| 'sad, small, sweet, so delicate...we used to be this dying breed...' |
[06 Jun 2008|10:27pm] |
There are worse things in life, I think. I have one of the best situations I can possibly have...so why the fuck am I bitching all the time? Couldn't tell you.
Despite all my nonsense, I have a pretty good life. I have amazing groups of friends - at home, at IC, here. I have an ex-boyfriend who is still a great friend, and nothing's changed, not really. We can still talk for three hours without even trying to find things to say. I've got the money to buy things I want, the food I like to eat, and a pretty decent balance of work and play. The days are now hot, but the nights belong to me once again, my perfect temperature. I enjoy my life, most of the time. It's only when I sit down to think for too long that I feel jealous and insecure. Why should I feel that way? I mean...I'm awesome, aren't I? I say so all the time. I may not be the funniest, smartest, or prettiest, but when I look at myself through eyes not my own, I see someone I don't mind being.
I was talking to Matt last night, and the one thing that stood out to me about myself the most is that, as a writer at heart, I see my life through the lens of just one epic tale. We are all characters - you know the way I chapter events in my life. But the fact that I relate to myself as a character means that I have a tendency to stay the same - stay in-character, so to speak. I'm thinking maybe that's why, no matter how good it gets, I always end up lonely and sad - because it's a character trait I've given myself. And...that needs to end. Maybe not now, but soon. I have to figure out what other things about me - what pieces of me only still exist because I feel like they belong with me. Maybe I'm wrong...maybe who I am is more than just a construct I've built for myself...but I'm not sure what it is, after all.
And practically everything that I say can be just as easily described with a lyric. I am music, I am words - and I quote lyrics like they're my own speech. But why try and reinvent the wheel, if somebody else has already said it better, more eloquently?
Favorite album right now? Either Panic's Pretty. Odd. or Straylight Run's self-titled. They're the two pieces of me - Pretty. Odd. is all my happiness, my optimistic outlook on life, the way I can be when I'm at my best. Straylight Run displays all my insecurities, hatred of myself and others, a sad loneliness resigned to regret. I'm somewhere in between, swinging back and forth, and neither contains all of my lyrics - I sing songs from one just as easily as the other.
I've become content with this life I lead / where I drink too much and don't believe in much of anything / and I lie to myself / and say it's for the best
versus
Back to the street where we began / feeling as good as love, you could you can / into a place where thoughts can bloom / into a room where it's nine in the afternoon
And lyrically, the two albums both have their ups and downs...but musically there is a significant difference. My heart, my mind, both divided but still together. I'm not two different people...I am two sides of a coin, combining to make something greater than either alone.
I've got it good, realistically. Why complain?
It's just life, so keep dancing through...
xo
Rachel
|
|
| 'you watch me, just watch me...' |
[04 Jun 2008|08:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 empty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
all that's known - spring awakening |
] |
Lonely is really, really, really not the word for what I am right now, but it's the closest I can come to the right word - it's neither a physical nor an emotional emptiness, but something in between.
The problem with having too much free time on my hands is that I end up in fic all the time, and as much as I love fic, it always leaves me wanting something for my own life. Is it so awful of me to want someone to love, to love me, physically, mentally, emotionally - maybe not love, becauase love [usually] comes with time and shit - but it's been a long time since I've been like this. I mean, I was jumping around and making out from boy to boy all through the fall, and then I started my epic love triangle at the beginning of the spring (don't ask, I didn't really write about it for a reason, and that reason is because it only enhanced my fear of sex - it's a story I'll tell someday), and was wrapping it up at spring break when Matthew and I started our courtship (speaking of which, I had to replace my phone last week, and I'm still really upset that I lost all his lovely, make-me-smile text messages from the very beginning), and then it ended for real and Matt and I got together, and, for me, being on the phone with him all the time and his texts were more than enough to conquer this loneliness - because I remember the feeling in my stomach, my heartbeat, the way my entire body felt when he talked about kissing me, and it was more amazing than any physical touch because the emotion behind it, the longing, the anticipation, the love, just added that level of excitement to the concept of, wow, kissing, which everyone knows I love.
I could have lasted forever on that feeling, I think, the smile and anticipation and fear [in a good way]. But now there's nothing, and I'm craving one or the other because I know, realistically, that I only get that kind of connection - I can only fall in love, real love - once a year, and Matt took that one [I think that's why I wanted to hate him so much - because now my chance is gone, my time is up, you know? I have to wait until 2009].
Life here isn't what I'm used to in theatre. There is no overabundance of straight, available, willing boys who think I'm attractive and fun, maybe just for the night, and who know me well enough but not too well. And I've connected in friendship, but it isn't friendship that I want, not unless it's like the friendship that Matt and I had, the friendship where I light up to see his name on caller ID and we fall in love over the phone hour by hour. Not like the friendship that Evan and I had, closeness that came out of my making poor decisions and him watching me doom myself until he really couldn't take it anymore. There are boys here, yes, and even some of them are straight, but the ones who know me well, know me too well, and the ones who don't, don't know me well enough, and it's driving me crazy and I want...something. To fill the emptiness. It's true; I live a sad life sometimes, this not-loneliness (more of an emptiness than a loneliness, but, whatev).
I wish this all made sense to me. I wish I could just figure this all out with greater ease...but I can't. Because I know for a fact that I'm still awkward. I still say things without thinking, and oftentimes things aren't said the way I'd wished they were. I've never been able to move through social situations with perfect grace, and this is no exception. But still...I wish I could cause a smile in someone's eyes, the way my boys have always done for me. That's one of my favorite parts of this whole thing...being able to make someone else happy just by being me. I miss that.
I miss feeling wanted. I want to be wanted, the same way that I'm in love with the idea of being in love.
Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of best friends. We're the kids who feel like dead ends - and I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses. I took a shot and didn't even come close at trust and love and hope - and the poets are just kids who didn't make it, and never had it at all. And the record won't stop skipping, and the lies just won't stop slipping, and besides my reputation's on the line. We can fake it for the airwaves, force our smiles, baby, half dead from comparing myself to everyone else around me.
Pete titled it "I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)". It was the first song that I sang alongside an acoustic (followed by "Cute Without the 'E'", which I dueted with Nimah in the ECPA during HSPA's week - good memories), and it's a song that I share with Pete as a favorite on the album. It truly is my summer song, this time around.
I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough, but we never had it at all.
xo
Rachel
|
|
| 'if dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts...' |
[02 Jun 2008|01:56pm] |
This has been the best weekend ever. From roughly 10PM on May 31 until about 5AM this morning - that was the weekend of my birthday. I loved practically every second of my birthday weekend. Both nights were very late nights, very early mornings, sitting around, hanging out, drinking and having a good time. I met new people and hung out with the old. I recieved a chair (you know, one of those outdoorsy chairs with a cupholder) for sitting on the porch from Katelyn and Brittany, a bottle of Sambuca from Anna, a total of $80 in cash from my parents, and an awesome peanut butter/chocolate cake from Anne/company management. We had angel hair in red sauce, salad, garlic bread, and red wine for dinner yesterday, and then we went to the porch with my cake and a pitcher of sangria that Anna and I made. There were more people on the porch last night than ever before - even both my bosses visited. We finally climbed to the top of Campbell Hall, which wasn't too hard and even I did it, and then we spent a good chunk of time trying to climb Brisson Hall, which didn't work as well. The stars were intense last night. It was a beautiful night, and it ended after a trip to the firepit across campus and a silly game of basketball, singing and goofing off. I fell asleep as the first bit of orange was visible behind the trees, and I almost regret not staying up for the sunrise.
You know, through most of the weekend I was thinking that, although I would have a great time, there would be something missing. I mean...I spent a majority of my 11:11 wishes that first week wishing to be able to see Matthew on my birthday...and I really thought I would feel like something was missing...because so much of me has always been based on my boy, you know? But I didn't feel that way at all. I didn't feel lonely, not a bit. I spent the day sleeping and responding to Facebook wall posts, and the night surrounded by friends.
I've noticed that here, my loneliness is so much more connected to friends of any gender than it is to relationships. Maybe it's because my last relationship ended, not as well as I'd have liked, and is gradually fading back into the friendship it began as - or maybe, maybe, maybe, it's because I'm growing up? I can't believe that I could have changed like that - to suddenly become stronger and independent - without noticing, but perhaps it happened after all. I don't really believe it, actually, but somehow it might have happened. Or, maybe, I'm just confusing the fact that my loneliness occurs in the absence of people - a large majority of the boys I spend time with are ones I've been attracted to at one point in time or another.
Speaking of boys...I've been wondering about my sexual orientation a lot, recently. I identify as bisexual, and yet, I haven't really had recent experiences with girls. My track record of my freshman year shows only boys. I have to wonder if I'm still equally attracted to women....and that brings up an important question. Am I pickier about women? I'd like to say I'm pretty shallow about everyone, but I know I do sometimes pick boys because I like them, not because I'm attracted to them. I think, maybe, with girls, I need to like them and be attracted to them - and the difficult thing about pretty girls is that they tend to be straight. Everyone who's been reading my journal, or who's been close to me for any length of time knows about the first girl I fell for. A connection the moment we met and a year and a half of history, yet we were never together. I liked her, and was also attracted to her. I think...I think I'm right in my identity. I look at pretty girls and see beauty, and am perhaps not so jealous as many other girls I know. And, I mean - I'm still so young in my experiences, that my identity isn't yet based on sex, but love, attraction. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong with this whole thing. Love isn't limited by gender - I said that in my last entry. And I really do think that my identification is correct, just, sometimes I wonder. But then I think - you don't have to be constantly falling for boys to be straight. Just because that's the way I am about boys doesn't mean I'm the same about girls.
Yeah...I'm going back to the days of regular updates, so it would seem, and this summer is shaping up to be one of introspection. I'm back to charting my progress through words, through memories. I've been remembering life through this journal since April 2004, and I'm saddened to see that my freshman year of college will not be remembered when I come back to read later. I'm growing up, and these words will become memories of an inner struggle to discover my future, become windows to my past. I don't like reading my entries full of fire, full of hate, full of the anger that I personified - but I had to go through that to become who I am today. This doubt and trouble is very much the same.
Are we growing up, or just going down? It's just a matter of time until we're all found out. Take our tears and put them on ice, cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light.
xo
Rachel
|
|
| 'i feel the same, i'm on my way...' |
[29 May 2008|07:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
something resembling content |
] |
It won't be much longer until I can call myself nineteen. Now, we all know that nothing really happens on anybody's birthday - you get one day older, like you do every single day - but it has always been a day for me to sit back and see how I've changed. I guess I'm going to contemplate a little early this time - but no guarantees I won't on my birthday as well! It works, to do it on New Year's and my birthday, as my birthday is roughly halfway through the year. Even more than I have from Jan 07 to Jan 08, I've changed from the time I turned eighteen until now that I'm turning nineteen. There were so many new things I experienced - both good and bad - and I really grew as an individual and as a woman over the past year. I've learned so much, about life, theatre, whatever. I've certainly grown as a technician. I've learned new things about myself: I love, too much and too easily. I love kissing, and I think part of me is actually afraid of sex. I need very little sleep between days, but can't hold up that way very long. I love sound and lights, far more than I could ever love carpentry. I can make friends with ease, but keeping them takes work. I tend to trust people like myself, for better or worse.
I know what I want out of love, now. I've always been so confused about what I really want from a relationship, and I think, maybe, I know this time. I think that maybe after all this time...maybe after all this time, I only want what I've sought all my life: a friend. I mean...haven't I always been the one to say that love is just the next level of friendship? You meet someone, you spend time with them, you trust them, you enjoy being with them...and if there's attraction as well, it can grow into something stronger. I still have the picture in my mind that I've had of love for ages: two people lying in the grass under the stars during the summer, arms around each other, talking and loving life. Love, to me, has very little to do with the physical [the sexualized representation of physical love - the spectrum that spans from making out to sexual intercourse], and so, so much to do with the mental and emotional. I think this is one of the big lessons I've learned this year...that sexualized love can be nice, fun, whatever - but I can tell love from the way two people hold hands, hold each other, smile. I can see love in that, and I think my lesson is that I should stop trying to push myself to the physical, because part of me does fear sex, and all of me knows love. I like making out and I'm not going to give it up...but I know now that love is so much more than that.
Love is...love is talking on the phone for hours and somehow saying nothing and everything at once. Love is chaste kisses and laughing in the rain. Love is trust, and hope. Love is when you want to be a better person, but with the knowledge that s/he loves you just the way you are. Love is change, and love is stability, too. Love has very little to do with physical attraction - love is a connection between hearts and minds. Love is knowing that at least someone understands you, and that someone will always be there for you. Love is something that can't be limited by age, gender, race, or religion. Love is what you get when you put two people together in the best possible situation, and it endures through the worst possible situation. Love is when you're finally content with your lot in life. Love is a friendship that somehow became more. Love isn't restricting, the way I always used to think - if it's the right love in the right situation, love is a freedom. I guess that's my biggest discovery about love this year.
"Joscelin, is love supposed to make you feel like you're sick and dying, and mad enough to hit someone, and drunk with joy, and your heart's a boulder in your chest trying to burst into a thousand pieces, all at once?"
"Mm-hmm." He finished his ale. "That would be love."
--Kusiel's Justice, Jacqueline Carey
I've yet to figure out if I am more thinking or feeling, though. Every time I write one of these ages-long entries, it's about a philosophy on a feeling. I may write all about love...but I have to wonder, how much of this is because I can sit back and think? Do I live my life according to my thoughts, or my feelings? I guess I'll always be somewhere in between.
I've grown a lot over the past year. I feel that maybe I'm beginning to catch up with my own age group. I may still be a tortured soul, and I may still be young in a lot of my experiences, but I feel like my mind is growing up. And the fact that I've embraced love the way I have...I'm a woman now, with a woman's feelings and a woman's mind, but above all, with her heart.
I'm not going to change. I mean, I still listen to angry music and shout at the world when I have to. I still make stupid mistakes that I should know better about. I'm afraid of a lot of things, not the least of which is leaving the last of my girlhood behind. But my boss said today, as five of us were setting up a tent - "we're theatre people; we play all day". In this field, nobody is ever going to force me to give up being young inside. But I am going to keep growing more mature about the things that scare me. I think this past year was the one in which I finally learned to love...I can only imagine which fear my nineteenth year will conquer. I have a lot of them, though I don't often let it be known.
Thinking of you, wherever you are. We pray for our sorrows to end and hope that our hearts will blend. Now I will step forward to realize this wish. And who knows? Starting a new journey may not be so hard - or maybe it has already begun. There are many worlds, but they share the same sky: one sky, one destiny.
(--the title sequence of Kingdom Hearts II)
I'm older and wiser...but I think I'm still me.
This is going to be another summer of growing up, just like the last ones, and, for once, I'm charging into it with open arms. I'm finally figuring out life...and maybe this is all I need right now.
xo
Rachel
|
|
| 'things aren't the same anymore - some nights it gets so bad i almost pick up the phone...' |
[22 May 2008|05:39pm] |
and a phone call from a friend will always make you feel better, as will a three-hour workday that supposedly never happened. except now i've been stuck alone in my thoughts for five hours and outside is cold and gross, and the fires of this past weekend seem so far away. been reading too much of pete's blogs - i think again in fragments and disjointed phrases, and of course pete, the king of pain, can't help but bring all of mine to the surface again. and all i want now is to live again, to remember what this felt like two weeks ago. i've finished my first full week of work and can't say i mind it all that much, but i miss the way i felt back at the end of school. the loving optimism seems so far away now. and i know i'll bounce back; i always do. i am a personification of the good and bad that love brings - i only exist because of love. i am nothing more than the sum of my parts, and the creation of those who've loved me.
and all i ever wanted was to be understood. and all i ever wanted was someone to lay in the grass on a warm summer night, to look at the stars and whisper love in my ears, write love in my skin. the best part of believe is the lie.
and it's about one moment, when you think you know and find out that you don't. one moment to change your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your desires. one moment when everything changes, and you have to face it, for better or for worse. one moment, and you cry, tears of joy and tears of sadness, because you don't know what else to do.
when everything reminds you of the life you used to lead, what is left for the future?
this, i think, is what it feels like to be a ghost.
dear world,
please make me not alone.
-xo
i comfort myself by thinking that tomorrow will be better. and sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't. this has been the worst week in a very long time, and i just want to go back to the way i was before i came here. i want to not have to see the e-mailed promises and facebook and text messages that i can't bring myself to delete. i want new memories to replace old ones. i want to throw myself into work so that i can forget who i was, who i am, and who i'm becoming. there isn't enough work for me here - and if i was home, i wouldn't be feeling this way anyway.
the reason it hurts so much is because i allow it to hurt me. and that's the only truth of it. but to close myself off would be, i think, worse. to feel is to be alive.
its getting to that time where everybody should be getting off of work, except the carpenters who are working late, as always. thank god i'm not a carpenter anymore. but...even now, who am i waiting for? i have friends here, but nobody that i enjoy talking to half as much as anyone at home. [and perhaps the only truth to my sadness is that i am impossibly lonely here. i think maybe i can't tell the difference between being lonely and being sad anymore].
maybe taking this job was a bad choice after all. who knows? one week down, eleven to go. things are bound to shape up.
and, if you so wish, [please] ignore every thought just spilled from my head. words written in loneliness...i've always wondered. does being sad make words more true? in which moments am i me? how many times will i shift persona before i figure out who i really am?
cause, you know, i don't do sadness, not even a little bit - just don't need it in my life. don't want any part of it - i don't do sadness. hey, i've done my time, looking back on it all, man it blows my mind. i don't do sadness, so been there. don't do sadness - just don't care.
i only post these words because i wrote them. i'll never understand why i let myself do this.
|
|
| 'well i'm a wreck, i'm a mess, i'm a spot on the pavement...' |
[20 May 2008|08:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 significantly less than happy |
] |
No less than a couple hours after I'd been telling my therapist and my psychiatrist about how amazing and how happy I was in my relationship - less than twenty-four hours after we'd kissed and said 'I love you', and before I'd even left my hometown again - Matt had sex with his ex-girlfriend, and in every way but officially, went back to her. And waited a week to tell me, letting me believe that his love was true. Being faithful in my love when I had options.
I forgave him when he told me, but I think I need to hate him - hate both of them - for a little while if I'm going to get through this in one piece.
He's so young. I thought he was older but he isn't. To need to see someone to believe in their love, to not be able to endure time and distance, to go back to something safe instead of sticking with a fearful promise...he's only seventeen, and she's the only girl he's ever really known. I can't ask him to be special, only to be what he is, and that's a typical boy.
I really did think there was something different about him, you know? More mature, more caring, more loving. I was the one we were going to have to worry about, because I'm a chronic cheater and he's always been faithful no matter what she did to him.
I hate them. In this moment, I hate him, and I love him, and I'm a complete mess. I hate her, of course. She was a good friend to me, once, and this is not what good friends do. This is what enemies do. She was a friendly rival, in my mind, when she decided to get back into his life. Now she's nothing less than my enemy, and she will pay, someday. Karma is a bitch, and as much as he can try to blame himself...she's older; she should have known better.
It didn't help that I had to wake up this morning after drinking an entire bottle of wine and throwing up for my pains. I have a history of self-destruction when hurt, and I keep meaning to break the habit, and it keeps not happening.
I promised not to hurt him. He never made me the same promise. This is what I get.
This is what living like this does.
Fuck it. I'm just not going to open up ever again. He was the best thing that happened to me in a full year, and look where that got me. He broke my faith exactly one month after we embarked on this journey. I was willing to go as long as it went. He backed out before it even began. Love never wanted me...but I took it anyway - and see what that did. If I never love again, I can live my life without being hurt.
Remember when I was young, cold, and unfeeling? Remember when I was an island? I want to be totally self-dependent again. I want to stay with my scars and bear them with pride, not make new ones.
I hate. I love. I don't want either of those emotions anymore.
I don't know what to take - thought I was focused but I'm scared, I'm not prepared. I hyperventilate, looking for help, somehow, somewhere - and no one cares. I'm my own worst enemy. I've given up. I'm sick of feeling. Is there nothing you can say? Take this all away - I'm suffocating. Tell me - what the fuck is wrong with me?
Fuck this. Fuck all of this. And maybe I'm overreacting, maybe it's the residual alchohol in my system speaking, and maybe it's only because I fucked myself up last night, and maybe it's a combination - but I don't think so. Because he was there, he was it - until he wasn't. No warning. No way to know. He told me, on the phone a while ago, that when she wanted him back he refused, because he wanted to be with me.
I hate lies, and he did nothing less than lie to me.
Fuckin' A. I kind of want to go to sleep and never wake up again. But I have work in half an hour. I would never forgive myself if I let this hurt me enough to fuck up my job. That's why I'm here, and not home with him. Because I'm responsible enough to know that when I say I'm going to do something - and I told my boss last night that I'd be fine for work - I'm going to do it.
I'm going to hate him for longer than I should.
Best friends, ex-friends till the end, better off as lovers and not the other way around. Matthew - the Mikeyway to my Pete Wentz? I thought he was my Patrick, my voice, the words inside my heart. I don't think he's my Mikeyway, because as soon as I get over this, we'll be friends again. I just...need to hate him, can't really forgive him right now. I'm not as fine as I thought I was, not under daylight's harsh reality.
Fuckin' A, I have to get ready to go to work in twenty minutes. I can't write all my songs about him, because I need to be the mature, responsible, dependable adult girl that I am. Maybe someday he'll grow up.
I have to get ready for work now.
|
|
| 'things have changed for me, and that's okay...' |
[18 May 2008|04:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
So, I've been chilling in Allentown-ish (Center Valley, actually) since Wednesday. I've been working since Thursday, I'm halfway through my first electrics call, and I have my first day off tomorrow.
I think this is going to be a great summer.
The first bit - Wednesday and Thursday mostly, but some of Friday, too - was really hard on me. I was somehow missing both home and IC, going through another tough transition period, and I didn't have anyone to talk to - Matt was busy with his show (understandably), my mom didn't really get it, and I hadn't made any close friends yet. But I started bonding with the others on Thursday night. Thursday night was the first in what's looking like an entire summer of late nights. Last night we began the continuation of a tradition known as 'the porch' - just hanging out on the porch of our residence hall, drinking and listening to music all night long. I still haven't gotten my phone call from Matthew, and it's coming up on a week since we last had a real conversation.
I miss him, but things aren't so bad here anymore.
I have to go back to work and I don't want to! Sigh. I'm just tired of pushing Genies around.
I'll make it through, and then I can go back to just hanging out. I love not having papers or drafting to do.
xo
Rachel
|
|
| 'and my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound...' |
[11 May 2008|12:05am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ladies' choice - zac efron [hairspray movie] |
] |
I made a good choice.
I've had my doubts, but now, after finally spending time with Matt...it was a good choice. It's such a surprise to me, with all the bad choices I made this semester, that I made a good one. He makes me so exceptionally happy....I don't even know. I haven't been happy like this in a long time.
We saw Iron Man today. It was awesome. Now I hear they're trying to do movies in the same continuity (with inter-cameos and such) for a bunch of the heroes, and then tie them all together with an Avengers movie? Ballin. I love Marvel. I mean, I'll always be a DC girl - Batman was my first love, followed by everything Neil Gaiman writes in the DC-verse...but Marvel is my newer love, and I honestly enjoy most Marvel comics more. This wasn't the tirade I meant to go on in this entry.
I mostly wanted to say how happy Matt makes me, and how happy I am that we have what we have. I never would have believed it, but it happened. Like magic. I'm glad we're going to have time together over the summer. Honestly...I can even see this lasting. I dont know how, but it came together like magic...who's to say it couldn't last on that very same magic? I'm happy; he's happy. That's all that we need, right?
It's enough when I say so - and maybe, some things are that simple...
xo
Rachel
I overused the word 'happy' in this entry. Whatever.
|
|
| 'and that's all that i need right now...' |
[07 May 2008|03:35am] |
As those of you with access to my facebook may have noticed...hell yeah, I'm in a relationship.
We told each other we liked each other...the night of April 13th. Yeah, I looked it up. It was the Sunday after I went home to see Songs. Yeah...Matt, I know you're reading this, but I'll pretend you aren't. Since then...well, we didn't declare to be in a relationship until today, just under a month later. And I'm exceptionally happy.
I don't know what finally made me take the plunge into a relationship, cause we all know I'm exceptionally shitty at relationships. Maybe it's the right time; maybe he's the right person. Even if it only lasts the summer, I think that would be enough. We'll be good friends forever, that's for sure. This can only make us stronger, never break us. We weren't going to put facebook confirmation on it until I got home and we actually saw each other...but we did, and it brought me so much joy.
In other news, I'm on departmental probabtion =\. That means that if I don't shape up, they have the right to disqualify me from my major at the end of the fall. I don't think it'll happen, but...it's a weight I don't need.
I have a final project due at 9AM. Why aren't I sleeping?
I'm too impossibly hyper thanks to my boy. Mine...we're a thing. We're a real thing.
When am I going to wake up from this dream? Never, I hope.
All that's left are the costume construction and chem finals. Really, simple little things.
Nothing in the 'verse can stop me.
xoxo
Rachel
|
|
| 'feeling as good as love, you could, you can...' |
[18 Apr 2008|05:29pm] |
So here's what has to happen. I have to: pass a chem test on Tuesday (4/22), finish my academic writing paper for Thursday (4/24), pass the sound test on Thursday (4/24), strike Midsummer (4/26-27), write a chem paper (due Thurs. 5/1), learn my lines (show 5/3), do final drafts of my drafting project (and add a seventh plate) (due Tues. 5/6), write six pages for the academic writing final project (due Wed. 5/7), do my BLAST final project (due Wed. 5/7), finish my bear (due ? probably same time as final), study for and pass my costume construction final (Thurs 5/8), study for and pass the cumulative chem final (Fri. 5/9), and not get kicked out of my major (also that last week).
Then I can come home. Only for a few days, but then I can come home. It seems like a lot, but I have twenty-one days (minus the two this weekend because I'm leaving for Passover) to get it all done. I figured out how to access the Novell server from my computer, which I think may have been half the battle. The rough drafts of the drafting project were also half the battle; I'm fundamentally finished the project, but I think next week I'm going to crack down and just run through and finish the whole thing. Maybe I'll do it all on Monday in one big all-nighter and then be finished completely, and leave a few little things to be done during in class work days. I have everything mostly sceduled out, except for the bear construction. That might be a rushed, panicked completion.
I can't wait to be home again. In twenty-one days and a few hours - by my itinerary that I have yet to suggest to my parents - I'll be back at my house in South Jersey. I can't wait, mostly because there are a few super-special people waiting for me to get home - and one in particular I can't wait to see. The weather here is great, warm, and I'm happy...but there's no place like home. There's nobody I want to be around here half as much as the one I've got waiting for me there (and that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much!) I figure I'm going to get everything done (I always do, it's just a matter of when) but this time without the stress and the rush. At least that's what I hope for, because then I can enjoy this weather to the fullest, and really take charge of my last few days here.
I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm closing in on the end and can't be stopped now. I've been trying my hardest and can't imagine that anything bad will happen to me in review...of course, last time I thought bad things were coming and I got off fine, so maybe it is reversed this time? No matter. They won't kick me out without talking to me first, so I'll have a whole semester to redeem myself. Even then, who knows? I shouldn't worry so much. I'll be fine in the end; I know I'm not going to let myself get DQ'ed from my program. Life is good. Excellent, even.
I want to get some work done on...the chem paper, I think...before this party that I may or may not go to tonight. It depends. We'll see.
It's good to be happy again.
xo
Rachel
|
|
| 'well i'm always landing on my feet...' |
[18 Mar 2008|10:58pm] |
LJ Content Strike on March 21st, 2008, from midnight GMT to midnight GMT. Read about it here. I'll be participating - will you? As for the real entry:
It's good to see that I've grown. To look back and realize how silly I was weeks, months, years ago. This journal has been charting my progress through life since January 2004 - over four years now. I honestly hope it never stops charting my progress; I want to be able to look back. I was paging through my memories and finding old things I wrote, remembering pieces that I'd forgotten, remembering emotions I don't have anymore. A whole life I used to live, full of bandfic and weird pairings, things I don't even like anymore, things I now turn away from. Maybe growing up is growing old, after all.
That's not to say I can't function in fandom, and that I don't have a folder full of discarded ideas and half-written stories on my new laptop...but I don't feel the same about the things I used to love. I know that my fiction is fiction...but I enjoy it just the same. I live in the real world, now.
I've been through some tough times recently, falling in and out of love, being hurt, crying, going home and coming back to school again, remembering old friends and old music, finding out what really matters to me; late-night phone calls never made me happier. But I'm older, wiser, and more mature. My writing style has changed. My lifestyle has changed. I'm not who I used to be, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.
That being said, I'm writing again - long stories based on albums, on people and pairings and characters, really the songs and the words that matter the most. I'm busy, but I've found time to do it, anyway. I like that, that I can read, write, sleep, and live like this, and most of the time, I'm okay about it. I have moments where I panic, wonder "what am I doing here?" but not often. Just sometimes.
I miss home and I've only been here for two and a half days. I work too hard, I think. I want to say that I just need a break - but I just had one. My major is a year-round lifestyle - my longest break will forever be winter break. What am I doing, really?
|
|
| 'i used to be my own protection but not now...' |
[10 Feb 2008|08:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
across the universe (movie) |
] |
Everything went to shit. My high hopes, my entire night, last night, ruined by that boy I believed could be mine. I put myself out there, opened my heart for ther first time in a while to someone I wasn't sure about, and got pushed back for my trials. I'd like to say, whatever, his loss, but I really liked him, and it hurt. It made me find myself trying to trade sorrow for substance, and becoming really sick for my pains.
Why are men such jerks? I wanted to grow to love this one: charming, funny, cute, nice, and I felt he was everything I wanted/needed/could love, but no, he rejected me, for my youth or his fear or I don't even know.
Valentine's Day is on Thursday, and if this little rejection was enough to bring me back to depression (I had my first thought about cutting in a long time today. It scared me a little.), I feel like the day of love may drive me to suicide. I just wanted something to hold on to. Why couldn't he just be that for me, just for a little while? I'd have lost interest in the end. It hurts, so much, so bad.
I couldn't have fallen in love overnight, could I? I think I may have. I think this might have been the closest thing to love I've felt...since before I came here. Because it isn't love unless it hurts, and I haven't been hurt like this yet. It must be.
A heartless wind keeps blowing outside my window, taking my happiness with its bitter edge.
xo (except not really)
Rachel
|
|
| 'i'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath...' |
[09 Feb 2008|03:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 unsure |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
recylcled air - the postal service |
] |
I never used to care about my random hookups. They were just boys, girls, people to share passing intimacy with until the morning. I never used to care. I would occasionally want more, but I didn't care, not like this. Not about someone I'd just met.
I like this one. A lot. Hesitantly I believe he's too old for me...four years is quite a distance. But he was cute, and sweet, and I felt good about myself. Of course, there was the moment he called me beautiful, and you know how I melt for that, and he carried a British accent all night, and I had a great time. He was caring enough to send me home with my distraught roommate instead of letting me go home with him, which upon reflection was the best way it could have gone. I like him, and I don't like that. But my roommate who met him before says we're similar: chill, down-to-earth, real. And he knows theatre. How could I fall, when I still have so much opportunity? Because he was kind, and understood my plight. I didn't tell him of all my issues about sexuality, but the biggest and most important - and he was okay with that.
What am I going to do with myself tonight? Another party, more drinks...is it bad etiquette to hook up with someone else the night after? And...do I want to, or do I want to hold on to the idea that he might like me a little too?
I like idealistic dreams. They make me believe life is less complicated, and better, than it really is.
The best part of believe is the lie?
xo
Rachel
[Edit: Why do I feel like he could be the one I spoke of, of April nights, grass, and stars? I just met him last night. Maybe it's fate?]
|
|
| 'feeling as good as lovers can, you know...' |
[07 Feb 2008|10:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nine in the afternoon - panic at the disco |
] |
I want to lay in the grass on a semi-warm April night and watch the moon and the stars. And I want to be drunk, and I want to be philosophical, and I want someone to call my boy to be by my side.
At the very beginning of the year I hooked up with a boy who was still in love with his girl back home, but before we screwed everything up, we laid in the grass and talked. I want that back again. I can think of a few people who I'd love to repeat that with. I can still remember, laying on the grass in the center of the Terraces, or down by the chapel, and its words and kisses and pure sweetness.
Valentine's Day is in a week, and I still have no one to share it with. Maybe at one of these two parties this weekend? I hope.
I know I swore not to care this semester, but the dreams won't stop, and they're not just about him, they're everyone, anyone, attached, single, the ones I feel closest to. I'm tired of being lonely. I want life, love, happiness. I mean, yes, I'm happy, but I want to be truly happy - happy and loved. I want fun. I'm happy but I'm not really enjoying myself. I'm healthy and not tired but there's something missing.
Back to the street where we began.
xo
Rachel
|
|
| 'out on your corner in the pouring rain...' |
[06 Feb 2008|10:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lotr:rotk extended edition cast commentary |
] |
I've decided: though the all-encompassing fire that burned through my thoughts has dimmed significantly, I'm not going to give him up. I enjoy the thoughts too much, even if I'm not sure I want to really be with him anymore. We're friends, as much as anybody can be his friend. We even talked for more than a minute, the other night at a party. I was going to ask him to take me home, but he left while I was taking care of a sick friend. I can't help but wonder.
I've become more integrated with my major recently - at least the freshmen...and maybe it's only because I've let myself feel more comfortable around them. Life's been good: I get shit done with plenty of time to party. I worry that when production starts, I might have a lot more difficulty fitting everything in and still sleeping, eating, and being happy. Even Chem isn't so bad.
The only bad thing is that I'm gaining weight again, and rapidly. I just have to realize: I can't eat anything, not even cereal or popcorn, after 9PM, and all the salads for lunch for days won't save me from huge dinners with multiple desserts. I just need to cut back, exercise every day or twice a day, maybe get to the gym. I might give up dessert, too, just because it needs to stop. I tore my favorite jeans, so now I need to buy new ones, and I'd rather appreciate it if they were 2's, not 6's.
Writer's strike also needs to end. Last night's House was so full of slashy win, it wasn't even funny. I'm so in love with them bringing CTB back...and House/Wilson has been validated.
Anyway. I'm gonna study for chem and get some sleep.
xo
Rachel
|
|
| 'in the night we'll wish this never ends...' |
[18 Jan 2008|03:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
back to california - sugarcult |
] |
if home is where the heart is...then what happens when you're me, a girl whose heart has been known to be as changing as the wind? what happens when you realize that you attach quickly, but lose that feeling just as quick? absence never made my heart grow fonder - it always made me lose interest.
i read a fanfic once, about kids training for an army. they gave those kids a month to go home on break, and not just for a break - it was a test. returning to a life of hard work, away from home and life and friends - that was the most difficult test they had to pass in the beginning of their training.
i feel that, if this had been my test, i may not have passed.
i had an amazing time over break. slept late and stayed up even later, watched tv, ate ice cream, saw movies, played more games of apples to apples than i can really remember, had pillow fights (my thumb still doesn't work right), went clubbing, almost got in car accidents, and saw more of my friends this month than i did, outside of the school setting, my entire senior year. and i got to eat waffles whenever i wanted them, and hopefully, i'll have pancakes before i go back.
i guess there's a point to all this. i remember the homesickness, but i wasn't really all that in love with Voorhees when i left it. now, i'll miss my friends, who really brought me some happiness this month. i'll really miss my family. but it's the little things i'll miss the most.
i'll miss the golden sunlight streaming through my window around 4PM every afternoon. i'll miss rain, and snow that comes in small amounts. i'll miss, not my xbox itself, but the ability to have it. i'll miss being able to keep my computer and my phone at my side at night, thanks to outlets under my bed. i'll miss my sister's books, my brother's games, their DVDs. the soft amber light from the lamp i leave on at night. the deep purple of my walls, the windows without curtains, the musical posters. fresh fruit, chocolate covered pretzels, whole milk, waffles, stuffed animals, skirts.
(i won't miss those five pounds i lost, though - hopefully i don't get them back too quickly. hopefully i lose even more.)
i just...as much as i miss ithaca, i feel like, at least for a while, i'll miss home even more. i wish i was less fickle. it's always been something i wanted to be different. if i could just love ithaca, and keep loving ithaca, without home getting in the way...life would be easier, i think.
|
|
| 'i can't believe the year went by so fast...' |
[31 Dec 2007|02:23pm] |
Well. It has been quite a year. Anyone who has known me for long enough can see that. Does anyone remember this time last year? I do. I was lonely, sad, depressed, and comparing myself to the year before, when I'd been full of false hopes under the bright eyes of a boy who never loved me.
I think I may be in a good place this time. I've survived my first semester in college, and am more than ready to move on to the next one. Sure, I've got my fears, my worries - I always do. But I think I might actually be at peace with myself, for once. I feel okay with where I am. I know this semester is going to be even tougher than the last - I once would have never thought that possible. But I think I can make it, this time. This time, it'll be different - I know a few things now that I didn't before.
I had a trying year. I've changed, mentally and emotionally. I've become stronger, happier, and grown into myself as a person. I made friends, real friends, and developed skills I didn't know I had. I've yet to lose many of the old ones. I've even come to call Ithaca 'home', sometimes...because in some ways, it is.
I have many resolutions I've made for myself in the new year. I don't have any concept of how many will come true, how many I can keep to. There's so much I want for myself, and a year is such a long time. 2008 encompasses second semester freshman year and first semester sophomore year, assuming I make it there. If I make it there, a world of possiblity will unfold again. I look forward to this year as one of life and love, and of fewer mistakes, having made most of them already. I look forward to this as another time of change.
I'm different than I was, last year, and I have so many others that I owe that change to. People who I've lost touch with, people who I never met (in real life, that is) and people who I've spent too much time with. The ones I loved and who loved me, and the ones I turned away, or who turned from me. Joys and regrets - life is full of them, year after year.
I've grown up a lot, this year, over the years. I'm sure there's a lot more to come.
Happy new year.
xo
Rachel
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|